What stops you from speaking up?

[Anonymous]

I was raised by a domineering mother who could do no wrong. My dad was more laid back, but still authoritarian when it came to parenting. They backed each other up no matter what. Speaking up was useless. Example, even as an adult, my mom thought nothing of barging into a bathroom when she knew I was using it. I've spoken up many times about privacy, but she always dismissed it out of hand.

For people who don't give a f*ck, there's not much you can do except distancing yourself from them.

[Anonymous]

Since you're talking about basic boundary setting, I think what stops a lot of people from speaking up is that we grew up with something a certain way and thought that's just how it is. Then you grow up and realize it doesn't have to be that way. But it's awkward to speak up when it's something that's been going on forever, or slowly evolves past a breaking point.

DCUM made me realize I can visit and stay somewhere else ("I DCUM'd my family" is me). The problem snuck up on me as my generation started having kids and the family grew. Dynamics change, necessities change, and the older generation wants it to be the way it always was. So do I, on some level. But the growing families mean that that house just doesn't work for us anymore. It's been a tight squeeze for a while, but I didn't want to ruffle feathers. I finally spoke up because pandemic life has pushed me to my breaking point and I realized I needed to take care of my own needs, so I spoke up.

[Anonymous]

This is all extremely circumstance specific.

In my view, a lot of what people describe here as "setting boundaries" is actually an attempt to control other people. Or, pushback against somebody else who thinks they have set their own "boundary." In other instances, people seem to take the view that they should/would NEVER do anything that they don't intrinsically want to do on their own, even if it is to help someone else or make someone else happy.

There is a middle ground. And it is to balance the impact on you v. the impact on the other person (assuming you care about them.)

So yeah, I'll go to the stupid play my mom wants to see that I don't. I'll do that carpool run I don't want to do. I'll let it slide when my DH leaves a glass on the counter or a towel on the floor. I'll even stay silent and move the conversation along when my MIL comments on the fact that I am eating food. I WILL decline an invite to a random party and I WILL say something when someone directly insults me or my kids.

We can't control the world and we can't control others. I am happier when I reduce conflict and spare feelings. And I am confident and balanced enough to not let everything affect me.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it's interesting that in your version of the story, you're the only one who is normal and all three of the relatives you speak of are a cetain bad "type."

I wonder if they would describe you as selfish and not caring about family, which might be true. Some people care way more about being part of the group than others do. It sounds like you don't care that much about being part of the group, which is fine.

Other people really value family as a group unit. And group units usually require leadership. You can call it railroading, and there is totally sometimes an outrageously bossy person who makes everyone miserable. But usually it's just a woman trying to hold the group together and making decisions and trying to get people on board.

[Anonymous]

Not much, we are all loud. I am working on listening more,

[Anonymous]

My husband has struggled with boundaries with his mom since I've known him. The past year he has finally started setting more and more boundaries without me having to encourage him and support him to do so. Our relationship with them has improved greatly because of this it's like everyone finally knows their own role instead of trying to jockey for position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm afraid of confrontation and being perceived as "selfish." I'm also afraid that if I ask for what I want, I'll be so nervous or awkward about it that it'll come across as aggressive or passive aggressive.

This. Plus fear of guilt. It’s easier for me to just comply than to feel guilty for who-knows-how-long for being disagreeable. Guilt is how we make things happen in my family.