Scowling SIL

[Anonymous]

I want to note here that scowling and uncommunicative men are given a pass more often than scowling and uncommunicative women, who are expected to always smile and engage in polite conversation. With men, it's more usual to excuse them saying "their wives dragged them to the event", or "they're tired from work", or "they might have Asperger's but are actually brilliant at what they do, just don't expect small talk".

Why can't we extend that same tolerance to women, eh?

Have some respect for your SIL, OP.

[Anonymous]

My sister used to snatch books away from me if she and our mom were doing something together (as adults). But I never took over the entire couch. I do have better social skills now though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to note here that scowling and uncommunicative men are given a pass more often than scowling and uncommunicative women, who are expected to always smile and engage in polite conversation. With men, it's more usual to excuse them saying "their wives dragged them to the event", or "they're tired from work", or "they might have Asperger's but are actually brilliant at what they do, just don't expect small talk".

Why can't we extend that same tolerance to women, eh?

Have some respect for your SIL, OP.

Nope, man or woman - rude behavior like this is rude behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to note here that scowling and uncommunicative men are given a pass more often than scowling and uncommunicative women, who are expected to always smile and engage in polite conversation. With men, it's more usual to excuse them saying "their wives dragged them to the event", or "they're tired from work", or "they might have Asperger's but are actually brilliant at what they do, just don't expect small talk".

Why can't we extend that same tolerance to women, eh?

Have some respect for your SIL, OP.

Nope, man or woman - rude behavior like this is rude behavior.

Not at all. She comes, she reads, she takes up too much space on the couch. Is that it? Then someone can tell her to move up a little, and leave her reading happily until dinner. Whatever happened to guests feeling welcome in your home? Do you invite them only to perform? Is this transactional for you?

I find all your criticism rather disgusting. If this was a random acquaintance, you might not want to invite her again, sure. But a sister-in-law? Let her read, for goodness' sakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you invite her to something like a game night, which actually does typically involve some degree of participation?

Just invite her to stuff where it's NBD if she sits and read a book, like family pizza night.

Well, it’s kind of rude to not invite the spouse in front of them. Isn’t this forum all up people’s butts of spouses are not included?

My convo with her and BIL went like this: “Hey, we’re have a couple of friends over to watch X game on Sunday. You guys are welcome to join if you want. Or if BIL wants to join and you want some alone time, that’s cool too. We’ll see you next week at Aunti Coco’s birthday for sure.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to note here that scowling and uncommunicative men are given a pass more often than scowling and uncommunicative women, who are expected to always smile and engage in polite conversation. With men, it's more usual to excuse them saying "their wives dragged them to the event", or "they're tired from work", or "they might have Asperger's but are actually brilliant at what they do, just don't expect small talk".

Why can't we extend that same tolerance to women, eh?

Have some respect for your SIL, OP.

Nope, man or woman - rude behavior like this is rude behavior.

Go to the special needs forum and ask parents with kids who have Asberger’s, autism, and other challenges just how often their kids are accused of being “rude” when actually they just…have special needs, and are doing there best.

We have a social group at the University of Maryland to have students on the autism spectrum pair up with peers who coach them about social situations. There are hundreds of thousands of adults living with Asberger’s, autism, ADHD, etc., who are labeled by ignorant people like you as “rude” and “weird” and “scowling” who are just doing their damn best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:why didnt' the people who wanted to sit on the couch ask her to move? "Excuse me, room for me on this couch? I want to watch the game." She's 1 person - she can take up one seat. She can't lay across three seats on the couch.

I would never ask someone’s family member to move off the couch in their house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to note here that scowling and uncommunicative men are given a pass more often than scowling and uncommunicative women, who are expected to always smile and engage in polite conversation. With men, it's more usual to excuse them saying "their wives dragged them to the event", or "they're tired from work", or "they might have Asperger's but are actually brilliant at what they do, just don't expect small talk".

Why can't we extend that same tolerance to women, eh?

Have some respect for your SIL, OP.

Nope, man or woman - rude behavior like this is rude behavior.

Go to the special needs forum and ask parents with kids who have Asberger’s, autism, and other challenges just how often their kids are accused of being “rude” when actually they just…have special needs, and are doing there best.

We have a social group at the University of Maryland to have students on the autism spectrum pair up with peers who coach them about social situations. There are hundreds of thousands of adults living with Asberger’s, autism, ADHD, etc., who are labeled by ignorant people like you as “rude” and “weird” and “scowling” who are just doing their damn best.

Why are you making this about a social disorder? She doesn’t have one. Stop lumping rudeness with social disorders. You are disrespectful to people who have special needs/disorders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to note here that scowling and uncommunicative men are given a pass more often than scowling and uncommunicative women, who are expected to always smile and engage in polite conversation. With men, it's more usual to excuse them saying "their wives dragged them to the event", or "they're tired from work", or "they might have Asperger's but are actually brilliant at what they do, just don't expect small talk".

Why can't we extend that same tolerance to women, eh?

Have some respect for your SIL, OP.

Nope, man or woman - rude behavior like this is rude behavior.

Go to the special needs forum and ask parents with kids who have Asberger’s, autism, and other challenges just how often their kids are accused of being “rude” when actually they just…have special needs, and are doing there best.

We have a social group at the University of Maryland to have students on the autism spectrum pair up with peers who coach them about social situations. There are hundreds of thousands of adults living with Asberger’s, autism, ADHD, etc., who are labeled by ignorant people like you as “rude” and “weird” and “scowling” who are just doing their damn best.

Why are you making this about a social disorder? She doesn’t have one. Stop lumping rudeness with social disorders. You are disrespectful to people who have special needs/disorders.

How do you know?

“WOW SHE’S SO WEIRD CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW ODD, HUH WEIRD WOW.”

Maybe if something seems off, something IS OFF, do you get it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to note here that scowling and uncommunicative men are given a pass more often than scowling and uncommunicative women, who are expected to always smile and engage in polite conversation. With men, it's more usual to excuse them saying "their wives dragged them to the event", or "they're tired from work", or "they might have Asperger's but are actually brilliant at what they do, just don't expect small talk".

Why can't we extend that same tolerance to women, eh?

Have some respect for your SIL, OP.

Nope, man or woman - rude behavior like this is rude behavior.

Go to the special needs forum and ask parents with kids who have Asberger’s, autism, and other challenges just how often their kids are accused of being “rude” when actually they just…have special needs, and are doing there best.

We have a social group at the University of Maryland to have students on the autism spectrum pair up with peers who coach them about social situations. There are hundreds of thousands of adults living with Asberger’s, autism, ADHD, etc., who are labeled by ignorant people like you as “rude” and “weird” and “scowling” who are just doing their damn best.

Why are you making this about a social disorder? She doesn’t have one. Stop lumping rudeness with social disorders. You are disrespectful to people who have special needs/disorders.

How do you know?

“WOW SHE’S SO WEIRD CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW ODD, HUH WEIRD WOW.”

Maybe if something seems off, something IS OFF, do you get it?

Not everything is a disorder. Do you get it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to note here that scowling and uncommunicative men are given a pass more often than scowling and uncommunicative women, who are expected to always smile and engage in polite conversation. With men, it's more usual to excuse them saying "their wives dragged them to the event", or "they're tired from work", or "they might have Asperger's but are actually brilliant at what they do, just don't expect small talk".

Why can't we extend that same tolerance to women, eh?

Have some respect for your SIL, OP.

Nope, man or woman - rude behavior like this is rude behavior.

Go to the special needs forum and ask parents with kids who have Asberger’s, autism, and other challenges just how often their kids are accused of being “rude” when actually they just…have special needs, and are doing there best.

We have a social group at the University of Maryland to have students on the autism spectrum pair up with peers who coach them about social situations. There are hundreds of thousands of adults living with Asberger’s, autism, ADHD, etc., who are labeled by ignorant people like you as “rude” and “weird” and “scowling” who are just doing their damn best.

Why are you making this about a social disorder? She doesn’t have one. Stop lumping rudeness with social disorders. You are disrespectful to people who have special needs/disorders.

As a parent, spouse and aunt of individuals with Asperger's, I agree with the poster above you. When someone behaves like this, you need to assume it's a socio-communication disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to note here that scowling and uncommunicative men are given a pass more often than scowling and uncommunicative women, who are expected to always smile and engage in polite conversation. With men, it's more usual to excuse them saying "their wives dragged them to the event", or "they're tired from work", or "they might have Asperger's but are actually brilliant at what they do, just don't expect small talk".

Why can't we extend that same tolerance to women, eh?

Have some respect for your SIL, OP.

Nope, man or woman - rude behavior like this is rude behavior.

Go to the special needs forum and ask parents with kids who have Asberger’s, autism, and other challenges just how often their kids are accused of being “rude” when actually they just…have special needs, and are doing there best.

We have a social group at the University of Maryland to have students on the autism spectrum pair up with peers who coach them about social situations. There are hundreds of thousands of adults living with Asberger’s, autism, ADHD, etc., who are labeled by ignorant people like you as “rude” and “weird” and “scowling” who are just doing their damn best.

Why are you making this about a social disorder? She doesn’t have one. Stop lumping rudeness with social disorders. You are disrespectful to people who have special needs/disorders.

How do you know?

“WOW SHE’S SO WEIRD CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW ODD, HUH WEIRD WOW.”

Maybe if something seems off, something IS OFF, do you get it?

Not everything is a disorder. Do you get it?

Actually, most of the time they are related to a disorder. Many people have subclinical manifestations of diagnosable disorders, because most mental health disorders exist on a spectrum. The cut-off is arbitrary. So if you aren't dysfunctional enough to be diagnosed - or, in some cases, you are old enough to have grown up when mental health was taboo and getting an adult diagnosis seems to much of a hassle when you've learned to manage life well enough - you can have clear symptoms but lack a formal label. MANY adults are walking about with symptoms of anxiety, depression, ADHD and Asperger's. They are very, very common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to note here that scowling and uncommunicative men are given a pass more often than scowling and uncommunicative women, who are expected to always smile and engage in polite conversation. With men, it's more usual to excuse them saying "their wives dragged them to the event", or "they're tired from work", or "they might have Asperger's but are actually brilliant at what they do, just don't expect small talk".

Why can't we extend that same tolerance to women, eh?

Have some respect for your SIL, OP.

Nope, man or woman - rude behavior like this is rude behavior.

Go to the special needs forum and ask parents with kids who have Asberger’s, autism, and other challenges just how often their kids are accused of being “rude” when actually they just…have special needs, and are doing there best.

We have a social group at the University of Maryland to have students on the autism spectrum pair up with peers who coach them about social situations. There are hundreds of thousands of adults living with Asberger’s, autism, ADHD, etc., who are labeled by ignorant people like you as “rude” and “weird” and “scowling” who are just doing their damn best.

Why are you making this about a social disorder? She doesn’t have one. Stop lumping rudeness with social disorders. You are disrespectful to people who have special needs/disorders.

How do you know?

“WOW SHE’S SO WEIRD CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW ODD, HUH WEIRD WOW.”

Maybe if something seems off, something IS OFF, do you get it?

Not everything is a disorder. Do you get it?

Oh, she’s so weird and awful and rude and different. Hmm, however should we treat her? Oh I know! Let’s invite her again and again, just so we can be irritated by the behavior we know she will display. Then we can gossip about her on the internet! Because that is productive and we are just wonderful people. She’s so ODD and RUDE and WEIRD. Gosh, it feels good to be morally superior to her. This mean gladness at her weirdness is so satisfying…what does it remind me of? Oh yes, those glorious days of middle school.

You’re awful.

[Anonymous]

OP, how is SIL when you socialize with her one on one?

I would keep inviting them and maybe try what one of the other posters suggested and offer her a seat not on the couch during game night. She could be enjoying herself and you don't even realize it. Not everyone wants to talk a lot, and if she is a person who struggles in large social groups, you don't want to make it worse for her. Just let her be, she's not hurting anyone.

[Anonymous]

How long have you known her?

My sister's husband is an introvert and it has taken YEARS for him to relax at family gatherings. It used to annoy me, because he would come and was present, but just be completely silent. However now I've gotten used to his rhythms and they don't bother me as much. It's been over 10 years though. He is much more likely to chime in at the table if there are less than 6 people there. Any more than that, he's pretty quiet. He's very funny though, so when he does have something to say, it's usually worth waiting for.

The main thing I've learned though is to keep chit chat light, and let him drift around as needed. Sometimes he hides in the basement scrolling twitter, sometimes he skips the gathering, sometimes he's more engaged. That's helped him relax little by little so that our family gatherings aren't so draining for him.

The main difference though is that he is always neutral to positive. No scowling. And he is never rude if someone is trying to talk to him. It could be your BIL is pressuring her to come.

Give it time, give her space, and don't force a connection. It may not be there. That's ok, you aren't married to her.