Debate with Spouse re Weight

[Anonymous]

My spouse and I were having a mild disagreement, and I wanted to see if people thought one or both of us were off base:

Suppose, in a household, there is time enough for one spouse, but not both, to exercise. The husband in this scenario is decidedly overweight and, prior to some recent weight loss, was nearing obesity. The wife is not overweight by BMI but weighs more than she would like and weighs more than in the past.

The husband thinks he should get priority because his situation is basically a medical concern; the wife’s position is that she should get priority because our society can be very harsh toward woman based on their appearance and that a husband naturally can’t appreciate how “fat women” are treated.

Who seem more right?

[Anonymous]

They should alternate days.

[Anonymous]

I agree -- alternate days

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They should alternate days.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Wife’s logic is odd. Health trumps social concern. But explain why both can’t exercise every day. If it’s a question of access to home equipment, then on alternate days they should walk or jog outside.

[Anonymous]

Each adult who wishes to exercise is responsible for finding time in his or her schedule to do so. Wake up an hour earlier if you need to. This is not a group issue. Grow up

[Anonymous]

Dh wins this one. She should make any accomidations for him to start shedding fat asap due to covid-19 concerns. Otherwise, I'd agree with alternating.

[Anonymous]

OP. Should have added: obviously alternating days is fairest. But idiosyncratic professional and caretaking obligations make that impracticable by all accounts, so this question is about how to break a tie, so to speak.

[Anonymous]

While I believe exercise is important, the dh can also watch what he eats and make far more progress.
They alternate.

[Anonymous]

Is this, like, an issue related to the type of workouts? I get it if it's a 15 minute drive each way to a gym for specialized strength training or classes. You should take turns doing that.

But if it's just movement, surely you can both find time to walk or do a fitness video on YouTube for half an hour daily. Even while you're on a conference call, or by waiting up early or going to bed later? Even if you live in a small apartment or not near trails (usually there is a way to find somewhere to walk...or drive a short distance to do so).

Can you be creative about this to compromise so that you can each do *something* active each day or every other day?

[Anonymous]

This is strange. Is there only one way to exercise or lose weight? But agree with PP’s - alternate. Husband’s concerns are obviously more serious.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with the framing of the issue. Weight is almost always related to mental health. There is a strong mind-body connection but we like to ignore the for some reason.

Exercise is important (I do it every day) but dealing with mental health issues, even minor mental health issues, is far more important. You can do some CBT exercises basically any time of the day to deal with self-esteem issues, and since exercise is fundamental in maintaining mental health, it’s not more important for one to work out than the other, no matter how fit they are to begin with.

[Anonymous]

This is stupid. Find it hard to believe the two of you can’t find 30 minutes more in the day to exercise.

Get up 15 minutes earlier, go to bed 15 min later is a simple solution. Odds are you will sleep better. DH was overweight, I didn’t care he did. We both have hectic schedules. So he gets up at 430 everyday and does 15 min stretching, 15 min of cardio and a 30 min circuit. Then twice a week he does a 30 min yoga routine right before he eats lunch.

[Anonymous]

I think if you’ve reached this point in your family, the odds of either of getting healthier are slim. I think what you do is:

- start being much more active as a family on weekends
- overhaul eating and figure out a healthier approach to food that accommodates everyone’s weight loss goals
- find time in schedule for both spouses to exercise 3-4x a week. More if people are willing to do things like wake up 30 minutes early for a short workout, or move to a walking/biking commute, etc.

The only situation in which I could imagine partners fighting over this is a family with 5 kids and no childcare, or a kid with severe special needs and no childcare, or an elderly relative moves in with serious care requirements (like 24/7). Integrating exercise into your day is really not that difficult— the main problem tends to be motivation, not time. People overthink it.

[Anonymous]

That time on exercise is way better spent on meal planning and prepping for healthy meals. You can't outrun the kitchen table.

H and I focused on building healthy habits, rather than keeping our unhealthy habits and trying to undo it with a workout twice a week. So healthy meals, family walks, trips to the park, bodyweight exercise at home. Sure, we'd both love to go to the gym 3 times a week, but it's just not possible for us with young kids and a professional life. SO a healthy lifestyle is the way to go.

- Each responsible for 3 healthy dinners during the week. We both research, write shopping lists, and cook our 3 meals. Alternate grocery shopping trips or go together. Make double the recipe for lunches. Breakfast - we keep on hand lots of fruit, healthy cereal, oatmeal, nuts/seeds, nut butters, I'll often make oat muffins with veggies & fruit in them for the week.

- Exercise together with walking/hiking. Bonus is time spent together. We do a walk after work and on the weekends, it's a great way to reconnect. Kids come, too.

- Youtube exercise videos. Kids join in and have a blast. We even do a bunch of kid exercise/yoga videos.

- Just keep moving. When you take your kids to the park, don't sit on the bench on your phone. Get up, move around, play with the kids.