What stops you from speaking up?

[Anonymous]

I’m not talking about big drama or yelling/tears/recriminations, but just basic setting boundaries and opening one’s mouth to say “that doesn’t work for me” or what have you.

Genuinely curious: What stops you from speaking up?

My mom, sister and aunt are all railroader types, but their disappointment or pouting, etc., is simply not my problem. When they act up and act out, I just shrug and go about doing what I need to do. If they don’t call for a while, OK. If we aren’t as close as a result, OK—I’ve got plenty of friends and family members who treat me with respect and kindness, so I don’t need to kowtow to the “Big Personalities” in my family.

Has DCUM advice ever helped you to stand up for yourself?

[Anonymous]

In my family, it was just not okay to speak up. "Good" children were quiet and listened to their parents, didn't complain, followed the rules without question, etc. And my other parent kowtowed to the difficult parent to "go along to get along." So basically, the idea that my needs and feelings didn't matter was very much normalized - it never occurred to me that it would be okay to set boundaries. Couple that with the fact that we were all expected to take care of the difficult parent's feelings, that meant that we weren't suppose to do anything to upset this parent, to include stating what we needed. If we did anyway, we were stereotyped as the "bad child" that the entire family was mad at (because we set off the difficult parent, who then acted out making everybody's life difficult.)

It took a long time for me to let go of the idea of being close to my family. Now, I'm learning what "normal" boundary setting is, which is hard when I need to erase what I was trained for so many years to do (or in this case, not do). I'm really envious of people who can do this with ease.

[Anonymous]

Because it never works in my family. No one cares what I think or say. The best thing I did was distance.

[Anonymous]

I’m a people pleaser so speaking up and setting boundaries is really hard and feels almost risqué. When I try it often comes out as combative or oddly blurted out. I really admire the people who do it well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because it never works in my family. No one cares what I think or say. The best thing I did was distance.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a people pleaser so speaking up and setting boundaries is really hard and feels almost risqué. When I try it often comes out as combative or oddly blurted out. I really admire the people who do it well.

Me too! I actually started this past year and it was terrifying.

[Anonymous]

I'm afraid of confrontation and being perceived as "selfish." I'm also afraid that if I ask for what I want, I'll be so nervous or awkward about it that it'll come across as aggressive or passive aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my family, it was just not okay to speak up. "Good" children were quiet and listened to their parents, didn't complain, followed the rules without question, etc. And my other parent kowtowed to the difficult parent to "go along to get along." So basically, the idea that my needs and feelings didn't matter was very much normalized - it never occurred to me that it would be okay to set boundaries. Couple that with the fact that we were all expected to take care of the difficult parent's feelings, that meant that we weren't suppose to do anything to upset this parent, to include stating what we needed. If we did anyway, we were stereotyped as the "bad child" that the entire family was mad at (because we set off the difficult parent, who then acted out making everybody's life difficult.)

It took a long time for me to let go of the idea of being close to my family. Now, I'm learning what "normal" boundary setting is, which is hard when I need to erase what I was trained for so many years to do (or in this case, not do). I'm really envious of people who can do this with ease.

+1000

My mother's lifelong case of narcissistic personality disorder stops me. If Carol Brady and Heath Ledger's Joker had a baby, it would be my mother. Would anyone here feel comfortable setting limits and being assertive with that weird, unpredictable mix? None of the Bradys set limits with Carol--if they had, she would have pretended not to hear them because she was too busy performing. Set limits with The Joker? Nope, bad idea. Best to keep my distance!

[Anonymous]

I did speak up, but it just caused trouble, changed nothing, and made my relationship with DH more difficult. I’d had kids by the time I realized what was up with the in-laws and saw that they cut off oldest BIL and their young grandkids. DH has no interest in being close with his brothers and sees his parents mostly without the rest of us. Two of my kids are adults now and see their grandparents on their own. I went to low-contact mode and gave up the hope that our family would be genuine and close. I’m an only child and had hoped my kids would be close to their cousins, but it didn’t work out that way.

[Anonymous]

For a long time I didn't set boundaries in this way because I didn't understand I was allowed to. I definitely got railroaded by family members simply because I'd been raised to believe that's how our relationship worked and that it was my job to accept it.

Then I moved far away and figured out what was going on and for a time I relied on distance in lieu of better boundaries because it was easier.

Then I had a baby and that made it necessary to set boundaries again, more intentionally. I still rely on distance often to set them because it's non-confrontational. But I will also finally just tell someone that something doesn't work for me when I need to. But it took me a long time to get there and I still struggle with it. It's much easier for me to set boundaries with people outside my family of origin. But that early training is hard to overcome.

I will say that with my mom and sister, sometimes the best way to set a boundary is simply not to speak up. They both frequently try to engage me in family drama because they are trying to pull me onto "their side" or whatever. I sometimes just do not respond to emails or texts from them in these cases. I could respond with something like "I would like to stay out of it." But even that winds up being provocative. Sometimes the best way for me to set a boundary is simply to say nothing. "Grey rock" I guess, but in a selective way.

[Anonymous]

I’d be curious to do the reverse of this post - has a family member ever spoken up to you to assert boundaries, and did you change course as a result! Unfortunately given these responses, sounds like a lot of posters would say nope.

[Anonymous]

I see this with my son, actually. He has a gentle personality and has Aspie tendencies that lead him to obey rules and do what he's told when he thinks they're "rules". As a result, he doesn't fight back enough. With me (even though I do my best not to abuse my authority), with his father, with his sister, with everyone. He was bullied in elementary school. I hope he will progress and not be the victim of an illegal or abusive situation as an adult.

[Anonymous]

I speak up all the time but it doesn’t help. I’m always in the wrong with my family.

[Anonymous]

I only speak up when it matters. Most of the time the issue will not matter in a week, month, year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not talking about big drama or yelling/tears/recriminations, but just basic setting boundaries and opening one’s mouth to say “that doesn’t work for me” or what have you.

Genuinely curious: What stops you from speaking up?

My mom, sister and aunt are all railroader types, but their disappointment or pouting, etc., is simply not my problem. When they act up and act out, I just shrug and go about doing what I need to do. If they don’t call for a while, OK. If we aren’t as close as a result, OK—I’ve got plenty of friends and family members who treat me with respect and kindness, so I don’t need to kowtow to the “Big Personalities” in my family.

Has DCUM advice ever helped you to stand up for yourself?

It’s less energy and pain to just avoid certain family members or situations. I did not go to my cousin’s DD’s baby shower in person, but just sent a gift. It was a lot more pleasant for me than any possible outcome of attending.