Reply to Obligation to semi-estranged, very ill parent

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[quote=Anonymous]OP I’m sorry to hear about everything that is going on right now, and I’m sorry your dad wasn’t a good father.

I just wanted to offer a little perspective from a different angle. My dad died over the course of a month earlier in the pandemic. I was lucky in one respect that because it was early in the pandemic and people were mostly working from home, I was able to physically be with him.

My dad molested me. We were estranged and I was at peace. But when I found out he was alone and in pain, I thought it was an opportunity for ME to have some closure and to at least be able to ask him questions and hope he’d apologize.

I cared for him until he died. We had some good talks. I cried a lot. He cried too. I understand him a lot better and while I’ll never really be able to understand how a parent molests a child, I do understand that he was traumatized as a child and that helped me to feel some kind of control - he was a link in a chain of people who were molested as children and I’m the last link in the chain. I have been able to live my life with much more freedom than if I hadn’t had the chance to spend time with and hash things out with my dad before he died.

If you can find a way to be there with your dad you might have a chance to work out some issues that you’d otherwise be stuck trying to resolve without him at some point. In doing so, maybe you will find some things about your dad that help you repair or just build for the first time, a loving relationship.

Whatever happens, trust your gut. Don’t let your dad manipulate or bully you,  but also don’t let his bullying or manipulation stop you from choosing to help him if that’s what you decide is best.

Best of luck to you.[/quote]

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