Reply to Obligation to semi-estranged, very ill parent

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My parents divorced when I was a toddler and I saw my dad maybe once a year when I was young.  Rarely talked to him.  He made minimal child support payments until I was 18 and essentially was not involved in my childhood at all.  He re-emerged when I was in college and helped pay for college and law school.  We had a decent relationship through my 20s and early 30s but everything changed once I had kids.  Since my kids were born, we have barely seen him.  The one time we visited him for an extended period (five years ago) he was unpleasant and made it clear he didn't want us around.  Since then, we have seen him maybe once a year, even though he lives 2 1/2 hours away.  If I don't call him, we don't talk.  He has no relationship with his grandkids.  Last year he forgot my birthday; this year he sent me a text.

Ordinarily I would suck up my disappointment and deal with it silently, but now he is gravely ill.  He has no one to take care of him and [b]expects me to show up, drive him to surgery, and take care of him afterward.  [/b]I have broached the idea of him moving closer, maybe into senior living, so that we can be involved in his life, but he doesn't want to make any changes.  I absolutely cannot drive back and forth 2 1/2 hours to take care of him on an ongoing basis.  I work full time in a demanding job and have two kids.  But mostly I am furious that someone who wasn't there for me for years expects this from me -- and then I feel like a terrible person.  My mom says I don't owe him anything and to let him figure it out on his own (he is 70 and cognitively fine, so not elderly).

What is my obligation to a semi-estranged parent?[/quote]

Of course he expects you to upend your life and cater to him. This is how narcissists operate. I have a narcissist parent who is like this, but was in my life and did pay for things like college in full. If I had your situation I would not throw money at it and I'd get therapy to detach. In my case, I feel some obligation since, even though there was emotional abuse and verbal, my basic needs were met. I throw money at it and visit under my terms with major boundaries. Any difficult behavior and I make an excuse to leave. I will drive the person because of the horrible behavior in the car and I will not pay for a driver, but this parent is rich (and stingy as heck) and can afford one. I will not be abandoning my husband and kids and job to care for the parent when ill, but will visit.

I definitely think you need therapy because you are asking our permission to say no to him. You have every right to, but you need to be at peace. You have no idea who is posting here. There could be some deranged elderly parent who beat her kids, but will insist you are evil if you do not cater to parents. Anyone can post. The answer is inside you, not on DCUM.[/quote]

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