Obligation to semi-estranged, very ill parent

[Anonymous]

I agree that you should seek counseling to deal w/these feelings that your Father brought upon you by his not wanting to be around for you earlier.

Your feelings toward him are completely understandable. 🤗
In all honesty, you owe your Father nothing at this point.
Do not feel guilty for not being there for him the way he expects you to be.

Sadly your Father made his bed years ago.

[Anonymous]

OP, my father, who was married to my mother and fully present in my childhood, has treated me similarly since my kids were born (my mother had passed away by then). We only speak if I initiate (and he ignores most of my calls), we only visit if I initiate (and he resists most visits), and he never reaches out on my or my kids’ birthdays, holidays etc.

I’d offer to bring him home from the hospital post surgery and stay for a few days, and before I did that I would make sure he has arranged for ongoing care after I leave. I would do this because the idea of any elderly person, who wasn’t abusive to me, coming home alone after a hospital stay is very depressing/sad to me. But I would not commit to ongoing driving back and forth, and I also would encourage moving closer to me and would assist with that (my father would likewise be extremely resistant and would not make the move).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your father is the same person he has always been - only interested in you when it suits him and only in the way that best suits his own preferences.

You are not obligated to do anything for him that would completely upend your life. You have offered the help you’re in a position to give and he has rejected it, so that is the end of your obligation.

I would suggest talking to a counselor about this, not because you’re doing anything wrong but because this very understandably is triggering heavy emotions for you, and having a third party to help you work through them may be very helpful for you.

x 1000! So well said.

[Anonymous]

At this point do regret management. Do the things that will allow you to not have regrets once he dies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At this point do regret management. Do the things that will allow you to not have regrets once he dies.

I like that term. That is the correct approach. Help him only if it makes YOU feel better, OP. Do not help him for him, because he doesn't deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At this point do regret management. Do the things that will allow you to not have regrets once he dies.

I like that term. That is the correct approach. Help him only if it makes YOU feel better, OP. Do not help him for him, because he doesn't deserve it.

I’m PP. Yes, help him if you know once he passes you can look at yourself as kind caring person. You are doing it for yourself, not him. Or don’t do anything because it’s better for you to set boundaries. But don’t help him if after he dies you are kicking yourself for doing it. And being angry you treated him better than he treated you.