I’m getting crushed

[Anonymous]

Elderly parents live cross-country. Sister lives with them and is fairly dependent (she works and helps them but is paralyzed with fear at the idea of being on her own. She used to be very independent). This is going to cause ME financial hardship as all my parents have is the money in their home plus social security. If something happens to one/both, they have no other resources to help themselves besides the house funds. With my sister there, not sure they can sell that legally and the financial burden could crush me as that’s where it would fall. Love all of them, including my sister, but the situation is tenuous and is causing a lot of stress.

Add to this, a husband who is emotionally essentially gone, kids who have moved out (two are lovely, one estranged over politics), and feeling trapped due to a sick pet. The other pet who gave me the joy I needed is now in intensive care after taking a prescribed med that he had a severely adverse reaction to. I’m praying he survives. All I can think about is leaving everyone and everything behind (will take dog if he lives), starting over, and leaving the door open for those that want to be in my life. I just want to run. I’d go to where my folks are so I could help, but they have a pet who would kill mine, and furthermore has bitten others before. It’s not safe to stay with them. They are in denial about it.

I’ve written about this before, hoping things would improve, but it’s still status quo a year later. It’s starting to really eat at me. I’m normally someone that bounces back, but I feel myself dropping into a deep hole. I wouldn’t call myself depressed, but I don’t want to get there. How do I strike balance?

[Anonymous]

Therapy. You may not think you’re depressed, but I suspect you are further down that path than you appreciate (because depression is insidious like that). Let someone who can take a more detached view help you figure out the path forward.

[Anonymous]

Agree with previous poster: get therapy to help you sort this out. Its a lot to carry and its not just your parents. Start thinking about what you want for the next stage of your life and what you can and can't do for your parents and sister and discuss with your therapist.

Best wishes to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

You do have my sympathies, OP, but I will give you some tough love so you can get your footing back.

You've said the situation is the same as it was a year ago so it's obviously not going to resolve itself. Time for action.

First, contact the local senior services office in your parents' area or the local bar association. Tell them you need some recommendations for an elder care attorney w/financial planning experience. Tell your parents it would be a good idea for them to make an appointment and go over what their options are, and if they are willing, have you phone in for the conversation.

Just taking that first step may get your parents' attention since listening to an "expert" may be what they need to get out of their inertia and focus on choosing what THEIR last years will/can look like.

Second, your sister is the one who needs therapy. She must deal with her anxiety and prepare to go back to living life as a fully functioning adult.


The Elder law attorney should be able to help with this matter, too, as adult cdependent hildren are not unusual in these kinds of situations. They may be able to provide resources.

[Anonymous]

OP, your parents can take out a reverse mortgage on their house. That may be one way to help the financial situation.

I agree with the PP who said it's time for action. If you can find the energy to solve just one of these issues will likely give you a massive amount of relief I suspect.

I agree you are likely depressed, but honestly I'd go to your PCP and ask for antidepressants rather than starting therapy right now. The idea of one more required task for you right now doesn't sound feasible.

[Anonymous]

I think I remember your previous post and I think you’ve altered the description somewhat. Because I think people thought you were being unfair to your sisters role.

Your sister probably does a lot to help your parents. You even acknowledge she does a lot. She is there in their house and can help them a lot. That is very valuable.

Don’t borrow trouble. If your parents get to a point where the house needs to be sold, deal with it then.

[Anonymous]

You are planning on paying for your parents so your sister can continue to live in their house? Why?

[Anonymous]

I agree on therapy - find someone who is supportive and it can work wonders. A major reason for getting therapy is when you feel stuck and can't figure out a way out, or onwards, or upwards. It sounds like your sister could use some help as well, but start with yourself. Hugs to you and I hope you can identify some solutions.

[Anonymous]

Medicaid. When they are out of money, a parent or both parents, go on medicaid.

OP, you are not responsible for any one else's debts or bad financial situation.

[Anonymous]

You're not getting crushed. You just want them to sell THEIR house for some unknown reason...when they don't need the money yet and haven't indicated they do.

[Anonymous]

You are greedy. Why do you deserve the money? Your sister should get the house as she is caring for them.

[Anonymous]

You are not mentally well because all these issues are not pressing or particularly hard to deal with for a mentally healthy person.

Please call your doctor to get a full work-up in case there's a physical cause, and if/when that's ruled out, get a referral to a psychiatrist who will start you on medication.

Let's rapidly parse through the issues now:

1. Your sister and parents do not need your help NOW. Do not freak out over something that hasn't happened and isn't likely to. You are not obligated to provide for your sister or your parents. Your parents can go to medicare nursing homes. Your sister will fend for herself.

2. Your children are independent and not in need of help, great.

3. Your husband is independent and not in need of help, great.

4. I'm sorry about your pet in intensive care, but for the moment you have no control over the outcome.

5. I understand there's another sick pet, but not critical? It's hard work, but you can do it.

Please call your doctor, OP. You are not well.

[Anonymous]

Running won't solve feelings, which seems most of these are. It may even compound it. Aging parent concerns and what-ifs for when they will become more physically incapacitated are something that can be hard to mentally process. However, nothing is happening with them right now. The closer to home relationships you may have to find a new way of coping with, which talking to someone may help you process what that may be. You can't help the pet situation, just will have to deal as it comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do have my sympathies, OP, but I will give you some tough love so you can get your footing back.

You've said the situation is the same as it was a year ago so it's obviously not going to resolve itself. Time for action.

First, contact the local senior services office in your parents' area or the local bar association. Tell them you need some recommendations for an elder care attorney w/financial planning experience. Tell your parents it would be a good idea for them to make an appointment and go over what their options are, and if they are willing, have you phone in for the conversation.

Just taking that first step may get your parents' attention since listening to an "expert" may be what they need to get out of their inertia and focus on choosing what THEIR last years will/can look like.

Second, your sister is the one who needs therapy. She must deal with her anxiety and prepare to go back to living life as a fully functioning adult.


The Elder law attorney should be able to help with this matter, too, as adult cdependent hildren are not unusual in these kinds of situations. They may be able to provide resources.

Meager savings is finally in the hands of best friend who is a financial planner. Meager meaning they got down to 22K from over a million due to stubbornness and bad investing. Tried for years prior but no love from my mother’s doctor who refused to state that she was not capable which is what the lawyer needed.
It’s simply too late, now that everyone is on board. The damage is done financially and both are not capable anymore of listening to anyone - they have no real options. That ship sailed. Sister called last night to say mother is getting winded very easily. Not sure I can get them to a place where I can help. Hoping husband will rent a home for a few months out there so I can help. On the plus side, little dog is home now and seems to be recovering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your parents can take out a reverse mortgage on their house. That may be one way to help the financial situation.

I agree with the PP who said it's time for action. If you can find the energy to solve just one of these issues will likely give you a massive amount of relief I suspect.

I agree you are likely depressed, but honestly I'd go to your PCP and ask for antidepressants rather than starting therapy right now. The idea of one more required task for you right now doesn't sound feasible.

They were not qualified for a reverse mortgage even though the home is paid off. Age, mental status, etc. Unfortunately, the only thing now that will move the needle is a crisis.