Struggling post-divorce, as the person who initiated it with good reason

[Anonymous]

My ex-spouse and I had a turbulent marriage involving abuse. We both talked about divorce often and my ex-spouse threatened me with it many times, but I was the one who one day realized I'd had enough and wanted out. I forged ahead with divorce and rarely looked back, which was relatively easy to do considering how high-conflict our separation and divorce was.

But as awful as things were much of the time, it wasn't always that way - there were so many happy times, too. That's what kept me in the relationship for 20 years after all. I can't stop thinking about those good times, and am having trouble coming to terms with the fact that I am the one who actually ended the marriage. I am scared that I made a mistake and that I will never have the good parts of a marriage again - a partner and a companion who I knew would always have my back, at least outwardly.

This of course does not even begin to touch upon the other repercussions - less access to my children, financial implications, social consequences and more.

It almost feels like the good is better, now - when I am happy, I am happier than I ever was. But when I am sad, I am so, so sad. The lows are so much lower. At least before, divorce was always sort of looming as a way out and an escape. Now I feel like I may have really f'ed this up with no way out.

Logically, I know that we got divorced for a reason, so I am not sure why I am struggling this badly. We separated 20 months ago and the divorce became final more recently - it's like it just really started to hit me after the divorce became final.

If anyone has any words of advice I could use them. Also, I did try out a couple of support groups and they have not been helpful. Mainly just people whose spouses left them, and it was hard to relate.

[Anonymous]

I can relate. I left 18 months ago due to emotional abuse. You are likely trauma bonded, and this is a very normal response. It does not mean things were better with him. I went to weekly therapy sessions and it has helped immensely, to see reality- not the distortion that my brain makes me feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex-spouse and I had a turbulent marriage involving abuse. We both talked about divorce often and my ex-spouse threatened me with it many times, but I was the one who one day realized I'd had enough and wanted out. I forged ahead with divorce and rarely looked back, which was relatively easy to do considering how high-conflict our separation and divorce was.

But as awful as things were much of the time, it wasn't always that way - there were so many happy times, too. That's what kept me in the relationship for 20 years after all. I can't stop thinking about those good times, and am having trouble coming to terms with the fact that I am the one who actually ended the marriage. I am scared that I made a mistake and that I will never have the good parts of a marriage again - a partner and a companion who I knew would always have my back, at least outwardly.

This of course does not even begin to touch upon the other repercussions - less access to my children, financial implications, social consequences and more.

It almost feels like the good is better, now - when I am happy, I am happier than I ever was. But when I am sad, I am so, so sad. The lows are so much lower. At least before, divorce was always sort of looming as a way out and an escape. Now I feel like I may have really f'ed this up with no way out.

Logically, I know that we got divorced for a reason, so I am not sure why I am struggling this badly. We separated 20 months ago and the divorce became final more recently - it's like it just really started to hit me after the divorce became final.

If anyone has any words of advice I could use them. Also, I did try out a couple of support groups and they have not been helpful. Mainly just people whose spouses left them, and it was hard to relate.

Congratulations on getting out! I think you could look at this as an opportunity to create a much better life without all the abuse. You deserve it and i am rooting for you!

[Anonymous]

I am sorry. I think these feelings are normal, but I can’t relate. I also left after multiple threats of divorce. I have been divorced for two years now but I was separated for two years before that. The difference probably is is that I was never really happy in the relationship, and I have no idea if you ever was either so it’s a lot easier to deal with. What makes me sad is that I accepted it for so long and I waited too long to leave and wasted too many years and it completely up and did the trajectory of my life so I am more sad about that then losing the marriage or the relationship because it really wasn’t even going to begin with. It makes me sad that I was married but I feel like I was never really married and that is kind of heartbreaking. I literally have no good memories of being engaged or married. We were fighting almost the entire engagement and everyone said it was just the stress of the wedding—well it wasn’t. What was really happening is that I was beginning to see some red flag behaviors that later fully turned up as constant manipulation and emotional abuse that didn’t really start until after the wedding.

They do say that people tend to block out the bad memories and heightened good memories of the past but that doesn’t mean it was a mistake to divorce. You said that you’re generally happier now and I think it’s pretty common that you would remember the good times now like your brain playing tricks on you but it doesn’t mean that you made a mistake at all.

[Anonymous]

You are allowed to mourn the marriage and the life yoh thought you were going to have.

[Anonymous]

You wouldn’t have left unless you absolutely had to; I imagine you would’ve stayed if you could have (and you did for 20 years). It’s very normal to romanticize the past or remember/focus on primarily the good times after a breakup. And your marriage was a known, familiar entity and the future is unknown, which is scary. Divorce is a loss that you will need to grieve - even when the marriage was unhappy and abusive.

Let yourself have these feelings, from happiness to sadness, and know that it’s all normal and okay. You are not on the other side yet. Give it time and perhaps seek out some therapy to help you along, and gently tease out the distorted thinking from reality. The abuse you endured was hard, even if you had grown accustomed to it to some extent. I imagine if you shared some of your stories we would collectively breathe a sigh of relief that you are OUT.

[Anonymous]

As a victim of abuse OP, you absolutely did the best thing that you could do for yourself.

Please…..NEVER question this.
No one deserves to suffer from abuse at all.
No one.

Even though you were the one to initiate the divorce, it is entirely normal as well as common to feel sad afterward.
It is even normal to focus on the good times wearing your rose-colored glasses.

You have suffered a tremendous loss & you are in the grieving process.
Your emotions are likely all over the map.
Getting over someone is never a progressive process.
There will be setbacks many of times over.

If you can understand + accept this > then it will be much more bearable to get through this very difficult process.

Keep in mind: There IS light at the end of the tunnel.
Just focus on keeping your eyes on the prize.
The best is yet to come!

Hugs 🤗

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a victim of abuse OP, you absolutely did the best thing that you could do for yourself.

Please…..NEVER question this.
No one deserves to suffer from abuse at all.
No one.

Even though you were the one to initiate the divorce, it is entirely normal as well as common to feel sad afterward.
It is even normal to focus on the good times wearing your rose-colored glasses.

You have suffered a tremendous loss & you are in the grieving process.
Your emotions are likely all over the map.
Getting over someone is never a progressive process.
There will be setbacks many of times over.

If you can understand + accept this > then it will be much more bearable to get through this very difficult process.

Keep in mind: There IS light at the end of the tunnel.
Just focus on keeping your eyes on the prize.
The best is yet to come!

Hugs 🤗

this^ a million times over. keep strong OP, there is a better life for you ahead.

[Anonymous]

I also left an abusive (physically, mentally, verbally, financially) marriage and had to violate my own deepest values to do it. I don’t believe in divorce with children. But here I am. I often think back on what could have gone differently. But then my ex gives me a reason to remember why what I wanted and wished for was not what occurred and never would have been no matter what I did. I hate being divorced. I loved being married. I may never marry again. But I will also not be abused again.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. Trauma bonds are strong. But know that you deserve for someone to have your back who also isn’t going to stab it sometimes. And you already know that person…it is YOU. You are the hero of horn story. You rescued yourself and have put yourself on a path to peace and happiness. Yes, you had happy times with your ex, but you could never and would never be able to count on them. You can count on yourself now.

[Anonymous]

Take some time to mourn the marriage you didn't get because of the abuse. Take some time to remember and be grateful for what is out of your life now: abuse, kids not witnessing an abusive marriage, tension, walking on eggshells, etc. Then spend some time thinking about what's good about being divorced: calm, no unexpected outbreaks, etc.

Finally, every day remind yourself that you are a strong and intelligent person, you walked away from abuse, you can take care of yourself, you can live in peace. And if you're missing the good parts of marriage, remember that you can find them elsewhere.

Best wishes to you, OP. The right decision isn't always the easiest decision and emotions need time to process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can relate. I left 18 months ago due to emotional abuse. You are likely trauma bonded, and this is a very normal response. It does not mean things were better with him. I went to weekly therapy sessions and it has helped immensely, to see reality- not the distortion that my brain makes me feel.

+1

[Anonymous]

How do you know if you are trauma bonded? Does this only occur in abusive relationships that are angry/violent or can it also occur with someone who is loving and caring but manipulative?

[Anonymous]

What was the reason?

Unfortunately life doesn’t really care if you had a good reason or not. You’re still divorced and starting over. The only real decision is whether or not you can stay married to them. There are no guarantees about what happens if the answer is no.

[Anonymous]

OP, our minds tend to remember some past experiences with a nostalgic lens but in truth your perception was not likely reality. Mourning the past is important but it’s more important to reflect and then let go of that past. Sometimes, we don’t even realize the extent of the trauma we experienced with an ex and the negative effect it had on ourselves and on our relationships with others. The saying “hurt people hurt people” is so true and a hard pill to swallow. But the work we put into ourselves following any kind of trauma, as difficult as it may be, is worth it and there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Best of luck.