To those that believe the elderly should always make their own decisions

[Anonymous]

Let me tell you what happens when the elderly are 'allowed' to age in place when they are no longer capable:

1) They destroy their finances
2) They force their children to pay for what they destroyed, and thus destroy their children's finances
3) Oftentimes they are not dealing with full mental capabilities, so they do not understand you are trying to keep them from burning down everything around them (sometimes literally). Trying to get a doctor to label it as such is damn near impossible
4) Health crisis will occur and do occur. This requires the children to stop what they are doing and come to the rescue
5) They will refuse help, causing the children to work overtime, causing their own health crisis.

Don't believe me? After five years of trying to get my parents to understand they had to make a change, they are out of money, over 50K in debt, and can't physically care for themselves well. I tried to stop this train but nope. So here I am cross country, missing my kids during the holidays, sleeping in a reclining chair in my aunt's home nearby (who is currently dying of cancer) because my sister with her OCD issues won't let me use the second upstairs bedroom in the upstairs of my parents' home. Hotels are expensive then you have to stay for months (yes months) and shut down your own business to handle this sh*tshow. And let's not forget three frail people and Covid. And I'm still expected to pay for everything while here. And did I mention the hot water in the shower isn't working and I had to fight to get a plumber in ON MY DIME? This could have been solved five years ago which a simple move. Free up and invest in cash from the home they are selling, live in a lovely second home I have in an area filled with family who want to help. Instead, they are broke, sick, and totally dependent on me, after years of literally screaming "I don't wanna". You think it's easy get paperwork for legal reasons, you're nuts. I love my parents, but this behavior and the results of it has taken its toll.

PS - my cousin just had a stroke trying to work full time and care for her 97 year old mother who STILL insists on living alone but can't care for herself. This. Is. Insanity.

[Anonymous]

You don’t want to hear this, but you’re also part of the problem.

When your parent has a health issue—and it is a matter of when not if—that is the opening to transfer them to a nursing home. When they need to be discharged, that’s your opening to tell the social worker that you can’t care for them and it’s not safe for them to go home. That is the only time when you can actually move them. Yes, everyone at the hospital will try to pressure you to agree to take care of them, but you have to say no.

No way in hell would I enable all the crap you’re enabling. And if your sister wants to control the bedrooms at your parents house, she can take care of your parents! Problem solved! You’re an adult, you have agency. Stop acting like you have no choices in life.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, op. It all sucks and its really hard.

[Anonymous]

Are you the old me OP? Been there done that. I too was an enabler. I learned here you must save others from them (e.g.take car keys), but if they are stubborn and nasty, you cannot do in your health and sanity saving them from themselves. If a doctor says they are mentally fit for independent living, there is little you can do, but let them self-destruct unless they are cooperative or you are a magician. Also, your children come before your elderly parents. Let adult protective services know your concerns about safety so they can check on things. Yes, your parents will be livid. Next hospitalization, as another poster said, is your chance to get a placement. Make it clear you cannot and will not be the caregiver.

[Anonymous]

Oh and I will add, I absolutely agree with you aging in place is BS unless the person is cognitively sharp the whole time. I could rant for days about the living hell it has been being the family member who lives closest and we may move, since it has been a decade of this hell already.

[Anonymous]

You can't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

[Anonymous]

Does your sister live there? How can she tell you where you can or can’t sleep? I’m truly curious.

[Anonymous]

Why couldn’t you wait until after Christmas to leave your kids? Your parents should be ashamed of themselves. Money and help should go to the youngest generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me tell you what happens when the elderly are 'allowed' to age in place when they are no longer capable:

1) They destroy their finances
2) They force their children to pay for what they destroyed, and thus destroy their children's finances
3) Oftentimes they are not dealing with full mental capabilities, so they do not understand you are trying to keep them from burning down everything around them (sometimes literally). Trying to get a doctor to label it as such is damn near impossible
4) Health crisis will occur and do occur. This requires the children to stop what they are doing and come to the rescue
5) They will refuse help, causing the children to work overtime, causing their own health crisis.

Don't believe me? After five years of trying to get my parents to understand they had to make a change, they are out of money, over 50K in debt, and can't physically care for themselves well. I tried to stop this train but nope. So here I am cross country, missing my kids during the holidays, sleeping in a reclining chair in my aunt's home nearby (who is currently dying of cancer) because my sister with her OCD issues won't let me use the second upstairs bedroom in the upstairs of my parents' home. Hotels are expensive then you have to stay for months (yes months) and shut down your own business to handle this sh*tshow. And let's not forget three frail people and Covid. And I'm still expected to pay for everything while here. And did I mention the hot water in the shower isn't working and I had to fight to get a plumber in ON MY DIME? This could have been solved five years ago which a simple move. Free up and invest in cash from the home they are selling, live in a lovely second home I have in an area filled with family who want to help. Instead, they are broke, sick, and totally dependent on me, after years of literally screaming "I don't wanna". You think it's easy get paperwork for legal reasons, you're nuts. I love my parents, but this behavior and the results of it has taken its toll.

PS - my cousin just had a stroke trying to work full time and care for her 97 year old mother who STILL insists on living alone but can't care for herself. This. Is. Insanity.

It is time for you to go home and let the chips fall where they may. You cannot continue to do this. Get social services involved and then leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me tell you what happens when the elderly are 'allowed' to age in place when they are no longer capable:

1) They destroy their finances
2) They force their children to pay for what they destroyed, and thus destroy their children's finances
3) Oftentimes they are not dealing with full mental capabilities, so they do not understand you are trying to keep them from burning down everything around them (sometimes literally). Trying to get a doctor to label it as such is damn near impossible
4) Health crisis will occur and do occur. This requires the children to stop what they are doing and come to the rescue
5) They will refuse help, causing the children to work overtime, causing their own health crisis.

Don't believe me? After five years of trying to get my parents to understand they had to make a change, they are out of money, over 50K in debt, and can't physically care for themselves well. I tried to stop this train but nope. So here I am cross country, missing my kids during the holidays, sleeping in a reclining chair in my aunt's home nearby (who is currently dying of cancer) because my sister with her OCD issues won't let me use the second upstairs bedroom in the upstairs of my parents' home. Hotels are expensive then you have to stay for months (yes months) and shut down your own business to handle this sh*tshow. And let's not forget three frail people and Covid. And I'm still expected to pay for everything while here. And did I mention the hot water in the shower isn't working and I had to fight to get a plumber in ON MY DIME? This could have been solved five years ago which a simple move. Free up and invest in cash from the home they are selling, live in a lovely second home I have in an area filled with family who want to help. Instead, they are broke, sick, and totally dependent on me, after years of literally screaming "I don't wanna". You think it's easy get paperwork for legal reasons, you're nuts. I love my parents, but this behavior and the results of it has taken its toll.

PS - my cousin just had a stroke trying to work full time and care for her 97 year old mother who STILL insists on living alone but can't care for herself. This. Is. Insanity.

It is time for you to go home and let the chips fall where they may. You cannot continue to do this. Get social services involved and then leave.

Sorry, I was little harsh there. You need to figure out what you can and are willing to do and draw the line there. This is not sustainable.

[Anonymous]

Drop the rope, Drop the rope, Drop the rope.

If you sister won't let you sleep in a bed in a bedroom in the house let your sister manage all of the affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

I love this aphorism - thank you, PP!

[Anonymous]

Yes, OP. It's especially hard when the elderly person can get by physically but has non-obvious mental gaps or mental health issues. This can become an even bigger issue when there is a lack of agreement amongst siblings about the existance or scope of the mental gap and how to react to it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you got some good advice on one of your earlier posts. Have you tried to follow some of those suggestions? Have you contacted elder/senior services for assistance?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP and everyone else who dealt with this. What a horrible final chapter with your parents.