Getting over Covid Fights

[Anonymous]

Last year, I had very bad covid anxiety. Post-vaccine, it has gotten much better and I'm pretty much back to normal except for wearing a mask when required by a business.

However, I think I resent my significant other for some things he did last year that I deemed unsafe, both at the time and still in hindsight. For example, frequent work happy hours. His boss would frequently host these indoor happy hours at restaurants (because that's what he was comfortable with) and invite the C-suite level leadership - so my SO felt obligated to go make an appearance. I specifically remember during an argument once, when I told him I was uncomfortable with this, he basically said he wasn't thrilled about it but that he needed to for work. Anyway, we have been living together for a couple of years at this point, and now that covid is over, I kind of just want to move on but I also kind of think he's not the one if he couldn't see it from my perspective and just stay home, and maybe I should move out? But I'm 30, so that factors in as well.

[Anonymous]

What does being 30 have to do with it? If he doesn't respect you, bye!

[Anonymous]

My dad would call this "looking for a problem." Focus on the present and the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad would call this "looking for a problem." Focus on the present and the future.

OP Actually this is what my own parents said when I mentioned the issue to them but I really think it's indicative of how he would treat me during a marriage. My discomfort was minimized pretty much every minute of covid, so that makes me fearful of the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does being 30 have to do with it? If he doesn't respect you, bye!

SHe wants kids and think he may her last shot.

OP, I think you wrong on this. If he had said staying in the house with extreme precautions made him uncomfortable, would you have started going out more to make him happy? No, right? You'd base your activities on your own risk assessment? That's what he did.

[Anonymous]

You yourself say your anxiety was over the top. Get therapy for yourself and address why you felt that anxious, instead of blaming him.

People shouldn’t have to behave unreasonably to accomodate your mental health issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does being 30 have to do with it? If he doesn't respect you, bye!

SHe wants kids and think he may her last shot.

OP, I think you wrong on this. If he had said staying in the house with extreme precautions made him uncomfortable, would you have started going out more to make him happy? No, right? You'd base your activities on your own risk assessment? That's what he did.

OP I did have to go out more! I did wind up having to see his extended family every week (because he claimed they were cautious - his grandparents are insane rightwingers and were in fact, not cautious!) and he didn't protect me enough! He'd claim that his family had been so, so cautious that week and then I'd see them on the weekend and his father would announce they'd gone to an indoor wedding, and my bf was pretty much like, "What do you want from me?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You yourself say your anxiety was over the top. Get therapy for yourself and address why you felt that anxious, instead of blaming him.

People shouldn’t have to behave unreasonably to accomodate your mental health issue.

Not OP and I'm not sure how extreme her anxiety was, but I don't think staying indoors during covid - when we were asked repeatedly by public health officials to not socialize as heavily as we had pre-pandemic - is over the top.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does being 30 have to do with it? If he doesn't respect you, bye!

SHe wants kids and think he may her last shot.

OP, I think you wrong on this. If he had said staying in the house with extreme precautions made him uncomfortable, would you have started going out more to make him happy? No, right? You'd base your activities on your own risk assessment? That's what he did.

It's different if they live together.

And, 30 is not your last shot to have kids, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does being 30 have to do with it? If he doesn't respect you, bye!

SHe wants kids and think he may her last shot.

OP, I think you wrong on this. If he had said staying in the house with extreme precautions made him uncomfortable, would you have started going out more to make him happy? No, right? You'd base your activities on your own risk assessment? That's what he did.

OP I did have to go out more! I did wind up having to see his extended family every week (because he claimed they were cautious - his grandparents are insane rightwingers and were in fact, not cautious!) and he didn't protect me enough! He'd claim that his family had been so, so cautious that week and then I'd see them on the weekend and his father would announce they'd gone to an indoor wedding, and my bf was pretty much like, "What do you want from me?"

Why did you go? Why did you keep going every week?
I'm seeing several red flags, from both your behaviors'. You giving in and feeling resentful + him never acceding to your requests --> nobody very happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does being 30 have to do with it? If he doesn't respect you, bye!

SHe wants kids and think he may her last shot.

OP, I think you wrong on this. If he had said staying in the house with extreme precautions made him uncomfortable, would you have started going out more to make him happy? No, right? You'd base your activities on your own risk assessment? That's what he did.

OP I did have to go out more! I did wind up having to see his extended family every week (because he claimed they were cautious - his grandparents are insane rightwingers and were in fact, not cautious!) and he didn't protect me enough! He'd claim that his family had been so, so cautious that week and then I'd see them on the weekend and his father would announce they'd gone to an indoor wedding, and my bf was pretty much like, "What do you want from me?"

Why did you go? Why did you keep going every week?
I'm seeing several red flags, from both your behaviors'. You giving in and feeling resentful + him never acceding to your requests --> nobody very happy.

OP he pretty much told me that if I didn't see his family every week, it would indicate we don't have similar values. His family is very important to him. Because of this, they needed to be important to me.

[Anonymous]

So your BF was in a difficult position, and you had a lot of anxiety.

But now that the aired has cleared, you don't feel respected. That is important. I can't speak to exactly what happened over the last 18+ months between you 2, but not feeling respected or heard or understood is ABSOLUTLY a deal breaker.

This is a crack in the foundation of your marriage. It's already there. Do you want to add more weight onto it? Marriage, kids, financial planning?

You are 30. You do not need to settle. I don't know ANYONE who got married quickly because "they didn't have time" who is happy with that choice in their 40s.

[Anonymous]

And yet everything worked out. Maybe you were too uptight in hindsight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does being 30 have to do with it? If he doesn't respect you, bye!

SHe wants kids and think he may her last shot.

OP, I think you wrong on this. If he had said staying in the house with extreme precautions made him uncomfortable, would you have started going out more to make him happy? No, right? You'd base your activities on your own risk assessment? That's what he did.

OP I did have to go out more! I did wind up having to see his extended family every week (because he claimed they were cautious - his grandparents are insane rightwingers and were in fact, not cautious!) and he didn't protect me enough! He'd claim that his family had been so, so cautious that week and then I'd see them on the weekend and his father would announce they'd gone to an indoor wedding, and my bf was pretty much like, "What do you want from me?"

Girl. DTMFA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And yet everything worked out. Maybe you were too uptight in hindsight?

And when his parents **insert any boundary crossing in laws from "family relationships** he'll tell you that you knew what they were like before. It doesn't have to be like this.

You should feel heard and respected by your partner. If he can't do that, find someone who can. Don't lower you standards.