Falling in and out of love with the person you married

[Anonymous]

I’m wondering if anyone else in a longterm marriage has noticed the following. Sometimes it feels like you’re really in love with the person, and other times it feels like you made the wrong choice. I’m not talking about they annoy the heck out of you. I’m talking about falling in and out of love with your spouse throughout a 10+ year marriage. Talk to me about your experiences — is this normal? What happens to get you back together when you’re out? In your opinion are these just moods and projections of what you have going on inside of you, or something else?

[Anonymous]

Yes, it’s very normal. Wish more people realized that “down/ out of love” periods can last for years and that different phases of a longterm relationship are incredibly normal.

- married 50 years next spring. Almost divorced twice, with our share of ups and downs, but I’m so in love and can’t wait to continue retirement life with my wonderful but flawed husband (I’m flawed, too)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it’s very normal. Wish more people realized that “down/ out of love” periods can last for years and that different phases of a longterm relationship are incredibly normal.

- married 50 years next spring. Almost divorced twice, with our share of ups and downs, but I’m so in love and can’t wait to continue retirement life with my wonderful but flawed husband (I’m flawed, too)

Thank you for replying! That helps to hear.

Honestly the only thing that’s hard for me is that I want to have other relationships during the down periods. I’m just not attracted during them.

[Anonymous]

I think it is normal. However a lot of people assume that all marriages are like this and they’re not. Sometimes it was never really that great to begin with and people tell you to stick out the downs and that’s really the worst advice ever because you end up wasting your life in something that was never good.

In your case though it does sound normal and marriage does go through those kinds of phases but I am only posting this so other people recognize that not all marriage just have these phases and sometimes the downs are just most of the marriage or all of the marriage, in which case people stay way too long before divorcing.

[Anonymous]

Ug. I'm out of love and it is hard to weather this storm. 22 years.

[Anonymous]

I don't know that I would say I have fallen out of love, perhaps because I have always been taught that love is action, not emotion. If I don't feel those good feelings that come from love, like safety, trust, support, and a desire to do the same, I act. I write down things I like about my husband; everything from "he took care of me after my surgery" to "he looks good with scruff." I try to put things in perspective and remember that the flaws he has are just flaws, not real impediments to having a good relationship. I think about how I can show love to him in a way that is genuine had freely given (not in an "I have to do this" way that might build resentment).

As far as attraction goes, have you ever felt more attracted to somebody after you got to know them? Or felt less attracted to somebody after you got to know them a bit? I am convinced that maybe 99% attraction is a choice. I could be wrong, and I would never suggest somebody should try to be attracted to somebody they aren't in a relationship with, but when I look for the good in my spouse, the attraction follows.

But you are totally normal. I don't know very many people in long-term marriages who have never lost feelings of attraction and good feelings toward their spouse. But I firmly believe that two good people can always get back to a good place. (But for what it's worth, I also firmly believe that getting back to a good place shouldn't always be the goal)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that I would say I have fallen out of love, perhaps because I have always been taught that love is action, not emotion. If I don't feel those good feelings that come from love, like safety, trust, support, and a desire to do the same, I act. I write down things I like about my husband; everything from "he took care of me after my surgery" to "he looks good with scruff." I try to put things in perspective and remember that the flaws he has are just flaws, not real impediments to having a good relationship. I think about how I can show love to him in a way that is genuine had freely given (not in an "I have to do this" way that might build resentment).

As far as attraction goes, have you ever felt more attracted to somebody after you got to know them? Or felt less attracted to somebody after you got to know them a bit? I am convinced that maybe 99% attraction is a choice. I could be wrong, and I would never suggest somebody should try to be attracted to somebody they aren't in a relationship with, but when I look for the good in my spouse, the attraction follows.

But you are totally normal. I don't know very many people in long-term marriages who have never lost feelings of attraction and good feelings toward their spouse. But I firmly believe that two good people can always get back to a good place. (But for what it's worth, I also firmly believe that getting back to a good place shouldn't always be the goal)

This is helpful.

The flaw I am dealing with is emotional tantrums and anger control issues, resulting in hurtful things being said. A form of emotional abuse. There are a ton of other good things — none of the things others complain about here, such as not being an equal partner around the house or with the kids, or not taking care of me, cheating, financial issues, sex, romance, similar interests and lifestyle goals and values… literally all is as good as it could be. Except that one piece. Which has improved a lot over time. But it still explodes every few months or so. I have a lot of difficulty with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it’s very normal. Wish more people realized that “down/ out of love” periods can last for years and that different phases of a longterm relationship are incredibly normal.

- married 50 years next spring. Almost divorced twice, with our share of ups and downs, but I’m so in love and can’t wait to continue retirement life with my wonderful but flawed husband (I’m flawed, too)

I would love it if you shared your almost divorced twice stories. It is so hard to come back for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that I would say I have fallen out of love, perhaps because I have always been taught that love is action, not emotion. If I don't feel those good feelings that come from love, like safety, trust, support, and a desire to do the same, I act. I write down things I like about my husband; everything from "he took care of me after my surgery" to "he looks good with scruff." I try to put things in perspective and remember that the flaws he has are just flaws, not real impediments to having a good relationship. I think about how I can show love to him in a way that is genuine had freely given (not in an "I have to do this" way that might build resentment).

As far as attraction goes, have you ever felt more attracted to somebody after you got to know them? Or felt less attracted to somebody after you got to know them a bit? I am convinced that maybe 99% attraction is a choice. I could be wrong, and I would never suggest somebody should try to be attracted to somebody they aren't in a relationship with, but when I look for the good in my spouse, the attraction follows.

But you are totally normal. I don't know very many people in long-term marriages who have never lost feelings of attraction and good feelings toward their spouse. But I firmly believe that two good people can always get back to a good place. (But for what it's worth, I also firmly believe that getting back to a good place shouldn't always be the goal)

This is helpful.

The flaw I am dealing with is emotional tantrums and anger control issues, resulting in hurtful things being said. A form of emotional abuse. There are a ton of other good things — none of the things others complain about here, such as not being an equal partner around the house or with the kids, or not taking care of me, cheating, financial issues, sex, romance, similar interests and lifestyle goals and values… literally all is as good as it could be. Except that one piece. Which has improved a lot over time. But it still explodes every few months or so. I have a lot of difficulty with it.

PP here. That sounds incredibly hard. And for it to be every few months...that is kind of a lot. I definitely would not be inclined to look for the good during the time that somebody was doing that to me. My husband too has one big flaw that my therapist friend called "unintentional gaslighting," and I am going to see a therapist to hash it out. It definitely isn't worth blowing up our marriage over, but I am looking forward to working through it with somebody who can give me perspective on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that I would say I have fallen out of love, perhaps because I have always been taught that love is action, not emotion. If I don't feel those good feelings that come from love, like safety, trust, support, and a desire to do the same, I act. I write down things I like about my husband; everything from "he took care of me after my surgery" to "he looks good with scruff." I try to put things in perspective and remember that the flaws he has are just flaws, not real impediments to having a good relationship. I think about how I can show love to him in a way that is genuine had freely given (not in an "I have to do this" way that might build resentment).

As far as attraction goes, have you ever felt more attracted to somebody after you got to know them? Or felt less attracted to somebody after you got to know them a bit? I am convinced that maybe 99% attraction is a choice. I could be wrong, and I would never suggest somebody should try to be attracted to somebody they aren't in a relationship with, but when I look for the good in my spouse, the attraction follows.

But you are totally normal. I don't know very many people in long-term marriages who have never lost feelings of attraction and good feelings toward their spouse. But I firmly believe that two good people can always get back to a good place. (But for what it's worth, I also firmly believe that getting back to a good place shouldn't always be the goal)

NP. This is on point in 2 major ways: love is action and a good deal of attraction is mental (and so somewhat of a choice). These are huge takeaways for being in LTR.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that I would say I have fallen out of love, perhaps because I have always been taught that love is action, not emotion. If I don't feel those good feelings that come from love, like safety, trust, support, and a desire to do the same, I act. I write down things I like about my husband; everything from "he took care of me after my surgery" to "he looks good with scruff." I try to put things in perspective and remember that the flaws he has are just flaws, not real impediments to having a good relationship. I think about how I can show love to him in a way that is genuine had freely given (not in an "I have to do this" way that might build resentment).

As far as attraction goes, have you ever felt more attracted to somebody after you got to know them? Or felt less attracted to somebody after you got to know them a bit? I am convinced that maybe 99% attraction is a choice. I could be wrong, and I would never suggest somebody should try to be attracted to somebody they aren't in a relationship with, but when I look for the good in my spouse, the attraction follows.

But you are totally normal. I don't know very many people in long-term marriages who have never lost feelings of attraction and good feelings toward their spouse. But I firmly believe that two good people can always get back to a good place. (But for what it's worth, I also firmly believe that getting back to a good place shouldn't always be the goal)

This is helpful.

The flaw I am dealing with is emotional tantrums and anger control issues, resulting in hurtful things being said. A form of emotional abuse. There are a ton of other good things — none of the things others complain about here, such as not being an equal partner around the house or with the kids, or not taking care of me, cheating, financial issues, sex, romance, similar interests and lifestyle goals and values… literally all is as good as it could be. Except that one piece. Which has improved a lot over time. But it still explodes every few months or so. I have a lot of difficulty with it.

PP here. That sounds incredibly hard. And for it to be every few months...that is kind of a lot. I definitely would not be inclined to look for the good during the time that somebody was doing that to me. My husband too has one big flaw that my therapist friend called "unintentional gaslighting," and I am going to see a therapist to hash it out. It definitely isn't worth blowing up our marriage over, but I am looking forward to working through it with somebody who can give me perspective on it.

PP here. Thanks for the empathy, I appreciate your thoughtful responses!

Yes, it’s hard especially because of what it triggers for me. Over time I’ve learned to see it has nothing to do with it but it still hurts. I am learning to ask for the emotional reassurance of love that I need when we’re not in the midst of it and that also helps. For me what it brings up is if you were truly lovable someone would not treat you like this, and I guess I’m learning to accept that this person does find me lovable but still has issues that have nothing to do with me. It’s a small thing but it helps me reconnect. Sometimes I think these things are hardest when they bring something up for us, for example with the gaslighting I can imagine feeling like — am I wrong? Is my perspective not valid? Am I not respected enough to be taken as an authoritative source? Does this person not respect me enough, is that why they think they can do this? Or whatever insecurities it touches on. When in reality they are probably just defensive and in denial because of their own issues.

[Anonymous]

I am going through the same thing. I think there is love there, but there is a focus on meeting his needs and if he feels slighted, can lash out verbally. It feels like it comes from nowhere (I spoke in a tone, I was snippy) and even if I wasn’t upset at the time or didn’t even intend or notice my voice was sharp, I have to admit to feeling a way or doing something (talking in a tone) even if I don’t agree. And no, apologizing for hurting him is not enough, I must confirm that there was, indeed a tone, or I was feeling pissy. And the result can be name calling, or hurtful comments about how he doesn’t love me and should have left me, to how he suffered with me for 20 years and he is a warning to all his friends about how they shouldn’t end up like him. And then he says sorry for the hurtful comment, and expects me to say sorry for being snippy or acknowledge that he was feeling unloved because of something I wasn’t doing/saying and move on. The really hurtful comments have now happened four times and they crush me. The three before took forever to get over and not sure what to do with the fourth. Not sure what to do and whether this is a lull or he really does, deep down, think that he is stuck with me and it is just coming out here and there.

So, no advice here. I am in the thick of it in the moment. But I sympathize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am going through the same thing. I think there is love there, but there is a focus on meeting his needs and if he feels slighted, can lash out verbally. It feels like it comes from nowhere (I spoke in a tone, I was snippy) and even if I wasn’t upset at the time or didn’t even intend or notice my voice was sharp, I have to admit to feeling a way or doing something (talking in a tone) even if I don’t agree. And no, apologizing for hurting him is not enough, I must confirm that there was, indeed a tone, or I was feeling pissy. And the result can be name calling, or hurtful comments about how he doesn’t love me and should have left me, to how he suffered with me for 20 years and he is a warning to all his friends about how they shouldn’t end up like him. And then he says sorry for the hurtful comment, and expects me to say sorry for being snippy or acknowledge that he was feeling unloved because of something I wasn’t doing/saying and move on. The really hurtful comments have now happened four times and they crush me. The three before took forever to get over and not sure what to do with the fourth. Not sure what to do and whether this is a lull or he really does, deep down, think that he is stuck with me and it is just coming out here and there.

So, no advice here. I am in the thick of it in the moment. But I sympathize.

Very similar here. Have you tried putting down boundaries?

[Anonymous]

Actually, that is what I am working on now. The argument and the words are still raw so I said I would not discuss without a marriage counselor present. That hasn’t been scheduled yet. Then been talking to my own counselor to make personal decisions on what I can live with. Because I can only control myself and while I am willing to put time in to see if it gets better (and make changes to help things), I also need to decide whether to live with/or not live with whatever DH decides he doesn’t want to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going through the same thing. I think there is love there, but there is a focus on meeting his needs and if he feels slighted, can lash out verbally. It feels like it comes from nowhere (I spoke in a tone, I was snippy) and even if I wasn’t upset at the time or didn’t even intend or notice my voice was sharp, I have to admit to feeling a way or doing something (talking in a tone) even if I don’t agree. And no, apologizing for hurting him is not enough, I must confirm that there was, indeed a tone, or I was feeling pissy. And the result can be name calling, or hurtful comments about how he doesn’t love me and should have left me, to how he suffered with me for 20 years and he is a warning to all his friends about how they shouldn’t end up like him. And then he says sorry for the hurtful comment, and expects me to say sorry for being snippy or acknowledge that he was feeling unloved because of something I wasn’t doing/saying and move on. The really hurtful comments have now happened four times and they crush me. The three before took forever to get over and not sure what to do with the fourth. Not sure what to do and whether this is a lull or he really does, deep down, think that he is stuck with me and it is just coming out here and there.

So, no advice here. I am in the thick of it in the moment. But I sympathize.

Very similar here. Have you tried putting down boundaries?

I divorced this.