Should I voice my concerns for my best friend’s (31/M) pending engagement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been best friends with him for over half our lives (31 F & M). He met this 22 year old in June and they began dating. She has a 4 year old and isn’t a citizen. She doesn’t speak any English, which is fine, but that indicates that she hasn’t been here that long if she hasn’t picked up some conversational English. Today he tells me he’s going to propose to her and that they’ll be married next month. He said his sister isn’t happy about it because it’s too soon - they’ve been dating 4 months. While venting to me about his sister’s reservations he disclosed that his fiancé-to-be needs papers (I suspected this when he told me she didn’t know any English). I asked him if she was at risk of being deported and he said no and they had planned on waiting a year before getting engaged but didn’t see the point in waiting.

Her being so young, has a kid, and needing papers really concerns me. He is SO head over heels for her and now I’m a little worried. However, if they had planned on waiting a year then maybe it’s genuine on her end and I could be completely wrong about this?

Thoughts? Keep my mouth shut?

You have known him for decades, and if you truly have his best interests at heart (and assuming you are not jealous that she's some hottie from a nice background, for example) - you would be doing him a disservice not saying something. It seems awfully one sided, in your friend's situation - some couples just look suspiciously "convenient" sometimes - big age difference, big culture difference, need for green card, her putting herself in his path and "fawning" over him, kids from past relationships, all of the above.....

I know a couple with all of the above, and yeah - for her, he was too good to be true, she happened upon old, single, rich white guy - so of course, she went from being a receptionist to his "business partner", miraculously with little or no experience! She wanted that lifestyle, and he was a very easy target. He needed medical attention, and she brought him to the doctor, like anyone would do. As an aside, let's just say she looks NOTHING like Anna Nichole Smith LOL - and in her mind, he won't be around much longer, anyway.

We have couple friends who were supportive of our relationship, and we had (past tense) couple friends who judged and poked and prodded. The latter group were single (surprise!) and knew they would never have what we have (we're not perfect, but we enjoy and support each other), so they tried to create problems - drama where there was none. Anyway, we dumped them and now look for positive people with whom we have more in common. Of course, they are just so over the top supportive of the other couple I mentioned, which is the funny part.

You owe it to your decades long friend to say something, provided it is not from jealousy, of course. BUT you have to say it in a way that it can not be held against you if they marry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here. How experienced is he in dating and relationships?

Let’s just say his last girlfriend 2 years ago was also young (20), had a toddler, and he moved them into his apartment within a few months. He got someone pregnant when he was 17 and they got married that year and were married for a few years. There’s other stories but I hope this gives you an idea of his dating experience.

Seems like he's comfortable getting into tricky situations and has navigated them before. I'd leave it alone and be there for him if he ever needs it.

I agree with this. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won’t, but you can say that about any marriage. Sounds like he’s got a bit of a hero complex going on. I’d leave it alone and just be supportive, hope for the best, be there if it doesn’t work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reminds me of 90 Day Fiancé - and we all know how many of them are scammers in search of a green card. How did he meet her?

[/b]I think on Instagram? [b]

Oh, and she doesn’t have a car so he drives her to and from work (30 min away), nail appointments, etc. He wanted her to move in with him but she said no not until she had a ring but I also saw that as protecting herself because that’s something I would’ve said. I don’t know it could go either way I guess.

This post just jumped the shark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here. How experienced is he in dating and relationships?

Let’s just say his last girlfriend 2 years ago was also young (20), had a toddler, and he moved them into his apartment within a few months. He got someone pregnant when he was 17 and they got married that year and were married for a few years. There’s other stories but I hope this gives you an idea of his dating experience.

What I was getting at is if he was maybe very inexperienced and he fell for the first woman who really pleased him. But that doesn't sound like the case. What do you think he keeps attracting young single mothers?

This makes me wonder what his relationship is with his child. Might he be trying to right some wrongs when he was a young dad, presumably with a young mother?

He has a great relationship with his kid. He really REALLY wants more kids. I think he likes young mothers because they’re clearly fertile, which I don’t think he realizes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His sister has expressed reservations. He's aware of this woman's immigration status. He knows how old she is. If he seemed unhappy, or anxious, I think there's an opening for you to ask how he feels, but there's not a lot you can do here. Maybe say, "I'm sure your sister is just worried because it's happening so fast, and she doesn't want anyone to take advantage of you or hurt you." And then see what he says. But there's little you can tell him that he doesn't already know.

Just because he knows these things doesn’t mean he’s aware that this chick is clearly using him.

DP here. I agree. The issue becomes when the friend thinks you/OP are/is jealous of him and his finding new love. If the friend has no reason to think OP is jealous, I say OP should go ahead and carefully voice his concerns - but only in a way that would be least impactful, if/when the friend marries this girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been best friends with him for over half our lives (31 F & M). He met this 22 year old in June and they began dating. She has a 4 year old and isn’t a citizen. She doesn’t speak any English, which is fine, but that indicates that she hasn’t been here that long if she hasn’t picked up some conversational English. Today he tells me he’s going to propose to her and that they’ll be married next month. He said his sister isn’t happy about it because it’s too soon - they’ve been dating 4 months. While venting to me about his sister’s reservations he disclosed that his fiancé-to-be needs papers (I suspected this when he told me she didn’t know any English). I asked him if she was at risk of being deported and he said no and they had planned on waiting a year before getting engaged but didn’t see the point in waiting.

Her being so young, has a kid, and needing papers really concerns me. He is SO head over heels for her and now I’m a little worried. However, if they had planned on waiting a year then maybe it’s genuine on her end and I could be completely wrong about this?

Thoughts? Keep my mouth shut?

You have known him for decades, and if you truly have his best interests at heart (and assuming you are not jealous that she's some hottie from a nice background, for example) - you would be doing him a disservice not saying something. It seems awfully one sided, in your friend's situation - some couples just look suspiciously "convenient" sometimes - big age difference, big culture difference, need for green card, her putting herself in his path and "fawning" over him, kids from past relationships, all of the above.....

I know a couple with all of the above, and yeah - for her, he was too good to be true, she happened upon old, single, rich white guy - so of course, she went from being a receptionist to his "business partner", miraculously with little or no experience! She wanted that lifestyle, and he was a very easy target. He needed medical attention, and she brought him to the doctor, like anyone would do. As an aside, let's just say she looks NOTHING like Anna Nichole Smith LOL - and in her mind, he won't be around much longer, anyway.

We have couple friends who were supportive of our relationship, and we had (past tense) couple friends who judged and poked and prodded. The latter group were single (surprise!) and knew they would never have what we have (we're not perfect, but we enjoy and support each other), so they tried to create problems - drama where there was none. Anyway, we dumped them and now look for positive people with whom we have more in common. Of course, they are just so over the top supportive of the other couple I mentioned, which is the funny part.

You owe it to your decades long friend to say something, provided it is not from jealousy, of course. BUT you have to say it in a way that it can not be held against you if they marry, OP.

Thanks. He tried 2 years ago to date me but I’ve never viewed him in that way so no jealousy just concerned for him. He’s such a good guy and I don’t want him being taken advantage of. I just don’t know if my concerns are valid or if I’m looking too much into it.

[Anonymous]

She’s just using him.

[Anonymous]

Is there any way you can suggest that he do some sort of pre marriage counseling that might open his eyes a little but with a third party being the facilitator? The Catholic Church requires a pre-Cana which is one venue for this but maybe there are others?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he’s just somebody who wants to keep making bad decisions and I doubt that anything you say would have an impact.

Maybe suggest that they meet with an immigration attorney so he know exactly what they’re getting into regarding her potential citizenship. Is she here illegally or does she have a visa or resident alien status? Getting married won’t prevent deportation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he’s just somebody who wants to keep making bad decisions and I doubt that anything you say would have an impact.

Maybe suggest that they meet with an immigration attorney so he know exactly what they’re getting into regarding her potential citizenship. Is she here illegally or does she have a visa or resident alien status? Getting married won’t prevent deportation.

Yeah, if the marriage is her only route to a green card, it's not obvious that they would pass the fraud interview with USCIS with such a short dating history and that big an age gap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s just using him.

Why are you/you all so convinced that she’s using him? He very well could be the love of her life.

[Anonymous]

MYOB! He's not a child.

[Anonymous]

Does he speak her native language?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His sister has expressed reservations. He's aware of this woman's immigration status. He knows how old she is. If he seemed unhappy, or anxious, I think there's an opening for you to ask how he feels, but there's not a lot you can do here. Maybe say, "I'm sure your sister is just worried because it's happening so fast, and she doesn't want anyone to take advantage of you or hurt you." And then see what he says. But there's little you can tell him that he doesn't already know.

Just because he knows these things doesn’t mean he’s aware that this chick is clearly using him.

This is a guy in his thirties that consistently dates women ten years younger than himself. And now he's dating someone with no immigration status or English skills, so the power difference is skewed even more. The "using" is clearly going both ways.

[Anonymous]

Don’t give him your opinion. At most, you can ask him if he’s asked himself different questions to verify her story given the short time and fact that she has no social context here (ie friends and family) that would make this real. Or advise a prenup.

He makes very questionable choices in his dating life and doesn’t seem to learn anything from them. That unfortunately cannot be your problem.