Scowling SIL
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
DH’s brother’s wife in an introvert. She does not enjoy being around people and has made that clear. BIL loves to be around company.
We host a lot of social events for our friends (all couples) at our home. We usually extend an invitation to BIL and SIL since they are similar in age and love nearby. BIL gets along well with all other guests. SIL usually is quiet and has a scowl on her face. All of our friends are warm, talkative, interesting and happy to engage in conversations but SIL won’t bite. Recently, we hosted game night during a popular football game with friends and asked BIL if they would like to join. They accepted. I watched as three other ladies tried to engage SIL in a conversation. No dice. Within 30 minutes of the party, SIL opened up a book, sat on the couch and read for the remainder of the party, only you get up when dinner was ready to be served. The entire situation was odd. We didn’t force her to come. We specifically stated that BIL can join alone. This has been a repeating pattern. We plan an event and extend the invite. We never apply any pressure and leave it open ended for one or both to attend as they see fit. She comes, wears a scowl to most events and sits in the corner looking like it’s the last place she wants to be. During this last game night, I noticed everyone was confused - There were limited seats on the couch and the only person not watching the game was sprawled on it reading a book! It was incredibly awkward and DH and I weren’t sure if we should say something. My question - should we keep inviting them? She never says “No, I’ll pass and you all should have fun.” She always tags along and acts like it’s the last place she wants to be. |
Anonymous
|
This just...isn't something you need to focus on. She is who she is, she does what she does. If you don't want her there and/or don't like her, don't invite her. Pretty simple.
If you're this focused on someone else and can't help yourself but focus on her, don't invite them. She may be giving her best/all she's capable of. She may be doing so for her husband. If that isn't good enough for you, don't invite them. Why are you focused on her? You should be chatting with people who want to chat, engaging with people who want to engage, and make sure the drinks and food are replenished, etc. Surely you have something better to do with your time and energy than focus and ruminate on her. |
Anonymous
Np If someone is sprawled on the couch where others want to sit how exactly is the op supposed to ignore that? |
Anonymous
Well, apparently she...did. That's literally what she did, so ask her! 
If you need or want her to move, use your words: "Hey Cara, since we're going to play a game around here, could you please read in the study, or the sunroom? Thank you!" |
Anonymous
|
1. Her face at rest is not under her control, OP. Don't criticize her scowl.
2. She does you no harm whatsoever reading a book while sitting next to people having a conversation. She must enjoy being around people but not actively engaging. My husband is like this. He doesn't scowl, because he has the most delightful smiling face at rest (again, not under his control), but inside, he prefers to just sit and listen, or sit and read something while vaguely keeping track of the conversation. I don't know why this bothers you so much. Let it go. |
Anonymous
|
You're repeat-inviting someone you *know* you don't like and whose attitude you don't appreciate to your home...and then you're complaining that she is once again behaving like she always does, and that you can fully predict she will again?
And what is it you expect to change and control? (Psst...that can only be you, not her.) |
Anonymous
|
Just ask her to move so other guests can watch the game. Like: hey Larla, we have some more comfortable chairs back here away from the game if you want a quieter place to read.
I mean, she's not hurting anyone. Just leave her alone and let.her do what she wants, but redirect if she's taking up valuable real estate. |
Anonymous
| Girlfriend has RBF. She really can’t control that. As to reading, that’s just her thing. It’s odd, yes. But she might enjoy being among everybody but still to herself. It’s weird but Meh. |
Anonymous
| It's lovely that people try to engage her, but that's just not her. She is introverted. She wants to read her book and isn't into the game. Maybe it's a bit tone-deaf to take up space that should have been reserved for the game watchers. But, otherwise, what harm is she causing? She doesn't want to sit home by herself. Or ,her husband asks her to come. Or, she comes because you invite her. I say just let it be. |
Anonymous
|
The scowl is a stupid thing to focus on, but reading at a social gathering is rude. What does your DH think? What’s his relationship to his brother? If DH and BIL are close, it makes sense for your husband to mention this to his brother, see what’s up. Just casually. “It seemed like Larla didn’t have a great time at the party the other day - everything okay?” And see what he says.
If they’re not close I’d probably invite them less. Not never, but less. |
Anonymous
|
I'd invite them less, especially to game nights. BIL does not have to be at every event you host.
|
Anonymous
|
Why would you invite her to something like a game night, which actually does typically involve some degree of participation?
Just invite her to stuff where it's NBD if she sits and read a book, like family pizza night. |
Anonymous
I assume OP wants to be a good host and is trying to engage her. I wouldn’t be be able to relax if I had a guest at my party that was clearly not enjoying herself. OP isn’t overly focused on it.it’s super weird. Who reads at a party? I would see if Dh can talk to his brother privately and figure out what’s up. Is either stop inviting them, or just invite the brother. |
Anonymous
| This reminds me of a Gilmore girls episode where Rory is at a college party, she enjoys being there, but she pulls out a book to read! |
Anonymous
|
There probably aren’t many places she would rather not be more than your house at that time, but it may not be her fault. Your BIL is probably one of those lost puppy people who won’t go to couples events alone, so drags his wife.
If he’s lots of fun, but she has her own thing going on, great! It’s a known quantity, and you can stop wondering about it. Be direct with her. She’s being direct with you. “Larla, you look comfortable with your book, but some guests would like to watch the game. Would you mind sitting in the chaise, or in the solarium?” You may find, like a cat, she may come around and be warmer if you afford her space and time. |