How would you feel about this MIL taking over kitchen thing? Am I being petty?

[Anonymous]

So, I must preface this by noting that my MIL drives me mad and I am thus not a good judge of whether or not she is being terrible. I am not objective, ha. But I am feeling extra irritated about this and I want to get a pulse check. We just got a new house (her son's new house!) with a great kitchen. I love to cook, I am very clean and organized and I keep the kitchen perfect. It is a thing that I have. We are hosting thanksgiving and they are coming for a week. My MIL has already announced that she can't wait to break our kitchen in!! - she fancies herself a master chef - and has sent all kinds of food packages and announced she is making all these complicated things here the whole week. I am apparently alone for t day, of course, how logical. She is incredibly messy and piles food and supplies on counters. She does not clean up after herself. Her kitchen is a disaster. My poor perfect kitchen is going to be destroyed and I am going to be booted out of it and I am deeply annoyed. I would never dream of doing this to someone I was visiting. We already have a fraught relationship. Is this not rude?

[Anonymous]

It's rude because she doesn't clean up after herself.

I'd have a talk with your DH about HIM doing the extra clean up and trying to steer her away from it.

But if that fails, pour a cocktail and excuse yourself from the kitchen entirely. Ask your DH to be one step behind mummy with the cleaning and you go read somewhere else so it doesn't drive you batty.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her that you need the kitchen because you're preparing Thanksgiving. If she wants to make a pie or something on Wednesday, carve out some time for her. If she wants to pick a different day that week to make dinner, set the timeline in advance. But you have to do some expectation setting here, you can't just sign for all her deliveries and say nothing to her announcements about how much she's looking forward to cooking all week and then just fume about it when it happens.

[Anonymous]

That would annoy me if I didn’t like my MIL. I’d just have some wine around and let her do all the work. She might expect you to clean because she’s cooking but I’d probably just do that since I didn’t have to cook (and I don’t like to cook).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That would annoy me if I didn’t like my MIL. I’d just have some wine around and let her do all the work. She might expect you to clean because she’s cooking but I’d probably just do that since I didn’t have to cook (and I don’t like to cook).

But this is an epic mess. I am talking things that take many many steps.

[Anonymous]

One more tip: if she makes piles of stuff on the counters, have a place to PUT all that stuff. Clear a section of your pantry now, so you can put all that stuff away and keep your stress level low. Then just say "oh your stuff is in the pantry" without going bananas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That would annoy me if I didn’t like my MIL. I’d just have some wine around and let her do all the work. She might expect you to clean because she’s cooking but I’d probably just do that since I didn’t have to cook (and I don’t like to cook).

But this is an epic mess. I am talking things that take many many steps.

Totally put it on DH. "Honey, it's our brand new kitchen and I'm not spending the week cleaning up after your mom. Dish duty is on you." He can do it without complaining or call mom and say "hold tight. We are super excited to host and cook our first big holiday meal in our new house. Would love some help but we have it covered"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell her that you need the kitchen because you're preparing Thanksgiving. If she wants to make a pie or something on Wednesday, carve out some time for her. If she wants to pick a different day that week to make dinner, set the timeline in advance. But you have to do some expectation setting here, you can't just sign for all her deliveries and say nothing to her announcements about how much she's looking forward to cooking all week and then just fume about it when it happens.

Agreed. You need to deal with this now. Or DH is in charge of resetting the kitchen to its prior state by Weds night for you to cook on Tgiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell her that you need the kitchen because you're preparing Thanksgiving. If she wants to make a pie or something on Wednesday, carve out some time for her. If she wants to pick a different day that week to make dinner, set the timeline in advance. But you have to do some expectation setting here, you can't just sign for all her deliveries and say nothing to her announcements about how much she's looking forward to cooking all week and then just fume about it when it happens.

This. Make up a schedule of when you need the kitchen and when she gets to enjoy your kitchen. Discuss this with her before she arrives. Let her know before she gets here that she’s not going to just take over. In your shoes I’d let her know you have something special planned for their first dinner of their visit, just to put a flag in the ground. Explain to your DH that he needs to clean up or get her to clean up.

She sounds annoying if she’s talking about breaking in YOUR kitchen. What else is going on in your relationship with her? Can you use her visit to go catch up with friends in the evening or do some self-care, or just go to a movie alone and tell them you’re meeting a friend? You could also do some evening holiday shopping while they’re visiting.

[Anonymous]

"Oh, I think you misunderstood. Dan and I are hosting Thanksgiving so we'll be doing all the cooking. We just want you to relax and enjoy the meal. If you really want to bring something, a bottle of wine or some flowers would be great, but don't feel obligated."

And then when she tries to "break in your kitchen" you say "Carol, why are you ignoring what I said in the email/text/call on November 15th? Dan and I are hosting and we're handling everything kitchen related. I don't want other people cooking in my kitchen. Please feel free to mingle and chat with everyone."

[Anonymous]

This is very dependent on the individual people involved - I don't think it's always rude on its face. Personally, I hate to cook and so when my MIL comes for one of her extended visits I am only too happy to cede the kitchen entirely to her and let her make all the decisions about what to have for dinner. But, we get along otherwise and have a cordial, polite relationship. Is there a chance she thinks she's saving you work? Or does she know how much you love to cook and is doing this as some kind of weird power play?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell her that you need the kitchen because you're preparing Thanksgiving. If she wants to make a pie or something on Wednesday, carve out some time for her. If she wants to pick a different day that week to make dinner, set the timeline in advance. But you have to do some expectation setting here, you can't just sign for all her deliveries and say nothing to her announcements about how much she's looking forward to cooking all week and then just fume about it when it happens.

This. Make up a schedule of when you need the kitchen and when she gets to enjoy your kitchen. Discuss this with her before she arrives. Let her know before she gets here that she’s not going to just take over. In your shoes I’d let her know you have something special planned for their first dinner of their visit, just to put a flag in the ground. Explain to your DH that he needs to clean up or get her to clean up.

She sounds annoying if she’s talking about breaking in YOUR kitchen. What else is going on in your relationship with her? Can you use her visit to go catch up with friends in the evening or do some self-care, or just go to a movie alone and tell them you’re meeting a friend? You could also do some evening holiday shopping while they’re visiting.

She is territorial and entitled. She also will ask, nonstop, and over and over, where things are while she makes the complicated meal, how to use every appliance, and about the oven temp., etc., etc., etc. As for the counters she likes to "have her things out as it is more efficient." Bah.

[Anonymous]

"We look forward to hosting you and making you some delicious meals in our new home! The kitchen in all yours on 'x day' for you to break it in."

Your husband gets clean up duty on x day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Oh, I think you misunderstood. Dan and I are hosting Thanksgiving so we'll be doing all the cooking. We just want you to relax and enjoy the meal. If you really want to bring something, a bottle of wine or some flowers would be great, but don't feel obligated."

And then when she tries to "break in your kitchen" you say "Carol, why are you ignoring what I said in the email/text/call on November 15th? Dan and I are hosting and we're handling everything kitchen related. I don't want other people cooking in my kitchen. Please feel free to mingle and chat with everyone."

I think the MIL is letting OP handle cooking on Thanksgiving, but wants to cook on the other days.

OP, I get it bc it makes me nuts when people make a mess of my kitchen, but I think you just have to let her have her fun and stay away (i.e., in another room with a glass of wine).

Let your husband know that he is in charge of cleaning up after your MIL bc it's too stressful for you to deal with her, and that the kitchen and dishes need to be clean and ready to go first think Thursday morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That would annoy me if I didn’t like my MIL. I’d just have some wine around and let her do all the work. She might expect you to clean because she’s cooking but I’d probably just do that since I didn’t have to cook (and I don’t like to cook).

But this is an epic mess. I am talking things that take many many steps.

Your husband needs to clean up after her.

And he needs to set expectations that you need the kitchen to get ready for thanksgiving.