How long would you want to be in a relationship before having children?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you need to break up, but I do think with many men you need to set hard boundaries around timelines. Many come around once they see you’re serious and will leave.

I’d figure out the timeline you’d like (when do you want to be engaged, married, have your child, etc) and let him know if he can’t meet that, you need to find someone who will. Not in a threatening way, but just a “I’m not getting any younger and this is what I need to be happy”.

How’s the relationship otherwise? If you’re having problems besides this, then bailing may be the right answer.

[Anonymous]

The relationship is so good otherwise, which is why I’m so torn about this. I just hate the idea of issuing ultimatums with timelines, especially when he might agree now and then change it up down the road. - OP

[Anonymous]

Can you freeze your eggs? That’ll buy you some time.

[Anonymous]

Yep I would freeze your eggs. Don't take a chance with not having kids if he gets flaky.

[Anonymous]

I guess I need to reconsider freezing my eggs. I had decided against it up until the point for several reasons, mostly that I don't necessarily want to be a single mother and had accepted that if I didn't meet someone, I just would be child-free. Plus the physical impact, cost, viability of eggs vs embryos, etc. But I guess this is a new factor to consider that I might have to freeze them to have a child with a partner at some point, if I'm going to have to wait longer than perhaps what I would prefer.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't wait that long if you are in your mid- to late 30s. The stress of having a special needs kid (more likely past 40) would be much worse than the stress of having a baby a little earlier than you prefer. Just saying. There are risks.

[Anonymous]

I would plan to have children within two years frankly. Give it another 6 months and if it's not going anywhere you'll need to find someone else.

OP don't let any man take away your right to have kids. I know many divorced couples, so honestly if you are single there's nothing wrong with doing it on your own. Many women end up regretting who they married, but never their kids.

[Anonymous]

I think 2 years at your age would be fine. I'm guessing you're both mature adults since you're in your 30s. I would definitely tell a couple in their 20s to wait a few years.

The thing I would say is, you should REALLY live together for 2 years. Not like, sharing an apartment while you both work 60+ hrs. Cook meals together, have boring evenings on the couch, do chores together on the weekends. Iron out all those domestic issues/fights first before you have a child.

[Anonymous]

I would say 3 years is the minimum - make sure the "crazy in love" hormones are out of your system and the relationship is a keeper even without the chemical high. Then I'd say go for it. If his timeline is 4, compromising at 3, or even 2.5 doesn't sound like such a steep hill to climb.

[Anonymous]

Freeze your eggs right now.

[Anonymous]

We were dating for a year, engaged for 10 months, and married 2.5 years before our first was born. So a little over 4 years. May have sped that time line up a bit if I were even older. I was 35 when we had our first, but we also have a second at 37. We were enjoying just being married but definitely felt the click ticking.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the advice. I know I keep posting but I feel like this comment has triggered something in me and unlocked a real fear I've been suppressing or something. I enjoy our relationship so much but now I'm just panicking that these kinds of logistical things mean it's doomed. I just want to throw myself a pity party because it's so hard to find someone you connect with and are compatible with, but I can't enjoy it because I have to worry about my f*ing fertility.

Ok rant over.

-op

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t freeze eggs just because THIS dude has a 4 year timeline. If you would do it otherwise, fine, but that’s a pretty invasive procedure to get just because some dude doesn’t have a clear idea of fertility and what he wants.

Dating is all about having these conversations and finding out if you’re compatible. It’s not an ultimatum, it’s looking to see what’s a deal breaker for you both, what can be compromised on, and making the best choice for you.

[Anonymous]

See if, given his timeline and alleged understanding of declining fertility, he would financially contribute toward freezing your eggs.

(Not to mention, just saying "freeze your eggs!" doesn't account for what a tough process that is on its own -- taking hormones to bulk up your ovaries and produce quality eggs, the actual retrieval process, the financial and emotional maintenance of having to store them for XX years, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Give it a rest for now but if the relationship is still good in another 6 months I would see how he feels about marriage. And tell him in no uncertain terms that you would need to start a family in two years because of your age.