Scowling SIL

[Anonymous]

Back to the party, was this a game night to play board games or a game night to watch a football game on TV? If it is a game night to watch football and everyone is sitting around watching TV together I don't see anything wrong with someone sitting around but reading a book instead. Sure it isn't the most social thing, but I don't see anything wrong with it.

[Anonymous]

OP here responding to last two posters. I’ve known her for 15 years. One-on-one, she’s a bit of a curmudgeon but not rude. We do talk on the phone once every two-three weeks or so with pleasantries. Sometimes she initiates the call and sometimes I do. Never had a fight. It’s not like we have an antagonistic relationship.


I’ve been around quiet people all of the time. But the I-would rather-be-here-than-anywhere face gets old when it appears over and over. A couple of times she has even mentioned with a sigh how “stressful” her weekend will be because of a dinner me and DH are hosting EACH TIME, I’ve taking the cue and given her an out, stressed that we won’t be offended if she sits this one out. Each time, she comes and can’t muster a single smile or provide any sign that she wants to be there. (FYI-it’s the same attitude when we get invited to their place. Then it’s the I-am-so-tired-and-can’t-wait-to-see-you-leave face. Even my DH who can be quite dense when it comes to these things noticed it.)

We just suck it up but wondering if there is another alternative besides explicitly telling her not to come (which sounds rude to me since she is married to BIL) or not inviting either of them. I’m thinking telling her how she comes across night not be my place (though we’re friendly, we’re not BFFS.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here responding to last two posters. I’ve known her for 15 years. One-on-one, she’s a bit of a curmudgeon but not rude. We do talk on the phone once every two-three weeks or so with pleasantries. Sometimes she initiates the call and sometimes I do. Never had a fight. It’s not like we have an antagonistic relationship.


I’ve been around quiet people all of the time. But the I-would rather-be-here-than-anywhere face gets old when it appears over and over. A couple of times she has even mentioned with a sigh how “stressful” her weekend will be because of a dinner me and DH are hosting EACH TIME, I’ve taking the cue and given her an out, stressed that we won’t be offended if she sits this one out. Each time, she comes and can’t muster a single smile or provide any sign that she wants to be there. (FYI-it’s the same attitude when we get invited to their place. Then it’s the I-am-so-tired-and-can’t-wait-to-see-you-leave face. Even my DH who can be quite dense when it comes to these things noticed it.)

We just suck it up but wondering if there is another alternative besides explicitly telling her not to come (which sounds rude to me since she is married to BIL) or not inviting either of them. I’m thinking telling her how she comes across night not be my place (though we’re friendly, we’re not BFFS.)

In this case don't invite them so often, OP (but treat them as a couple, and don't invite one without the other). But I really do think she's getting something out of your invites, even if she expresses herself badly and is always negative. She has to like you if you talk on the phone every 3 weeks!!! I have never talked to my SILs on the phone, ever, in nearly 20 years of marriage. I actually haven't seen either of them in 5 years. My BILs come over by themselves when we visit MIL. And we're not antagonistic either - the SILs just have no interest in meeting us. This is what real not-caring looks like!

[Anonymous]

Where is her husband when she is reading on the couch?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here responding to last two posters. I’ve known her for 15 years. One-on-one, she’s a bit of a curmudgeon but not rude. We do talk on the phone once every two-three weeks or so with pleasantries. Sometimes she initiates the call and sometimes I do. Never had a fight. It’s not like we have an antagonistic relationship.


I’ve been around quiet people all of the time. But the I-would rather-be-here-than-anywhere face gets old when it appears over and over. A couple of times she has even mentioned with a sigh how “stressful” her weekend will be because of a dinner me and DH are hosting EACH TIME, I’ve taking the cue and given her an out, stressed that we won’t be offended if she sits this one out. Each time, she comes and can’t muster a single smile or provide any sign that she wants to be there. (FYI-it’s the same attitude when we get invited to their place. Then it’s the I-am-so-tired-and-can’t-wait-to-see-you-leave face. Even my DH who can be quite dense when it comes to these things noticed it.)

We just suck it up but wondering if there is another alternative besides explicitly telling her not to come (which sounds rude to me since she is married to BIL) or not inviting either of them. I’m thinking telling her how she comes across night not be my place (though we’re friendly, we’re not BFFS.)

THEN STOP INVITING THEM THEN. This is who/how she is. It's not going to change. Stop putting your hand on a stove and then complaining that it is hot. You are not required to host them. So don't so much. Pretty freaking simple.

Yeah, and telling someone "how they come across" is NOT your place. Do you appreciate it that I am telling you now that you come across as a martyr and a moron?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here responding to last two posters. I’ve known her for 15 years. One-on-one, she’s a bit of a curmudgeon but not rude. We do talk on the phone once every two-three weeks or so with pleasantries. Sometimes she initiates the call and sometimes I do. Never had a fight. It’s not like we have an antagonistic relationship.


I’ve been around quiet people all of the time. But the I-would rather-be-here-than-anywhere face gets old when it appears over and over. A couple of times she has even mentioned with a sigh how “stressful” her weekend will be because of a dinner me and DH are hosting EACH TIME, I’ve taking the cue and given her an out, stressed that we won’t be offended if she sits this one out. Each time, she comes and can’t muster a single smile or provide any sign that she wants to be there. (FYI-it’s the same attitude when we get invited to their place. Then it’s the I-am-so-tired-and-can’t-wait-to-see-you-leave face. Even my DH who can be quite dense when it comes to these things noticed it.)

We just suck it up but wondering if there is another alternative besides explicitly telling her not to come (which sounds rude to me since she is married to BIL) or not inviting either of them. I’m thinking telling her how she comes across night not be my place (though we’re friendly, we’re not BFFS.)

THEN STOP INVITING THEM THEN. This is who/how she is. It's not going to change. Stop putting your hand on a stove and then complaining that it is hot. You are not required to host them. So don't so much. Pretty freaking simple.

Yeah, and telling someone "how they come across" is NOT your place. Do you appreciate it that I am telling you now that you come across as a martyr and a moron?

Reading comprehension practice in childhood could have helped you.

[Anonymous]

Invite them over less. My guess is your brother pressures her to attend and she does not want to be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Her face at rest is not under her control, OP. Don't criticize her scowl.

2. She does you no harm whatsoever reading a book while sitting next to people having a conversation. She must enjoy being around people but not actively engaging. My husband is like this. He doesn't scowl, because he has the most delightful smiling face at rest (again, not under his control), but inside, he prefers to just sit and listen, or sit and read something while vaguely keeping track of the conversation.

I don't know why this bothers you so much. Let it go.

This. Also, you are splitting. Your brother is the saint and your SIL can do no right. They are a team. respect that she is different from you and let it go. If you don't want her there, stop inviting them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here responding to last two posters. I’ve known her for 15 years. One-on-one, she’s a bit of a curmudgeon but not rude. We do talk on the phone once every two-three weeks or so with pleasantries. Sometimes she initiates the call and sometimes I do. Never had a fight. It’s not like we have an antagonistic relationship.


I’ve been around quiet people all of the time. But the I-would rather-be-here-than-anywhere face gets old when it appears over and over. A couple of times she has even mentioned with a sigh how “stressful” her weekend will be because of a dinner me and DH are hosting EACH TIME, I’ve taking the cue and given her an out, stressed that we won’t be offended if she sits this one out. Each time, she comes and can’t muster a single smile or provide any sign that she wants to be there. (FYI-it’s the same attitude when we get invited to their place. Then it’s the I-am-so-tired-and-can’t-wait-to-see-you-leave face. Even my DH who can be quite dense when it comes to these things noticed it.)

We just suck it up but wondering if there is another alternative besides explicitly telling her not to come (which sounds rude to me since she is married to BIL) or not inviting either of them. I’m thinking telling her how she comes across night not be my place (though we’re friendly, we’re not BFFS.)

In this case don't invite them so often, OP (but treat them as a couple, and don't invite one without the other). But I really do think she's getting something out of your invites, even if she expresses herself badly and is always negative. She has to like you if you talk on the phone every 3 weeks!!! I have never talked to my SILs on the phone, ever, in nearly 20 years of marriage. I actually haven't seen either of them in 5 years. My BILs come over by themselves when we visit MIL. And we're not antagonistic either - the SILs just have no interest in meeting us. This is what real not-caring looks like!

Agree completely with this. SIL must like you OP. She could have a terrible RBF coupled with anxiety over hosting and participating in larger social settings. Ignore the face. Listen to her words. If she says she wants to come, accept that and don't get yourself all twisted up because her face looks sad to you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it is rude for her to come to a party and then sit there and read a book. That is weird AF behavior for an adult. If she needs something to read or do, she could be on her phone and nobody would bat an eye. Taking out a book, is a much more "aggressive" way to tell people she does not want to be there.

My guess is that your BIL is forcing her to come. I'd have DH mention this to your brother. Tell him that you love to have them over with small groups, but SIL never seems to want to be there for game night, etc. Tell him it is okay for her not to come. You are extending the invitation out of politeness, not because you are expecting her to be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think it is rude for her to come to a party and then sit there and read a book. That is weird AF behavior for an adult. If she needs something to read or do, she could be on her phone and nobody would bat an eye. Taking out a book, is a much more "aggressive" way to tell people she does not want to be there.

My guess is that your BIL is forcing her to come. I'd have DH mention this to your brother. Tell him that you love to have them over with small groups, but SIL never seems to want to be there for game night, etc. Tell him it is okay for her not to come. You are extending the invitation out of politeness, not because you are expecting her to be there.

Yeah but OP says it was a party to watch football on TV. This is a little different.