I’m getting crushed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That all sounds very expensive. The nice assisted living place, the removalists who pack and unpack box by box from coast to coast. You say they no longer have any funds, I guess the sale of the house will fund some of it but I would work out for how long. Will the place you want to take them to accept Medicaid?

Sale of the house and my husband and I. I have a home they can move into and I plan to go there for a long while. We have tons of family who can rotate. Both are independent bodily, but need help with chores, etc.

[Anonymous]

I think the crushing is in your mind. Stop thinking about what could happen. Also, they don’t need to leave if they need money. They can get a reverse mortgage. Or Medicaid.

You’ve worked yourself into a frenzy for no reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just here to commiserate, OP. My mother was also insanely stubborn in her senior years and insisted on staying in my hometown where I couldn't be there to help if she had an emergency. We had a lot of years where I tried to get her to make smarter decisions that would allow her to age in place comfortably (and closer to me) while she was still young enough to make those changes comparatively easily.

We fought about it a lot, TBH. Wicked fights. And then we'd go through phases where she seemed to admit she needed to plan better, and even looked at various senior housing options near us. It never happened though. She just kept putting it off.

Then she got sick one August and died eight weeks later. At a comparatively young age too. 20 years before I thought it would happen. On top of the devastation at losing her, I had to clean up a gigantic financial and logistical mess from thousands of miles away. It was everything I had hoped to avoid.

And you know what? It totally sucked. As bad or worse than I imagined it might be when we used to have those fights. I wish my mom could have been kinder to me and planned more because she really left me with a mountain of turd blossoms.

But she was so terrified of death that she just couldn't face it. Pretending it would never happen was how she managed her extreme anxiety about her life ending. It's what allowed her to be happy (not paralyzed with fear) in her final years.

In hindsight, I wish I had found a way to just accept that pretending she'd never die was how she was able to live. I wish I had joined her in that fantasy instead of fighting her. Because none of those fights actually lead to any change that would have had any measurable impact on the hell I had to walk through when she died.

I certainly hope your mom's health scare moves her to a point where she can make better decisions, but if it doesn't, I encourage you to accept what you can't control and just enjoy the time you have left with her.

Thank you so much and I fully understand where you are. What I will tell you is that did everything right and it was your responsibility as a loving child to bring these things up, even if they led to disagreement. I agree it’s the fear. I’m so sorry you are going through the hell after. Awful. It’s just not fair and you have every right to your anger. Do NOT feel guilty about it.

Turns out my mother had a heart attack. What should have been a widow maker, yet her vitals were remarkably stable. Her wonderful cardiologist had the foresight to see that she was high risk enough to not want to attempt the balloon angioplasty himself and called in a high-risk cardiologist. She had the procedure last night and it was textbook. So there’s good news there. My mother really wants to come East now but we have to see how feasible it is physically. I’ve already talked to my husband and plan B will be me renting a home out there and spending months at a time. Remote work lends itself to that. Kids are grown, etc. The reason back east would be better is because of the huge number of friends and family that can help. Devoting my salary to their care was not in the cards, but it might have to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the crushing is in your mind. Stop thinking about what could happen. Also, they don’t need to leave if they need money. They can get a reverse mortgage. Or Medicaid.

You’ve worked yourself into a frenzy for no reason.

Hey moron - they were turned down for a reverse mortgage. And have you seen Medicaid facilities? Trust me when they are forced by health and finances to choose between an apartment in huge home here in VA or a 5 br beach home vs a Medicaid facility, they will choose wisely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just here to commiserate, OP. My mother was also insanely stubborn in her senior years and insisted on staying in my hometown where I couldn't be there to help if she had an emergency. We had a lot of years where I tried to get her to make smarter decisions that would allow her to age in place comfortably (and closer to me) while she was still young enough to make those changes comparatively easily.

We fought about it a lot, TBH. Wicked fights. And then we'd go through phases where she seemed to admit she needed to plan better, and even looked at various senior housing options near us. It never happened though. She just kept putting it off.

Then she got sick one August and died eight weeks later. At a comparatively young age too. 20 years before I thought it would happen. On top of the devastation at losing her, I had to clean up a gigantic financial and logistical mess from thousands of miles away. It was everything I had hoped to avoid.

And you know what? It totally sucked. As bad or worse than I imagined it might be when we used to have those fights. I wish my mom could have been kinder to me and planned more because she really left me with a mountain of turd blossoms.

But she was so terrified of death that she just couldn't face it. Pretending it would never happen was how she managed her extreme anxiety about her life ending. It's what allowed her to be happy (not paralyzed with fear) in her final years.

In hindsight, I wish I had found a way to just accept that pretending she'd never die was how she was able to live. I wish I had joined her in that fantasy instead of fighting her. Because none of those fights actually lead to any change that would have had any measurable impact on the hell I had to walk through when she died.

I certainly hope your mom's health scare moves her to a point where she can make better decisions, but if it doesn't, I encourage you to accept what you can't control and just enjoy the time you have left with her.

Thank you so much and I fully understand where you are. What I will tell you is that did everything right and it was your responsibility as a loving child to bring these things up, even if they led to disagreement. I agree it’s the fear. I’m so sorry you are going through the hell after. Awful. It’s just not fair and you have every right to your anger. Do NOT feel guilty about it.

Turns out my mother had a heart attack. What should have been a widow maker, yet her vitals were remarkably stable. Her wonderful cardiologist had the foresight to see that she was high risk enough to not want to attempt the balloon angioplasty himself and called in a high-risk cardiologist. She had the procedure last night and it was textbook. So there’s good news there. My mother really wants to come East now but we have to see how feasible it is physically. I’ve already talked to my husband and plan B will be me renting a home out there and spending months at a time. Remote work lends itself to that. Kids are grown, etc. The reason back east would be better is because of the huge number of friends and family that can help. Devoting my salary to their care was not in the cards, but it might have to be.

PP here. I'm so glad to hear your mum is recovering from her heart attack. Really hope you can move forward in a way that gets you both to where you have the most support. Hang in there. This is a really hard time of life for all involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just here to commiserate, OP. My mother was also insanely stubborn in her senior years and insisted on staying in my hometown where I couldn't be there to help if she had an emergency. We had a lot of years where I tried to get her to make smarter decisions that would allow her to age in place comfortably (and closer to me) while she was still young enough to make those changes comparatively easily.

We fought about it a lot, TBH. Wicked fights. And then we'd go through phases where she seemed to admit she needed to plan better, and even looked at various senior housing options near us. It never happened though. She just kept putting it off.

Then she got sick one August and died eight weeks later. At a comparatively young age too. 20 years before I thought it would happen. On top of the devastation at losing her, I had to clean up a gigantic financial and logistical mess from thousands of miles away. It was everything I had hoped to avoid.

And you know what? It totally sucked. As bad or worse than I imagined it might be when we used to have those fights. I wish my mom could have been kinder to me and planned more because she really left me with a mountain of turd blossoms.

But she was so terrified of death that she just couldn't face it. Pretending it would never happen was how she managed her extreme anxiety about her life ending. It's what allowed her to be happy (not paralyzed with fear) in her final years.

In hindsight, I wish I had found a way to just accept that pretending she'd never die was how she was able to live. I wish I had joined her in that fantasy instead of fighting her. Because none of those fights actually lead to any change that would have had any measurable impact on the hell I had to walk through when she died.

I certainly hope your mom's health scare moves her to a point where she can make better decisions, but if it doesn't, I encourage you to accept what you can't control and just enjoy the time you have left with her.

Thank you so much and I fully understand where you are. What I will tell you is that did everything right and it was your responsibility as a loving child to bring these things up, even if they led to disagreement. I agree it’s the fear. I’m so sorry you are going through the hell after. Awful. It’s just not fair and you have every right to your anger. Do NOT feel guilty about it.

Turns out my mother had a heart attack. What should have been a widow maker, yet her vitals were remarkably stable. Her wonderful cardiologist had the foresight to see that she was high risk enough to not want to attempt the balloon angioplasty himself and called in a high-risk cardiologist. She had the procedure last night and it was textbook. So there’s good news there. My mother really wants to come East now but we have to see how feasible it is physically. I’ve already talked to my husband and plan B will be me renting a home out there and spending months at a time. Remote work lends itself to that. Kids are grown, etc. The reason back east would be better is because of the huge number of friends and family that can help. Devoting my salary to their care was not in the cards, but it might have to be.

PP here. I'm so glad to hear your mum is recovering from her heart attack. Really hope you can move forward in a way that gets you both to where you have the most support. Hang in there. This is a really hard time of life for all involved.

You're not going to believe this. My father's friend in MA called him and wants him to work with him on a book re: their experiences with the programs they created at Harvard. My father's stroke affected his speech but his recall is excellent. NOW he WANTS to move back - so funny how the world turns on a dime like this. I came out to their home for a while. Mom had a minor stroke and more chest pain, which was scary, but she's back on track and will go to acute or home rehab soon. And their dog, who is nasty and I was afraid would not remember me, wagged his tail and took a treat from me. My sister and I will take him for a fun car ride this weekend to further cement the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just here to commiserate, OP. My mother was also insanely stubborn in her senior years and insisted on staying in my hometown where I couldn't be there to help if she had an emergency. We had a lot of years where I tried to get her to make smarter decisions that would allow her to age in place comfortably (and closer to me) while she was still young enough to make those changes comparatively easily.

We fought about it a lot, TBH. Wicked fights. And then we'd go through phases where she seemed to admit she needed to plan better, and even looked at various senior housing options near us. It never happened though. She just kept putting it off.

Then she got sick one August and died eight weeks later. At a comparatively young age too. 20 years before I thought it would happen. On top of the devastation at losing her, I had to clean up a gigantic financial and logistical mess from thousands of miles away. It was everything I had hoped to avoid.

And you know what? It totally sucked. As bad or worse than I imagined it might be when we used to have those fights. I wish my mom could have been kinder to me and planned more because she really left me with a mountain of turd blossoms.

But she was so terrified of death that she just couldn't face it. Pretending it would never happen was how she managed her extreme anxiety about her life ending. It's what allowed her to be happy (not paralyzed with fear) in her final years.

In hindsight, I wish I had found a way to just accept that pretending she'd never die was how she was able to live. I wish I had joined her in that fantasy instead of fighting her. Because none of those fights actually lead to any change that would have had any measurable impact on the hell I had to walk through when she died.

I certainly hope your mom's health scare moves her to a point where she can make better decisions, but if it doesn't, I encourage you to accept what you can't control and just enjoy the time you have left with her.

Thank you so much and I fully understand where you are. What I will tell you is that did everything right and it was your responsibility as a loving child to bring these things up, even if they led to disagreement. I agree it’s the fear. I’m so sorry you are going through the hell after. Awful. It’s just not fair and you have every right to your anger. Do NOT feel guilty about it.

Turns out my mother had a heart attack. What should have been a widow maker, yet her vitals were remarkably stable. Her wonderful cardiologist had the foresight to see that she was high risk enough to not want to attempt the balloon angioplasty himself and called in a high-risk cardiologist. She had the procedure last night and it was textbook. So there’s good news there. My mother really wants to come East now but we have to see how feasible it is physically. I’ve already talked to my husband and plan B will be me renting a home out there and spending months at a time. Remote work lends itself to that. Kids are grown, etc. The reason back east would be better is because of the huge number of friends and family that can help. Devoting my salary to their care was not in the cards, but it might have to be.

PP here. I'm so glad to hear your mum is recovering from her heart attack. Really hope you can move forward in a way that gets you both to where you have the most support. Hang in there. This is a really hard time of life for all involved.

And thank you PP. You've been very kind. I want the best for you and if you need to vent. I fully get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just here to commiserate, OP. My mother was also insanely stubborn in her senior years and insisted on staying in my hometown where I couldn't be there to help if she had an emergency. We had a lot of years where I tried to get her to make smarter decisions that would allow her to age in place comfortably (and closer to me) while she was still young enough to make those changes comparatively easily.

We fought about it a lot, TBH. Wicked fights. And then we'd go through phases where she seemed to admit she needed to plan better, and even looked at various senior housing options near us. It never happened though. She just kept putting it off.

Then she got sick one August and died eight weeks later. At a comparatively young age too. 20 years before I thought it would happen. On top of the devastation at losing her, I had to clean up a gigantic financial and logistical mess from thousands of miles away. It was everything I had hoped to avoid.

And you know what? It totally sucked. As bad or worse than I imagined it might be when we used to have those fights. I wish my mom could have been kinder to me and planned more because she really left me with a mountain of turd blossoms.

But she was so terrified of death that she just couldn't face it. Pretending it would never happen was how she managed her extreme anxiety about her life ending. It's what allowed her to be happy (not paralyzed with fear) in her final years.

In hindsight, I wish I had found a way to just accept that pretending she'd never die was how she was able to live. I wish I had joined her in that fantasy instead of fighting her. Because none of those fights actually lead to any change that would have had any measurable impact on the hell I had to walk through when she died.

I certainly hope your mom's health scare moves her to a point where she can make better decisions, but if it doesn't, I encourage you to accept what you can't control and just enjoy the time you have left with her.

Thank you so much and I fully understand where you are. What I will tell you is that did everything right and it was your responsibility as a loving child to bring these things up, even if they led to disagreement. I agree it’s the fear. I’m so sorry you are going through the hell after. Awful. It’s just not fair and you have every right to your anger. Do NOT feel guilty about it.

Turns out my mother had a heart attack. What should have been a widow maker, yet her vitals were remarkably stable. Her wonderful cardiologist had the foresight to see that she was high risk enough to not want to attempt the balloon angioplasty himself and called in a high-risk cardiologist. She had the procedure last night and it was textbook. So there’s good news there. My mother really wants to come East now but we have to see how feasible it is physically. I’ve already talked to my husband and plan B will be me renting a home out there and spending months at a time. Remote work lends itself to that. Kids are grown, etc. The reason back east would be better is because of the huge number of friends and family that can help. Devoting my salary to their care was not in the cards, but it might have to be.

PP here. I'm so glad to hear your mum is recovering from her heart attack. Really hope you can move forward in a way that gets you both to where you have the most support. Hang in there. This is a really hard time of life for all involved.

And thank you PP. You've been very kind. I want the best for you and if you need to vent. I fully get it.

If you need to vent, please post. That's what I meant to say

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in a situation a little similar to yours. My parents have little to no money except their house. They have told me many times they want to sell the house and move into something smaller, closer to me. For years I tried to help them achieve this goal yet nothing actually changed. And I do not have any siblings to help with this. I have finally realized that they are choosing by not choosing anything. At some point their health will not let them stay in their home and I realized I will just have to deal with this when it happens. I love them and I support them but I can't force them do anything...they are adults. It's not easy but I agree with your therapist to just let it go and deal with it when it happens. Because the alternative was me always stressed and angry and upset which was not good for anyone. Good luck to you.

I’m so sorry to hear it because I know how hard it is. My sister just called and my mother is now hospitalized with congestive heart failure. She hid her symptoms until she could barely walk across the room. She had a heart stress test about 6 weeks ago and cleared it. No idea how that happened. I’m still waiting on more information. She had a bladder infection last week (was told that but had no symptoms - they went on bloodwork). I’m now thinking something else was up or the infection has moved to her heart. She’s been having tachycardia on and off since the night of her second sh*t back in March - that’s when it started.

I’m so angry right now because after my father’s debilitating stroke, I wanted the money moved into less risky funds. All my mother would do is scream “I don’t want to talk about it”. This went on for years as their life saving was hit over and over, until they had a tiny fraction of what they used to. So now, I will probably go out there, have to rent a house long-term (their dog is vicious so I can’t stay with them) or stay with my aunt who is also ill, which means no emotional break at all. If they stabilize her with meds and she can leave the hospital and fly, I’m forcing a move through a lawyer. I’m done with this ccrap

Sorry, but this is not an option. Your mother is not incompetent. She is still an adult who gets to make her own decisions. There is no judge who will deem her incompetent without a lot of documentation and expert/physician testimony that proves she is. No honest attorney will take a case like this as they know it is a no-win.

Honestly, after this last post OP it appears that you do indeed need therapy as your thought process seems spiraling off track. Do you really think forcing an elderly woman with serious helath conditions onto a plane to move away from her home is a reasonable action to alleviate your stress? I think you should let your brother (and sister) have the reins for your parents' care and you should step back.

I'm so very sorry you're going through this. And that their funds are now depleted. The silver lining is that now she is close to qualifying for Medicaid to cover her nursing home care. And it sounds like she will financially hit that point soon. It would most likely require selling the house and using that to qualify for Medicaid funds but if it's necessary, so be it. You're constantly battering yourself against a wall at this point, so the advice of stepping back and letting the chips fall where they may sounds the most reasonable. It's all heading in the same direction no matter what you do, so let it unfold and reduce your own stress.

They can keep the house under Medicaid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in a situation a little similar to yours. My parents have little to no money except their house. They have told me many times they want to sell the house and move into something smaller, closer to me. For years I tried to help them achieve this goal yet nothing actually changed. And I do not have any siblings to help with this. I have finally realized that they are choosing by not choosing anything. At some point their health will not let them stay in their home and I realized I will just have to deal with this when it happens. I love them and I support them but I can't force them do anything...they are adults. It's not easy but I agree with your therapist to just let it go and deal with it when it happens. Because the alternative was me always stressed and angry and upset which was not good for anyone. Good luck to you.

I’m so sorry to hear it because I know how hard it is. My sister just called and my mother is now hospitalized with congestive heart failure. She hid her symptoms until she could barely walk across the room. She had a heart stress test about 6 weeks ago and cleared it. No idea how that happened. I’m still waiting on more information. She had a bladder infection last week (was told that but had no symptoms - they went on bloodwork). I’m now thinking something else was up or the infection has moved to her heart. She’s been having tachycardia on and off since the night of her second sh*t back in March - that’s when it started.

I’m so angry right now because after my father’s debilitating stroke, I wanted the money moved into less risky funds. All my mother would do is scream “I don’t want to talk about it”. This went on for years as their life saving was hit over and over, until they had a tiny fraction of what they used to. So now, I will probably go out there, have to rent a house long-term (their dog is vicious so I can’t stay with them) or stay with my aunt who is also ill, which means no emotional break at all. If they stabilize her with meds and she can leave the hospital and fly, I’m forcing a move through a lawyer. I’m done with this ccrap

Sorry, but this is not an option. Your mother is not incompetent. She is still an adult who gets to make her own decisions. There is no judge who will deem her incompetent without a lot of documentation and expert/physician testimony that proves she is. No honest attorney will take a case like this as they know it is a no-win.

Honestly, after this last post OP it appears that you do indeed need therapy as your thought process seems spiraling off track. Do you really think forcing an elderly woman with serious helath conditions onto a plane to move away from her home is a reasonable action to alleviate your stress? I think you should let your brother (and sister) have the reins for your parents' care and you should step back.

I'm so very sorry you're going through this. And that their funds are now depleted. The silver lining is that now she is close to qualifying for Medicaid to cover her nursing home care. And it sounds like she will financially hit that point soon. It would most likely require selling the house and using that to qualify for Medicaid funds but if it's necessary, so be it. You're constantly battering yourself against a wall at this point, so the advice of stepping back and letting the chips fall where they may sounds the most reasonable. It's all heading in the same direction no matter what you do, so let it unfold and reduce your own stress.

They can keep the house under Medicaid.

Good to now. I thin they'd like to sell tho

[Anonymous]

OP here. I flew to my folks last week. The sh*tshow on the ground is astounding. Mother still acting like the three monkeys, in denial about everything. People still telling me how ‘mean’ I am. My standard response is: “I’m so glad you are willing to financially pitch in to help. Can I expect your check in a few days or will you write it now?”. That usually shuts them up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I flew to my folks last week. The sh*tshow on the ground is astounding. Mother still acting like the three monkeys, in denial about everything. People still telling me how ‘mean’ I am. My standard response is: “I’m so glad you are willing to financially pitch in to help. Can I expect your check in a few days or will you write it now?”. That usually shuts them up

LOL I'm OP of another thread here. I'm sure though the original OP shares my sentiment.

[Anonymous]

Dealing with a dog with cancer for years? Put it down. One issue solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You are not mentally well because all these issues are not pressing or particularly hard to deal with for a mentally healthy person.

Please call your doctor to get a full work-up in case there's a physical cause, and if/when that's ruled out, get a referral to a psychiatrist who will start you on medication.

Let's rapidly parse through the issues now:

1. Your sister and parents do not need your help NOW. Do not freak out over something that hasn't happened and isn't likely to. You are not obligated to provide for your sister or your parents. Your parents can go to medicare nursing homes. Your sister will fend for herself.

2. Your children are independent and not in need of help, great.

3. Your husband is independent and not in need of help, great.

4. I'm sorry about your pet in intensive care, but for the moment you have no control over the outcome.

5. I understand there's another sick pet, but not critical? It's hard work, but you can do it.

Please call your doctor, OP. You are not well.

+1. You actually have very little responsibility in your life right now and should be enjoying your freedom… but you aren’t. You are manufacturing crises that you are allowing to drag you down. You need a 180 degree change in attitude and likely need therapy to help you recognize that.
Good luck. I hope you find peace and joy again. It is there if you look

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You are not mentally well because all these issues are not pressing or particularly hard to deal with for a mentally healthy person.

Please call your doctor to get a full work-up in case there's a physical cause, and if/when that's ruled out, get a referral to a psychiatrist who will start you on medication.

Let's rapidly parse through the issues now:

1. Your sister and parents do not need your help NOW. Do not freak out over something that hasn't happened and isn't likely to. You are not obligated to provide for your sister or your parents. Your parents can go to medicare nursing homes. Your sister will fend for herself.

2. Your children are independent and not in need of help, great.

3. Your husband is independent and not in need of help, great.

4. I'm sorry about your pet in intensive care, but for the moment you have no control over the outcome.

5. I understand there's another sick pet, but not critical? It's hard work, but you can do it.

Please call your doctor, OP. You are not well.

+1. You actually have very little responsibility in your life right now and should be enjoying your freedom… but you aren’t. You are manufacturing crises that you are allowing to drag you down. You need a 180 degree change in attitude and likely need therapy to help you recognize that.
Good luck. I hope you find peace and joy again. It is there if you look

I expect both your checks within the week. I assume you both are ready to help the with the financial strain since my folks can't afford to live in their home anymore? So kind of you both to offer.