Made plans for thanksgiving and now IL’s want me to come to their home.
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Anonymous
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My husband is gone for work this Thanksgiving. I’m Canadian so US Thanksgiving doesn’t hold a whole lot of weight for me, but I do get two days off which is nice.
We have a 2.5 year old son and I will be travelling with him across the border for the next 5 days to visit my parents. I ordered a small thanksgiving dinner for my son and I from Whole Foods. We will be doing a turkey trot 1K the day after thanksgiving. My IL’s just called and invited us to their house. I told them I had plans and had already ordered a meal. They seem to think this is sad and that my son and I "can’t be alone on thanksgiving." I reiterated that I really didn’t want the food to go to waste and they said to just bring it over. The issue is they’re all very heavy drinkers and my SIL, BIL and her two school-aged children are all not vaccinated. I’m trying to be polite here and told my IL’s I won’t be coming because we already have plans but that answer isn’t good enough and they’re insisting they stop by after dinner because they haven’t seen my son in a while. This is really petty but I have gone to my IL’s house for years for thanksgiving and they’re terrible cooks - half of the meal is canned or comes from a box. I’m really looking forward to a restaurant made meal with my son at home in our pajamas. This is frustrating to me because I already made plans and am very happy with what were doing. Im irritated that I’m expected to maintain relationships with my IL’s when my husband is gone. I really don’t want to expose my son to unvaccinated groups of people who will undoubtedly want to hug and play with him. But they don’t know any boundaries and I’m trying to set mine but they’re really not respecting my plans. I’m also just tired. I’ve been doing the single mom thing since my husband has been gone for work. I’m a social worker and we are so low staffed; I want to spend my time off doing things with my son that we enjoy. I just really don’t know how to talk my in laws we won’t be coming without offending them or causing a ruffle. |
Anonymous
| They're not respecting your boundaries because you're not setting any. You need to say "Thanksgiving evening isn't a good time for a visit for us. Why don't you talk to DH about a get together sometime soon?" Then you need to call your DH, have him talk to his mom and make sure she knows not to show up on Thanksgiving. |
Anonymous
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Non-vaccinated guests is a deal-breaker. Hell no.
Otherwise, it would be very rude for you to keep family away from their grandson when you live in Canada and it's a rare opportunity to see him, when you have no real plans. Like, blah blah blah, food can be frozen or brought along. Your child is half-American, so rude for you to over-ride the significance of that cultural moment for him and for his father's family just because you are Canadian. |
Anonymous
+1 Don't negotiate. Just say no, again, and refer them to your husband for another visit time. |
Anonymous
| I think you just need to be direct. "We aren't going to participate in any indoor activities with unvaccinated folks because DC isn't eligible to be vaccinated yet. I know it is awful to STILL be going through this, but I wouldn't forgive myself if he got sick. I know DC would love to see you -- maybe we can meet up at the park next weekend?" |
Anonymous
I live in the US, I don’t live in Canada. My family lives in Canada. My IL’s live 20 minutes away. My husband does not care about thanksgiving, he’s never seen it as having cultural significance so I’m not sure what you’re getting at. |
Anonymous
| I’m confused. Are you going to your parents for thanksgiving (you said across the border) or you’ll be back before thanksgiving? |
Anonymous
I’m driving across the border tomorrow and will be back on Wednesday (23rd) of next week. |
Anonymous
| We will be returning from travelling out of country and intend on spending a few days together upon return. Husband will contact you later about setting up a good time for us to get together and visit. |
Anonymous
| Say no, that you appreciate the offer but that you’ll be tired from the trip and are looking forward to a quiet day and early bedtime. Say you will connect up with them another time. I also think it’s fair to point out covid concerns. If need be, have your spouse run interference. |
Anonymous
| PS—shoulda maybe fudged the truth about when you’re returning. Lesson learned! |
Anonymous
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Just say you appreciate the offer, but that you have plans already and are going to stick to them. Follow up with "Can't wait to see you on X day!" whenever you will be seeing them next.
Don't bring up unvaccinated brother etc. Just say you have plans, are happy with those plans, and will see them on X day later. Thanks! Bye! Love you! |
Anonymous
| Since they won't take no for an answer you have to be firm or dodge their calls. |
Anonymous
| I'd be honest about the unvaxxed relatives issue. It's their right to not get vaxxed but your right to refuse to spend time with them with an unvaxxed child. Grandparents can come see him the next day and you can have some pie together. |
Anonymous
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Just tell them you'll be staying longer with your family.
I agree with others that you aren't setting a boundary. "I have plans, I won't be home. Why don't we plan to get together Friday afternoon?" (or saturday or whatever works). |