How would you handle this? New mom friend + kid sickness

[Anonymous]

A neighbor with kids that align with mine moved next door. I have a lot going on and don’t often even host people in my home or play dates and she had asked me a few times on days that I just couldn’t because of kid extracurriculars. My fully vaccinated children have bad allergies and are often snotty/congested. My preschooler had that on day this week. So she calls me and asks if she can come over with a bottle of wine and the kids can play. I told her the little one had a cold but otherwise seemed ok. To be honest, I’m not a drop in my house unannounced person and my cleaner didn’t make it this week so already I’m feeling uncomfortable with the get together but straightened up, etc. Kids came over and we had a great time.

That evening my preschooler spiked a fever. I messaged her and let her know and said I hope your kids don’t get sick and I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was more than allergies/mild cold. Within hours it had cleared.
The next day she starts messaging me really early in the AM saying she had to keep her kid home from school. I keep apologizing and you can tell she’s upset and cold with me. It accelerates and she lets me know her kid has a climbing fever and is positive for the flu and the feeling was very much that she wants me to feel guilty. I keep saying sorry I had no idea, I thought it was just a cold etc, I will get my child tested to make sure. At this point my child is completely fine, no fever, in school. It was clear from her messages she felt that the source was my child. So I book my kids and they come back negative for covid, rsv, flu A, flu B, strep.. I asked the pediatrician to test for everything because we have a lot of holiday plans. I tell her that it may be a coincidence because my kids came back negative for everything but part of me is so annoyed at the whole interaction.

I feel like with kids and sickness, it’s best not to point fingers. All our kids are in school and activities and sickness just happens. Where would you go from here with this mom?

[Anonymous]

Too much drama. Move on. It also sounds like she’s the one looking for friends not you.

[Anonymous]

I’d go in a different direction than this neighbor mom. Pushy.

[Anonymous]

Her kids(s) didn't get sick with the flu overnight from a play date that just happened.

If your interactions with her were by text, extend her some grace. We all get annoyed initially when our kids get sick so she may have been just asking questions. You can't read tone by text. Let it blow over.

[Anonymous]

Yes, so there’s even a little more to the situation. Since moved this summer she’s been asking me to put together a girls dinner or night out. I told her I would but I said the next few months were hard for me because I had a lot going on. She asked me multiple time, like more than 5 times to do this or kept asking for updates when I would do it. She was very direct and said when are you going to plan that ladies night out we talked about? Due to other obligations, I just didn’t have a lot of time and wasn’t seeing friends often but I planned a holiday get together for a group of 10 mom friends and sent out the invite to her. She couldn’t go because her kid was sick. Of course I didn’t care or wasn’t mad but she never even said “Hey I appreciate you putting that together so I could get to know some new mom friends, sorry I can’t make it” .. Now I know, don’t do it if I feel uncomfortable but the whole situation has just left a bad taste in my mouth.

[Anonymous]

***When I say girls dinner, she wanted me to invite other people so she could get to know more people, not just me and her. We did a few things together one on one.

[Anonymous]

Ditch her.

[Anonymous]

Wow, this sounds like a bad situation and she just moved in! I would be a friendly neighbor but not a friend. Keep saying no to her requests.

I am very friendly and inclusive but it is not up to you to make friends for her. Asking you five times to arrange a girls night out is not normal!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she was trying to use you to make friends. Slow fade her.

[Anonymous]

You were upfront with her about what you saw and she still made the decision to come at her own request. You followed through when you thought it could be more and again when you ruled it out - thus her kid’s flu is not your fault since you guys don’t even have it to have passed it on anyway. She has no right to be angry with you. Let her go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were upfront with her about what you saw and she still made the decision to come at her own request. You followed through when you thought it could be more and again when you ruled it out - thus her kid’s flu is not your fault since you guys don’t even have it to have passed it on anyway. She has no right to be angry with you. Let her go.

+1 and the other story you told about her pushiness with the girls dinner thing makes me feel like you should keep your distance. The closer you get to people like this, the more toxic things become.

[Anonymous]

Start by further limiting play dates in your home for awhile. Use the upcoming holidays and cold/flu season as a reason for now. Then fall back on being busy again come spring.

[Anonymous]

OP, she was extra b*tchy because her previous friendship advances, in her opinion, had been thwarted. This just isn't going to go well as a pairing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A neighbor with kids that align with mine moved next door. I have a lot going on and don’t often even host people in my home or play dates and she had asked me a few times on days that I just couldn’t because of kid extracurriculars. My fully vaccinated children have bad allergies and are often snotty/congested. My preschooler had that on day this week. So she calls me and asks if she can come over with a bottle of wine and the kids can play. I told her the little one had a cold but otherwise seemed ok. To be honest, I’m not a drop in my house unannounced person and my cleaner didn’t make it this week so already I’m feeling uncomfortable with the get together but straightened up, etc. Kids came over and we had a great time.

That evening my preschooler spiked a fever. I messaged her and let her know and said I hope your kids don’t get sick and I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was more than allergies/mild cold. Within hours it had cleared.
The next day she starts messaging me really early in the AM saying she had to keep her kid home from school. I keep apologizing and you can tell she’s upset and cold with me. It accelerates and she lets me know her kid has a climbing fever and is positive for the flu and the feeling was very much that she wants me to feel guilty. I keep saying sorry I had no idea, I thought it was just a cold etc, I will get my child tested to make sure. At this point my child is completely fine, no fever, in school. It was clear from her messages she felt that the source was my child. So I book my kids and they come back negative for covid, rsv, flu A, flu B, strep.. I asked the pediatrician to test for everything because we have a lot of holiday plans. I tell her that it may be a coincidence because my kids came back negative for everything but part of me is so annoyed at the whole interaction.

I feel like with kids and sickness, it’s best not to point fingers. All our kids are in school and activities and sickness just happens. Where would you go from here with this mom?

I’m going to push back and say that the problem might lie with you and your interpretation. You’ve said nothing here that is actual evidence that this mom was upset. It’s your interpretation that she “wants me to feel guilty.” What? How can you tell from some texts that “she’s cold and upset with me?” Did you want some smilie emojis? What exactly did she say? Not what you “felt,” but her actual words. I mean, if she said “I hope you know you made my kids sick,” then yeah, drop her. But if she was simply sharing the status of her kid’s illness, that’s on you adding your own drama.

Maybe the mom did communicate some stress, but by how much you described your anxiety over having someone come over when your house cleaner hadn’t been to your house that week, I’d say you’re bringing your own cup of drama to this situation. Just another perspective to consider.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a terrible combination of wanting to use you for your friends and connections as well as pouty.

When she started demanding you organize a girls night right there I would have shut that relationship down. She’s a queen bee type, guaranteed. Demanding an audience of your friends isn’t how well adjusted grown women go about making new girlfriends.