How would you handle this? New mom friend + kid sickness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, she was extra b*tchy because her previous friendship advances, in her opinion, had been thwarted. This just isn't going to go well as a pairing.

She probably kept bringing up that her kid is sick because she was hoping you’d reschedule the much anticipated Ladies Night. She wasn’t communicating clearly, but I bet that was her hope. Which is understandable. (The hope for rescheduling is understandable, I mean. She should have just come out and said it. )

[Anonymous]

Also, why is this in family relationship forum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A neighbor with kids that align with mine moved next door. I have a lot going on and don’t often even host people in my home or play dates and she had asked me a few times on days that I just couldn’t because of kid extracurriculars. My fully vaccinated children have bad allergies and are often snotty/congested. My preschooler had that on day this week. So she calls me and asks if she can come over with a bottle of wine and the kids can play. I told her the little one had a cold but otherwise seemed ok. To be honest, I’m not a drop in my house unannounced person and my cleaner didn’t make it this week so already I’m feeling uncomfortable with the get together but straightened up, etc. Kids came over and we had a great time.

That evening my preschooler spiked a fever. I messaged her and let her know and said I hope your kids don’t get sick and I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was more than allergies/mild cold. Within hours it had cleared.
The next day she starts messaging me really early in the AM saying she had to keep her kid home from school. I keep apologizing and you can tell she’s upset and cold with me. It accelerates and she lets me know her kid has a climbing fever and is positive for the flu and the feeling was very much that she wants me to feel guilty. I keep saying sorry I had no idea, I thought it was just a cold etc, I will get my child tested to make sure. At this point my child is completely fine, no fever, in school. It was clear from her messages she felt that the source was my child. So I book my kids and they come back negative for covid, rsv, flu A, flu B, strep.. I asked the pediatrician to test for everything because we have a lot of holiday plans. I tell her that it may be a coincidence because my kids came back negative for everything but part of me is so annoyed at the whole interaction.

I feel like with kids and sickness, it’s best not to point fingers. All our kids are in school and activities and sickness just happens. Where would you go from here with this mom?

I’m going to push back and say that the problem might lie with you and your interpretation. You’ve said nothing here that is actual evidence that this mom was upset. It’s your interpretation that she “wants me to feel guilty.” What? How can you tell from some texts that “she’s cold and upset with me?” Did you want some smilie emojis? What exactly did she say? Not what you “felt,” but her actual words. I mean, if she said “I hope you know you made my kids sick,” then yeah, drop her. But if she was simply sharing the status of her kid’s illness, that’s on you adding your own drama.

Maybe the mom did communicate some stress, but by how much you described your anxiety over having someone come over when your house cleaner hadn’t been to your house that week, I’d say you’re bringing your own cup of drama to this situation. Just another perspective to consider.

I guess. It was passive aggressive. Like the first thing she texted me in the AM was that he was sick and staying home from school. I really didn’t need to know that. Then when I apologized several times her response was “his fever is rising” and “he has the flu” not the normal mom one, “hey sorry it’s not your fault, kids get sick, it could have been from anywhere”

[Anonymous]

You were silly to let her come over when you had a cold. She was silly to accept.

[Anonymous]

Also, her kid wouldn't have been sick the next day if he caught it from you guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A neighbor with kids that align with mine moved next door. I have a lot going on and don’t often even host people in my home or play dates and she had asked me a few times on days that I just couldn’t because of kid extracurriculars. My fully vaccinated children have bad allergies and are often snotty/congested. My preschooler had that on day this week. So she calls me and asks if she can come over with a bottle of wine and the kids can play. I told her the little one had a cold but otherwise seemed ok. To be honest, I’m not a drop in my house unannounced person and my cleaner didn’t make it this week so already I’m feeling uncomfortable with the get together but straightened up, etc. Kids came over and we had a great time.

That evening my preschooler spiked a fever. I messaged her and let her know and said I hope your kids don’t get sick and I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was more than allergies/mild cold. Within hours it had cleared.
The next day she starts messaging me really early in the AM saying she had to keep her kid home from school. I keep apologizing and you can tell she’s upset and cold with me. It accelerates and she lets me know her kid has a climbing fever and is positive for the flu and the feeling was very much that she wants me to feel guilty. I keep saying sorry I had no idea, I thought it was just a cold etc, I will get my child tested to make sure. At this point my child is completely fine, no fever, in school. It was clear from her messages she felt that the source was my child. So I book my kids and they come back negative for covid, rsv, flu A, flu B, strep.. I asked the pediatrician to test for everything because we have a lot of holiday plans. I tell her that it may be a coincidence because my kids came back negative for everything but part of me is so annoyed at the whole interaction.

I feel like with kids and sickness, it’s best not to point fingers. All our kids are in school and activities and sickness just happens. Where would you go from here with this mom?

I’m going to push back and say that the problem might lie with you and your interpretation. You’ve said nothing here that is actual evidence that this mom was upset. It’s your interpretation that she “wants me to feel guilty.” What? How can you tell from some texts that “she’s cold and upset with me?” Did you want some smilie emojis? What exactly did she say? Not what you “felt,” but her actual words. I mean, if she said “I hope you know you made my kids sick,” then yeah, drop her. But if she was simply sharing the status of her kid’s illness, that’s on you adding your own drama.

Maybe the mom did communicate some stress, but by how much you described your anxiety over having someone come over when your house cleaner hadn’t been to your house that week, I’d say you’re bringing your own cup of drama to this situation. Just another perspective to consider.

I guess. It was passive aggressive. Like the first thing she texted me in the AM was that he was sick and staying home from school. I really didn’t need to know that. Then when I apologized several times her response was “his fever is rising” and “he has the flu” not the normal mom one, “hey sorry it’s not your fault, kids get sick, it could have been from anywhere”

Again, this is a lot of your interpreting. You may not communicate that way, but there’s nothing passive-aggressive here. She might have been sharing so that you could be on the look-out for symptoms in your own kids. You don’t know her intent. Maybe she gets stressed about her kid being sick the way you get stressed about a messy house.

Bottom line: Let it go. Give her some grace. Give yourself some grace. Focus on how you enjoyed the afternoon with her.

[Anonymous]

You WARNED her. This person sounds exhausting. I guess now you know you can't get together with her when any kid has a sniffle. So maybe never. Too bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You WARNED her. This person sounds exhausting. I guess now you know you can't get together with her when any kid has a sniffle. So maybe never. Too bad.

PS I have a similar situation - we had been wanting to do smores over a firepit with some friends and had to cancel multiple weekends because our toddler got sick from daycare. When we finally rescheduled, friend warned us his toddler had a cold, as always, but that was all it was. We figured it's outdoors, they'll run around and not spend a lot of time breathing on each other, it'll be fine. Well, I had to pick my kid up at noon Tuesday and he wasn't cleared to go back all week due to low fevers overnight.

I'm not positive he got sick from the other toddler, but if nobody else at day care was sick, it's one of the more likely sources. We saw them at our own risk. I don't think we even let the friends know our kid got sick this week. So yeah I think your new mom friend is over the top.

[Anonymous]

I tend to fade off from pushy moms early on. I've had a few moms get really manipulative and pushy to set up playdates. When people respect my time and boundaries I'm all in, but for a princess mom who thinks basic decency does not apply to her I run. Even if our kids are close, they can be close at school. I have a sibling with a personality disorder who behaves just like the mom you described, but can be far worse in all different settings. this makes me particularly sensitive to people who are boundary stompers and I know it will only get worse.

If she kept pushing me for the girls night, I would have said "Sounds like you are eager to connect. My schedule is full and I will NOT be setting anything u. Here are some suggestions for you."

If she kept pushing for a playdate. "I am sorry that does not work for us. Things are very busy. I think it's best the kids just see eachother out and about in the neighborhood or when they run into eachother at the playground."

[Anonymous]

"Thanks for the warning. I'll continue to test my kid to make sure your kid didn't infect mine with the flu."

[Anonymous]

I would completely disengage from this mom going forward. Her behavior was out of bounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Thanks for the warning. I'll continue to test my kid to make sure your kid didn't infect mine with the flu."

See part of me wanted to respond that way but I didn’t but it’s like turning the same thing on them.

[Anonymous]

Why is this posted in family relationships? I guess it could be worse for OP. This pushy neighbor could be an in law or sister!

[Anonymous]

I would have said "Thanks for the heads up, Larlo's cold/allergies are gone, but if he spikes a fever or has other symptoms, I'll get him tested for the flu tomorrow!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Thanks for the warning. I'll continue to test my kid to make sure your kid didn't infect mine with the flu."

See part of me wanted to respond that way but I didn’t but it’s like turning the same thing on them.

If it comes up again, I’d definitely say this. It’s no more rude than her messages. She’s pushy and aggressive and most definitely isn’t concerned with protecting your feelings, so I’m not sure why you’re handling her delicately.