Should I voice my concerns for my best friend’s (31/M) pending engagement?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been best friends with him for over half our lives (31 F & M). He met this 22 year old in June and they began dating. She has a 4 year old and isn’t a citizen. She doesn’t speak any English, which is fine, but that indicates that she hasn’t been here that long if she hasn’t picked up some conversational English. Today he tells me he’s going to propose to her and that they’ll be married next month. He said his sister isn’t happy about it because it’s too soon - they’ve been dating 4 months. While venting to me about his sister’s reservations he disclosed that his fiancé-to-be needs papers (I suspected this when he told me she didn’t know any English). I asked him if she was at risk of being deported and he said no and they had planned on waiting a year before getting engaged but didn’t see the point in waiting.

Her being so young, has a kid, and needing papers really concerns me. He is SO head over heels for her and now I’m a little worried. However, if they had planned on waiting a year then maybe it’s genuine on her end and I could be completely wrong about this?

Thoughts? Keep my mouth shut?

[Anonymous]

DH here. How experienced is he in dating and relationships?

[Anonymous]

I think you can express your concerns but be prepared for him to ignore them. My male best friend proposed to his girlfriend after 3 months and I thought he was insane. I gently asked him if he thought it was maybe too fast (more because I thought the woman might run for the hills) and he assured me it would be ok. They've been married 4 years now and are happy.

However, they were both in their 30s, she had no children and is a doctor from the US. I don't see your friend's situation going nearly as smoothly. But there is really nothing you can do besides pushing for a strong prenup.

[Anonymous]

I would voice my concerns. I am a woman. Also, get a prenup. This is way to fast. And very likely wanting a green card. What is the rush? They should get to know each other better before getting married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here. How experienced is he in dating and relationships?

Let’s just say his last girlfriend 2 years ago was also young (20), had a toddler, and he moved them into his apartment within a few months. He got someone pregnant when he was 17 and they got married that year and were married for a few years. There’s other stories but I hope this gives you an idea of his dating experience.

[Anonymous]

His sister has expressed reservations. He's aware of this woman's immigration status. He knows how old she is. If he seemed unhappy, or anxious, I think there's an opening for you to ask how he feels, but there's not a lot you can do here. Maybe say, "I'm sure your sister is just worried because it's happening so fast, and she doesn't want anyone to take advantage of you or hurt you." And then see what he says. But there's little you can tell him that he doesn't already know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His sister has expressed reservations. He's aware of this woman's immigration status. He knows how old she is. If he seemed unhappy, or anxious, I think there's an opening for you to ask how he feels, but there's not a lot you can do here. Maybe say, "I'm sure your sister is just worried because it's happening so fast, and she doesn't want anyone to take advantage of you or hurt you." And then see what he says. But there's little you can tell him that he doesn't already know.

Just because he knows these things doesn’t mean he’s aware that this chick is clearly using him.

[Anonymous]

Reminds me of 90 Day Fiancé - and we all know how many of them are scammers in search of a green card. How did he meet her?

[Anonymous]

Nope. She sounds perfect - she'll be loyal and a great SAHM. As long as that is what he wants I see no problem. They'll still be married when he's 50 and she's 40.

[Anonymous]

You should say that if she really likes him for who he is, then she would agree to being engaged for a year first.

Is he ready to be a full time Dad? Can he be sure she doesn't just want a green card?

I would say the first paragraph to him, not the second paragraph.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here. How experienced is he in dating and relationships?

Let’s just say his last girlfriend 2 years ago was also young (20), had a toddler, and he moved them into his apartment within a few months. He got someone pregnant when he was 17 and they got married that year and were married for a few years. There’s other stories but I hope this gives you an idea of his dating experience.

Seems like he's comfortable getting into tricky situations and has navigated them before. I'd leave it alone and be there for him if he ever needs it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here. How experienced is he in dating and relationships?

Let’s just say his last girlfriend 2 years ago was also young (20), had a toddler, and he moved them into his apartment within a few months. He got someone pregnant when he was 17 and they got married that year and were married for a few years. There’s other stories but I hope this gives you an idea of his dating experience.

What I was getting at is if he was maybe very inexperienced and he fell for the first woman who really pleased him. But that doesn't sound like the case. What do you think he keeps attracting young single mothers?

[Anonymous]

Multiple red flags all over this one. And that’s coming from a man who married a foreigner without a green card!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reminds me of 90 Day Fiancé - and we all know how many of them are scammers in search of a green card. How did he meet her?

I think on Instagram?

Oh, and she doesn’t have a car so he drives her to and from work (30 min away), nail appointments, etc. He wanted her to move in with him but she said no not until she had a ring but I also saw that as protecting herself because that’s something I would’ve said. I don’t know it could go either way I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here. How experienced is he in dating and relationships?

Let’s just say his last girlfriend 2 years ago was also young (20), had a toddler, and he moved them into his apartment within a few months. He got someone pregnant when he was 17 and they got married that year and were married for a few years. There’s other stories but I hope this gives you an idea of his dating experience.

What I was getting at is if he was maybe very inexperienced and he fell for the first woman who really pleased him. But that doesn't sound like the case. What do you think he keeps attracting young single mothers?

This makes me wonder what his relationship is with his child. Might he be trying to right some wrongs when he was a young dad, presumably with a young mother?