Obligation to semi-estranged, very ill parent

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was a toddler and I saw my dad maybe once a year when I was young. Rarely talked to him. He made minimal child support payments until I was 18 and essentially was not involved in my childhood at all. He re-emerged when I was in college and helped pay for college and law school. We had a decent relationship through my 20s and early 30s but everything changed once I had kids. Since my kids were born, we have barely seen him. The one time we visited him for an extended period (five years ago) he was unpleasant and made it clear he didn't want us around. Since then, we have seen him maybe once a year, even though he lives 2 1/2 hours away. If I don't call him, we don't talk. He has no relationship with his grandkids. Last year he forgot my birthday; this year he sent me a text.

Ordinarily I would suck up my disappointment and deal with it silently, but now he is gravely ill. He has no one to take care of him and expects me to show up, drive him to surgery, and take care of him afterward. I have broached the idea of him moving closer, maybe into senior living, so that we can be involved in his life, but he doesn't want to make any changes. I absolutely cannot drive back and forth 2 1/2 hours to take care of him on an ongoing basis. I work full time in a demanding job and have two kids. But mostly I am furious that someone who wasn't there for me for years expects this from me -- and then I feel like a terrible person. My mom says I don't owe him anything and to let him figure it out on his own (he is 70 and cognitively fine, so not elderly).

What is my obligation to a semi-estranged parent?

[Anonymous]

P.S. I am also furious because this illness is self-inflicted - end stage COPD from years of smoking. He won't quit.

[Anonymous]

Does he have the financial means to pay for help with driving, care etc? Would you be willing to help him find someone?

[Anonymous]

Your father is the same person he has always been - only interested in you when it suits him and only in the way that best suits his own preferences.

You are not obligated to do anything for him that would completely upend your life. You have offered the help you’re in a position to give and he has rejected it, so that is the end of your obligation.

I would suggest talking to a counselor about this, not because you’re doing anything wrong but because this very understandably is triggering heavy emotions for you, and having a third party to help you work through them may be very helpful for you.

[Anonymous]

It's easy for your mom to say you don't owe him anything. To her he was just a sperm donor. You are going to have a lot of different feelings, since he is your dad.

I think that your asking him to move closer so you could be more involved was generous. If this solution is amenable to you, I would push him again to move closer. I think by conventional definition anyone over the age of 65 is "elderly". My parents are both in their early 70s, and while not suffering from dementia, I have noticed cognitive and personality differences once they hit 70+.

If he doesn't want to move closer, I'd ask him how you can help that doesn't involve driving there. Maybe you can find him a nurse to help out at home? There should be a social worker at the hospital. You could reach out to see what the options are if he has no help at home upon release.

[Anonymous]

Therapy will help you think through all this. You probably don't need a ton of sessions. One or two sessions will likely help you think through your feelings with all of this and how you want to handle it.

[Anonymous]

You gotta tell him no. He's cognitively fine and has the money, so he can get help himself. If he were truly needy and incompetent to care for himself that might be different. But he's not.

[Anonymous]

I do not believe that you have an “obligation”. I drive 3 hours to do things for my parents because we have a mutual loving relationship. Not because I am obligated. Obligation breeds resentment. And you already seem resentful. You can certainly offer suggestions as a previous poster suggested…try setting up this service Dad or what about that service..

Everyone’s relationship is different and relationships are built over time. You all have the relationship that developed as it was fed. Unfortunately for Father, the old adage “you reap what you sow” may come back in a way he doesn’t like. His selfishness and lack of caring resulted in this current relationship. You can do as much or not as your heart moves you. Again, there is no obligation..IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your father is the same person he has always been - only interested in you when it suits him and only in the way that best suits his own preferences.

You are not obligated to do anything for him that would completely upend your life. You have offered the help you’re in a position to give and he has rejected it, so that is the end of your obligation.

I would suggest talking to a counselor about this, not because you’re doing anything wrong but because this very understandably is triggering heavy emotions for you, and having a third party to help you work through them may be very helpful for you.

I agree with this advice.

[Anonymous]

OP I’m sorry to hear about everything that is going on right now, and I’m sorry your dad wasn’t a good father.

I just wanted to offer a little perspective from a different angle. My dad died over the course of a month earlier in the pandemic. I was lucky in one respect that because it was early in the pandemic and people were mostly working from home, I was able to physically be with him.

My dad molested me. We were estranged and I was at peace. But when I found out he was alone and in pain, I thought it was an opportunity for ME to have some closure and to at least be able to ask him questions and hope he’d apologize.

I cared for him until he died. We had some good talks. I cried a lot. He cried too. I understand him a lot better and while I’ll never really be able to understand how a parent molests a child, I do understand that he was traumatized as a child and that helped me to feel some kind of control - he was a link in a chain of people who were molested as children and I’m the last link in the chain. I have been able to live my life with much more freedom than if I hadn’t had the chance to spend time with and hash things out with my dad before he died.

If you can find a way to be there with your dad you might have a chance to work out some issues that you’d otherwise be stuck trying to resolve without him at some point. In doing so, maybe you will find some things about your dad that help you repair or just build for the first time, a loving relationship.

Whatever happens, trust your gut. Don’t let your dad manipulate or bully you, but also don’t let his bullying or manipulation stop you from choosing to help him if that’s what you decide is best.

Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

OP here - Thank you for the kind and caring responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was a toddler and I saw my dad maybe once a year when I was young. Rarely talked to him. He made minimal child support payments until I was 18 and essentially was not involved in my childhood at all. He re-emerged when I was in college and helped pay for college and law school. We had a decent relationship through my 20s and early 30s but everything changed once I had kids. Since my kids were born, we have barely seen him. The one time we visited him for an extended period (five years ago) he was unpleasant and made it clear he didn't want us around. Since then, we have seen him maybe once a year, even though he lives 2 1/2 hours away. If I don't call him, we don't talk. He has no relationship with his grandkids. Last year he forgot my birthday; this year he sent me a text.

Ordinarily I would suck up my disappointment and deal with it silently, but now he is gravely ill. He has no one to take care of him and expects me to show up, drive him to surgery, and take care of him afterward. I have broached the idea of him moving closer, maybe into senior living, so that we can be involved in his life, but he doesn't want to make any changes. I absolutely cannot drive back and forth 2 1/2 hours to take care of him on an ongoing basis. I work full time in a demanding job and have two kids. But mostly I am furious that someone who wasn't there for me for years expects this from me -- and then I feel like a terrible person. My mom says I don't owe him anything and to let him figure it out on his own (he is 70 and cognitively fine, so not elderly).

What is my obligation to a semi-estranged parent?

Of course he expects you to upend your life and cater to him. This is how narcissists operate. I have a narcissist parent who is like this, but was in my life and did pay for things like college in full. If I had your situation I would not throw money at it and I'd get therapy to detach. In my case, I feel some obligation since, even though there was emotional abuse and verbal, my basic needs were met. I throw money at it and visit under my terms with major boundaries. Any difficult behavior and I make an excuse to leave. I will drive the person because of the horrible behavior in the car and I will not pay for a driver, but this parent is rich (and stingy as heck) and can afford one. I will not be abandoning my husband and kids and job to care for the parent when ill, but will visit.

I definitely think you need therapy because you are asking our permission to say no to him. You have every right to, but you need to be at peace. You have no idea who is posting here. There could be some deranged elderly parent who beat her kids, but will insist you are evil if you do not cater to parents. Anyone can post. The answer is inside you, not on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's easy for your mom to say you don't owe him anything. To her he was just a sperm donor. You are going to have a lot of different feelings, since he is your dad.

I think that your asking him to move closer so you could be more involved was generous. If this solution is amenable to you, I would push him again to move closer. I think by conventional definition anyone over the age of 65 is "elderly". My parents are both in their early 70s, and while not suffering from dementia, I have noticed cognitive and personality differences once they hit 70+.

If he doesn't want to move closer, I'd ask him how you can help that doesn't involve driving there. Maybe you can find him a nurse to help out at home? There should be a social worker at the hospital. You could reach out to see what the options are if he has no help at home upon release.

I want to caution you here as someone who lives close to a parent who is challenging. Appreciation can turn to nastiness and taking advantage really quick and boundaries in my case were met with guilt trips and tantrums. I never expected it. Every parent is different. I cannot tell you he will definitely do this. I can tell you if I had it to do over, I would never live so close to this parent who at first seemed appreciative. The abusive behavior my children have witnessed as done damage. While they have watched me implement boundaries and hopefully learned from that, they also watched how poorly boundaries were accepted and I feel like there has been a loss of innocence for them now that they have seen such a dark side of humanity from a grandparent who you expect to be loving.

[Anonymous]

Show up - no. Drive him to surgery - no. Take care of him afterward - no. I have broached the idea of him moving closer - OMG, why would you say this , it almost sounds insincere. How much money does have? Meaning, does he have enough to support himself?? I help him care, if he isn't too resistant to this. You find him a social worker, if he needs that. You being "furious" is unimportant.

[Anonymous]

Dig deep and forgive as much as you are able. I was in a similar situation, I forgave and helped where I could and my sister did not. When a parent is at the end and can no longer influence or inflict any pain on you, there is no reason to hang on to that resentment and anger. You either let it go now and make some peace with your parent or you let it go after they die and it will too late to make peace with them.