How long would you want to be in a relationship before having children?

[Anonymous]

This discussion came up with my boyfriend of 6 months last night. We've discussed in the past that we both would only want one child, but last night the topic of timelines came up and he shared that he thinks he should be with someone for 4 years before having a kid. I'm not trying to get knocked up next week, but this honestly was surprisingly long to me. We're both 34 years old, so to start trying to have a child at the age of 38 seems unrealistic to me.

I woke up feeling a little panicked about it. I can't force someone to change their minds about such a big decision. This isn't something you just compromise on. I don't know why I'm posting. Maybe I want people to tell me I'm unreasonable and 4 years is the minimum so I should stick it out. Or maybe I want people to tell me to cut my losses and try to find another relationship.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t intentionally wait for 4 years at your age. He needs educated on aging eggs and the difficulties for some people to become pregnant.

[Anonymous]

I don't think time matters as much as being married. I think most people get married after 2-3 years together. And then even if you get instantly pregnant, you're likely still having a baby at 38.

[Anonymous]

How about confirming your relationship will last first? Six months of dating is nothing. It's a blimp. Be together for at least two years and being living together so you know how each of you are like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This discussion came up with my boyfriend of 6 months last night. We've discussed in the past that we both would only want one child, but last night the topic of timelines came up and he shared that he thinks he should be with someone for 4 years before having a kid. I'm not trying to get knocked up next week, but this honestly was surprisingly long to me. We're both 34 years old, so to start trying to have a child at the age of 38 seems unrealistic to me.

I woke up feeling a little panicked about it. I can't force someone to change their minds about such a big decision. This isn't something you just compromise on. I don't know why I'm posting. Maybe I want people to tell me I'm unreasonable and 4 years is the minimum so I should stick it out. Or maybe I want people to tell me to cut my losses and try to find another relationship.

Dump him, he's hiding feelings of inadequecy and 4 will turn to 8 to turn to 16 to forget it. Sperm doesn't last forever.

[Anonymous]

You’ve only been together for six months, so by the time you would get engaged (6 months from now at the earliest, I’m guessing?), married (year engagement, possibly?), pregnant (can take some time, plus 9 months), give birth it will be close to four years anyway.

[Anonymous]

If you're serious about having a child, you shouldn't wait 4 years. At 35 you're classified as having a "geriatric pregnancy". You might easily get pregnant at 38 or you might not, it's impossible to know until you try.

I don't think you need to break up with this guy immediately because he pulled out 4 years as a number. He probably has no idea about fertility declines could always change his mind on that. However, if you REALLY want to get married and have a baby, I think you should have a good idea whether or not this relationship is going to work long term at the 1 year mark. You probably have a gut feeling about it right now if you're honest with yourself.

[Anonymous]

How's your financial situation? I had a friend who got married at 39. They knew they wanted just 1 child. Tried for a few months, but then immediately moved to IVF. It worked and they have their one kid. Mainly they were able to easily throw the $25k at the issue and move on. That helps.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Just some comments to some of the responses... He seems to understand the fertility decline. We've discussed it before, and also again last night. But I get the feeling he thinks age 40 is the number.

As one poster said, my fear is that 4 years becomes 5 becomes 6.... and then I'm 40 and out of options.

I don't really care about getting married, but yes I do want to be with someone long enough before having a child to have a solid foundation. I know that takes time, but I think maybe 2 years still seems reasonable?

I feel sick to my stomach about this. It feels like there's no solution now. It doesn't seem smart to bank on him adjusting his time period by learning about fertility or us just progressing further into a relationship.

I wish I didn't want children.

[Anonymous]

Show him the graph of how fertility declines. Ask him if that might change his mind.

[Anonymous]

I think it's a little weird to have a minimum amount of time before having kids with someone but 4 years doesn't seem unreasonable.

My guess is that if you guys end up married in 2 years, he will probably change his mind and want to start sooner. He just doesn't want kids this minute.

[Anonymous]

I mean, he pulled an arbitrary number out of a hat that felt like a reasonable amount of time. Also, men are historically crap at this kind of math. I bet he’s felt that way since he was 29 and has simply failed to update it despite aging 5 years and continuing to date women his same age.

I’d ignore his arbitrary number and instead talk about what you’d both like to do before kids. Like a lot of people want to travel a bit more before having kids because kids change travel (you can definitely travel with kids but it’s way different). Great! If you’re both on board for that, plan some trips and live it up. Getting those experiences in will naturally shorten his timeline because he will have less of that sense of “but I haven’t done X yet.” Snd if he does still feel that way, maybe he just doesn’t really want kids. He has to get real.

Another big one for people is wanting to not only buy a home but a certain sized home before having a kid. I personally think this is a fools errand because in many ways it’s smarter to have a kid when you are mentally ready, and then figure out housing when the kid is 1 or 2 and you have a better sense of how your family lives, what you value, and school priorities. We had a baby in a condo assuming we’d move, then discovered one child in a city apartment is pretty great for all involved and stayed. Very glad we didn’t try to guess at what we needed first only to wind up unhappy in the suburbs or in some 3000 sq ft townhouse we don’t actually like just because of preconceived notions about what kind of home you need for a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, he pulled an arbitrary number out of a hat that felt like a reasonable amount of time. Also, men are historically crap at this kind of math. I bet he’s felt that way since he was 29 and has simply failed to update it despite aging 5 years and continuing to date women his same age.

I’d ignore his arbitrary number and instead talk about what you’d both like to do before kids. Like a lot of people want to travel a bit more before having kids because kids change travel (you can definitely travel with kids but it’s way different). Great! If you’re both on board for that, plan some trips and live it up. Getting those experiences in will naturally shorten his timeline because he will have less of that sense of “but I haven’t done X yet.” Snd if he does still feel that way, maybe he just doesn’t really want kids. He has to get real.

Another big one for people is wanting to not only buy a home but a certain sized home before having a kid. I personally think this is a fools errand because in many ways it’s smarter to have a kid when you are mentally ready, and then figure out housing when the kid is 1 or 2 and you have a better sense of how your family lives, what you value, and school priorities. We had a baby in a condo assuming we’d move, then discovered one child in a city apartment is pretty great for all involved and stayed. Very glad we didn’t try to guess at what we needed first only to wind up unhappy in the suburbs or in some 3000 sq ft townhouse we don’t actually like just because of preconceived notions about what kind of home you need for a kid.

I wish I believed this, but he even said something along the lines of "I think you need like 4 years to really know someone."

[Anonymous]

When I met my now husband I was 29 and told him I wanted to start trying at 33. He wanted 35, I told him that was a dealbreaker and unreasonable because fertility declines, it’s harder on a woman’s body at that age and we wanted 2-3 kids. He relented but we started trying before we got married, that happened a year later. As luck would have it, it took us 2 years and IVF to get pregnant. Both of us are healthy, fit, fertile families with no known fertility issues and our tests confirmed we were above average in every category (high but not too high ovarian reserve, sperm count, etc). So at a minimum get a complete fertility check-up (AMH, FSH, TSH, HSG, etc.). I’ve known women who find out at 30 they have low ovarian reserve and have to move to IVF right away with low odds of success. He should also get his sperm tested. Personally, if I wanted kids, I’d freeze my eggs at your current age as an insurance policy. My friend who is 34 and single just did this - it’s expensive but there are more affordable options (CNY Fertility) or insurance might cover it. Hate to scare you but it’s a reality I’ve been living that I wish I had thought of before, pregnancy after 35 is much tougher for people, and 40 is so unrealistic for most women. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I would never intentionally have a child without being married.

I think you need at least a year until you're engaged. I think it's best to have a year engagement before you get married. Then I would be comfortable starting to try right away, so I guess two years is my answer.

I would say that if that was going to put me at over 37 years old, and kids were very important to me, I might consider a quick wedding, so only being engaged for a couple months.

And before you say "well, you can be committed for life without getting married!" take a look at some stats on this. People who are married are way more likely to still be together 10 years down the road than people who are not married but say they are committed for life. There's some reason you don't want to get married (or that he doesn't). Figure that out before you have kids.