Reply to Falling in and out of love with the person you married

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't know that I would say I have fallen out of love, perhaps because I have always been taught that love is action, not emotion. If I don't feel those good feelings that come from love, like safety, trust, support, and a desire to do the same, I act. I write down things I like about my husband; everything from "he took care of me after my surgery" to "he looks good with scruff." I try to put things in perspective and remember that the flaws he has are just flaws, not real impediments to having a good relationship. I think about how I can show love to him in a way that is genuine had freely given (not in an "I have to do this" way that might build resentment).

As far as attraction goes, have you ever felt more attracted to somebody after you got to know them? Or felt less attracted to somebody after you got to know them a bit? I am convinced that maybe 99% attraction is a choice. I could be wrong, and I would never suggest somebody should try to be attracted to somebody they aren't in a relationship with, but when I look for the good in my spouse, the attraction follows.

But you are totally normal. I don't know very many people in long-term marriages who have never lost feelings of attraction and good feelings toward their spouse. But I firmly believe that two good people can always get back to a good place. (But for what it's worth, I also firmly believe that getting back to a good place shouldn't always be the goal)[/quote]

This is helpful.

The flaw I am dealing with is emotional tantrums and anger control issues, resulting in hurtful things being said. A form of emotional abuse. There are a ton of other good things — none of the things others complain about here, such as not being an equal partner around the house or with the kids, or not taking care of me, cheating, financial issues, sex, romance, similar interests and lifestyle goals and values… literally all is as good as it could be. Except that one piece. Which has improved a lot over time. But it still explodes every few months or so. I have a lot of difficulty with it.[/quote]

PP here. That sounds incredibly hard. And for it to be every few months...that is kind of a lot. I definitely would not be inclined to look for the good during the time that somebody was doing that to me. My husband too has one big flaw that my therapist friend called "unintentional gaslighting," and I am going to see a therapist to hash it out. It definitely isn't worth blowing up our marriage over, but I am looking forward to working through it with somebody who can give me perspective on it. [/quote]

PP here. Thanks for the empathy, I appreciate your thoughtful responses!

Yes, it’s hard especially because of what it triggers for me. Over time I’ve learned to see it has nothing to do with it but it still hurts. I am learning to ask for the emotional reassurance of love that I need when we’re not in the midst of it and that also helps. For me what it brings up is if you were truly lovable someone would not treat you like this, and I guess I’m learning to accept that this person does find me lovable but still has issues that have nothing to do with me. It’s a small thing but it helps me reconnect. Sometimes I think these things are hardest when they bring something up for us, for example with the gaslighting I can imagine feeling like — am I wrong? Is my perspective not valid? Am I not respected enough to be taken as an authoritative source? Does this person not respect me enough, is that why they think they can do this? Or whatever insecurities it touches on. When in reality they are probably just defensive and in denial because of their own issues.[/quote]

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