Help me set boundaries with my struggling mom

[Anonymous]

I love my mom and we have a mostly good relationship. She has a lot of anxiety and gets overwhelmed by things that I then handle for her like booking flights or doing research etc. I want to be supportive and help her, but I'm noticing how much her stress affects me. I want to get better at setting a healthy boundary without 'abandoning' her. She's moving and has a lot of anxiety and is all over the place.

How to support and be kind without taking on her burdens?

[Anonymous]

It’s so hard, OP. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

I’m finally to the point where I will just allow her to do things herself and just vent to me — I give her a few minutes a week to vent. She refuses HELP, and I no longer try unless it’s a safety issue. It’s really, REALLY hard to leave it at the door, so to speak, but practice helps.

So now I fully anticipate that my mom will anxiously vent about an issue, but I also know she will refuse help, so all I can do is be an ear for her to complain to, only now it’s on my terms. If I don’t have the bandwidth, I don’t call or answer a call. If she’s mad, she’s mad. She doesn’t care when she makes things uncomfortable for ME, and so I’ve learned to put myself first. Now I know she will be upset, but she does get over it.

I hope that makes sense. Hugs, Op.

[Anonymous]

Thanks PP, that sounds a lot like my mom. She also rejects help and I spend a fair amount of time reassuring her and then realize I feel anxious and on edge myself! I don't get anxious in the same way, so it's not a reciprocal thing where she also helps me with my stressors. I like your suggestion of not picking up the phone. I've been doing that a bit more lately.

Anonymous wrote:It’s so hard, OP. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

I’m finally to the point where I will just allow her to do things herself and just vent to me — I give her a few minutes a week to vent. She refuses HELP, and I no longer try unless it’s a safety issue. It’s really, REALLY hard to leave it at the door, so to speak, but practice helps.

So now I fully anticipate that my mom will anxiously vent about an issue, but I also know she will refuse help, so all I can do is be an ear for her to complain to, only now it’s on my terms. If I don’t have the bandwidth, I don’t call or answer a call. If she’s mad, she’s mad. She doesn’t care when she makes things uncomfortable for ME, and so I’ve learned to put myself first. Now I know she will be upset, but she does get over it.

I hope that makes sense. Hugs, Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Thanks PP, that sounds a lot like my mom. She also rejects help and I spend a fair amount of time reassuring her and then realize I feel anxious and on edge myself! I don't get anxious in the same way, so it's not a reciprocal thing where she also helps me with my stressors. I like your suggestion of not picking up the phone. I've been doing that a bit more lately.

Anonymous wrote:It’s so hard, OP. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

I’m finally to the point where I will just allow her to do things herself and just vent to me — I give her a few minutes a week to vent. She refuses HELP, and I no longer try unless it’s a safety issue. It’s really, REALLY hard to leave it at the door, so to speak, but practice helps.

So now I fully anticipate that my mom will anxiously vent about an issue, but I also know she will refuse help, so all I can do is be an ear for her to complain to, only now it’s on my terms. If I don’t have the bandwidth, I don’t call or answer a call. If she’s mad, she’s mad. She doesn’t care when she makes things uncomfortable for ME, and so I’ve learned to put myself first. Now I know she will be upset, but she does get over it.

I hope that makes sense. Hugs, Op.

I’ve literally gotten to the point where when I get off the phone, I take a few deep breaths and just leave it. It took quite a few times to get here. In the beginning, I’d make myself take breaths until the feeling was pushed back down. It’s not about me (or you). I’m not doing anything wrong (neither are you!) I can’t help her, all I can do is listen when I can listen. And then I leave it.

[Anonymous]

As long as she is able minded, step back and don't enable. She can choose not to get help for the anxiety and you can chose not to reinforce it by doing things for her she can do herself. I say this as someone who enabled my mom for years. When I stepped back she went berserk and eventually got on anxiety meds-WORLD of difference.

[Anonymous]

I am struggling enormously with something similar. My mother stresses me out so much that I can barely keep a relationship with her.... and when i try to be helpful, she is critical or defensive. It is screwing up my anxiety levels/ability to sleep. So, no tips from me, just empathy.

[Anonymous]

"That sounds stressful Mom. Good thing you're a smart, capable lady who has experience handling difficult things. I know you can handle this too."

That's your boundary. Acknowledging the difficulty, then reminding them they have dealt before, and encouraging them to handle it again.

[Anonymous]

This is a great point. I know you’re right answer I need to remind myself of this. What helped you to stop enabling your mom? I have to believe it was hard at first. I sometimes struggle w the line between ‘enabling’ and the normal give and take in relationships. Like I make doctor’s appointments for my spouse bc I know he won’t go otherwise. I don’t force him to go but say I made an appointment at x time cancel if you don’t want it. He always goes and is glad for it. Similarly he’ll take my car to get washed or detailed. Is this enabling or reciprocity?

Anonymous wrote:As long as she is able minded, step back and don't enable. She can choose not to get help for the anxiety and you can chose not to reinforce it by doing things for her she can do herself. I say this as someone who enabled my mom for years. When I stepped back she went berserk and eventually got on anxiety meds-WORLD of difference.

[Anonymous]

Another great piece of advice. I really need to get myself out of problem solving mode and into more reflecting and validating. Did you notice a difference when you started responding more like your sample dialogue?

Anonymous wrote:"That sounds stressful Mom. Good thing you're a smart, capable lady who has experience handling difficult things. I know you can handle this too."

That's your boundary. Acknowledging the difficulty, then reminding them they have dealt before, and encouraging them to handle it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is a great point. I know you’re right answer I need to remind myself of this. What helped you to stop enabling your mom? I have to believe it was hard at first. I sometimes struggle w the line between ‘enabling’ and the normal give and take in relationships. Like I make doctor’s appointments for my spouse bc I know he won’t go otherwise. I don’t force him to go but say I made an appointment at x time cancel if you don’t want it. He always goes and is glad for it. Similarly he’ll take my car to get washed or detailed. Is this enabling or reciprocity?

Anonymous wrote:As long as she is able minded, step back and don't enable. She can choose not to get help for the anxiety and you can chose not to reinforce it by doing things for her she can do herself. I say this as someone who enabled my mom for years. When I stepped back she went berserk and eventually got on anxiety meds-WORLD of difference.

That's fine. You are your spouse help eachother with weaknesses. If he didn't go to the appointment and you had to have a huge fight each time that would be different.

The parent child relationship is different. Until your mom is cognitively disabled, you should not have to do what a spouse, friend or her own parent would do. You should not be her primary source of comfort. You can still be a parentified child as an adult. There is too much of a power differential there because she is still your MOTHER. It's not her place to need coddling and then I assume she plays the "mom card" now and then? My mom did and it was so creepy. She should look to her friends for that level of emotional support, or her equals in the family like cousins and siblings and to a therapist. It's like having to comfort your boss. It's a boundary violation if it goes too far. Sure you can develop somewhat of a friendship with a parent in adulthood, but you cannot become an emotional crutch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is a great point. I know you’re right answer I need to remind myself of this. What helped you to stop enabling your mom? I have to believe it was hard at first. I sometimes struggle w the line between ‘enabling’ and the normal give and take in relationships. Like I make doctor’s appointments for my spouse bc I know he won’t go otherwise. I don’t force him to go but say I made an appointment at x time cancel if you don’t want it. He always goes and is glad for it. Similarly he’ll take my car to get washed or detailed. Is this enabling or reciprocity?

Anonymous wrote:As long as she is able minded, step back and don't enable. She can choose not to get help for the anxiety and you can chose not to reinforce it by doing things for her she can do herself. I say this as someone who enabled my mom for years. When I stepped back she went berserk and eventually got on anxiety meds-WORLD of difference.

That's fine. You are your spouse help eachother with weaknesses. If he didn't go to the appointment and you had to have a huge fight each time that would be different.

The parent child relationship is different. Until your mom is cognitively disabled, you should not have to do what a spouse, friend or her own parent would do. You should not be her primary source of comfort. You can still be a parentified child as an adult. There is too much of a power differential there because she is still your MOTHER. It's not her place to need coddling and then I assume she plays the "mom card" now and then? My mom did and it was so creepy. She should look to her friends for that level of emotional support, or her equals in the family like cousins and siblings and to a therapist. It's like having to comfort your boss. It's a boundary violation if it goes too far. Sure you can develop somewhat of a friendship with a parent in adulthood, but you cannot become an emotional crutch.

Forgot to answer...what helped me stop enabling my mom is my own health was suffering from dealing with all her neediness and irritability and I was not able to be the parent I wanted to be to my own children. I started to really resent her. Therapy helped me set the boundary and stop being overwhelmed with guilt for not making mommy happy.

[Anonymous]

OP has your dad died recently? When my dad died, my mom had not driven the car for 10 years, she didn't know how to load the laundry or the dishwasher - because he'd done EVERYTHING for her for so long. He even did all the cooking, grew vegetables and had a job - yes an actual job. And when he died she was like "you have to look after me now" and I said that I thought she could look after herself that she was just out of practice.

And she did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I love my mom and we have a mostly good relationship. She has a lot of anxiety and gets overwhelmed by things that I then handle for her like booking flights or doing research etc. I want to be supportive and help her, but I'm noticing how much her stress affects me. I want to get better at setting a healthy boundary without 'abandoning' her. She's moving and has a lot of anxiety and is all over the place.

How to support and be kind without taking on her burdens?

This is going to sound basic but I find regular exercise is essential. It helps me to keep crappy family
baggage in perspective and feel like I am taking care of myself:

That is my self care but maybe you have other ways that work better for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another great piece of advice. I really need to get myself out of problem solving mode and into more reflecting and validating. Did you notice a difference when you started responding more like your sample dialogue?

Anonymous wrote:"That sounds stressful Mom. Good thing you're a smart, capable lady who has experience handling difficult things. I know you can handle this too."

That's your boundary. Acknowledging the difficulty, then reminding them they have dealt before, and encouraging them to handle it again.

Well, I've always been great at setting boundaries so have never had to deal with the sort of thing you're dealing with. I was basically born knowing the word "no" was a complete sentence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another great piece of advice. I really need to get myself out of problem solving mode and into more reflecting and validating. Did you notice a difference when you started responding more like your sample dialogue?

Anonymous wrote:"That sounds stressful Mom. Good thing you're a smart, capable lady who has experience handling difficult things. I know you can handle this too."

That's your boundary. Acknowledging the difficulty, then reminding them they have dealt before, and encouraging them to handle it again.

Well, I've always been great at setting boundaries so have never had to deal with the sort of thing you're dealing with. I was basically born knowing the word "no" was a complete sentence.