If your kid asks how they played, do you tell the truth?

[Anonymous]

DS asked me how he played yesterday, and I responded, "you weren't bad, but you weren't your usual self either. Probably because you had trouble sleeping last night." DH is now claiming that I gave a mean answer to DS, and am not being encouraging. DS is 13 years old, and I feel like I gave a what I perceived as an accurate answer to a question that DS asked. I would never have said anything either way unless DS asked. Do people see anything wrong with my answer?

[Anonymous]

it's just a game, who cares

[Anonymous]

Sports are an amazing way to prepare a kid for the real world. He/She will soon enter a world with reviews, assessments and so on. I dont see anything wrong with telling your kid exactly what you saw. Be constructive but honest.

If you find your kid asks again in the future you will know they have taken your words and appreciate the feedback. If they never bring it up again you might have struck a chord with the wrong approach and now you have a problem.

Just my opinion

[Anonymous]

What would you DH say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it's just a game, who cares

You’re part of the problem - but, it’s all good. Pay up.

[Anonymous]

I don't think there's anything wrong with what you said. You know your kid, so presumably you'd know if that kind of feedback is helpful. I was always given specific feedback about good AND bad performances, so it was just a normalized part of being coached.

[Anonymous]

OP there are 1,000 ways to accurately answer a question, or to judge a situation for that matter.

[Anonymous]

You’re not his coach. I would have said “blah blah was a good play! How did you think it went?”

[Anonymous]

Kids aren’t dumb. At that age they know if they’re being condescended to. But how soft you want to deliver it will depend on your child’s personality.

[Anonymous]

Yes. what good does it do to lie?

Feedback should be given tactfully but honestly.

[Anonymous]

I always turned the question around - "how do YOU think you played?" Through the conversation, I encourage player to identify things he did well, and things to work on. If there's something I really want to say, I try to work it into the child's discussion often by getting him to identify it - what about X? or Tell me what was happening leading up to X, I couldn't see well. Or, X seemed like a tough situation - if you could do it over again, what would you do differently. At first, my son resisted this approach and said he wanted to know what I think. I'd always push back and say I can't always see what's going on on the field, don't know as much about X position. Also, when he was younger, I'd try to say something really generic that was positive to encourage him to speak - "I had a great time watching you. What do you think about the game/how you played?" After a couple of years, my son usually initiates this conversation now by starting with identifying the good or bad, but sometimes he starts with a particular situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS asked me how he played yesterday, and I responded, "you weren't bad, but you weren't your usual self either. Probably because you had trouble sleeping last night." DH is now claiming that I gave a mean answer to DS, and am not being encouraging. DS is 13 years old, and I feel like I gave a what I perceived as an accurate answer to a question that DS asked. I would never have said anything either way unless DS asked. Do people see anything wrong with my answer?

I have no problem with honest feedback, but your lack of specificity makes your feedback less useful than it might have been.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]I always turned the question around - "how do YOU think you played?"[/b] Through the conversation, I encourage player to identify things he did well, and things to work on. If there's something I really want to say, I try to work it into the child's discussion often by getting him to identify it - what about X? or Tell me what was happening leading up to X, I couldn't see well. Or, X seemed like a tough situation - if you could do it over again, what would you do differently. At first, my son resisted this approach and said he wanted to know what I think. I'd always push back and say I can't always see what's going on on the field, don't know as much about X position. Also, when he was younger, I'd try to say something really generic that was positive to encourage him to speak - "I had a great time watching you. What do you think about the game/how you played?" After a couple of years, my son usually initiates this conversation now by starting with identifying the good or bad, but sometimes he starts with a particular situation.

+1 to all of this, I was going to reply with the bolded exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. what good does it do to lie?

Feedback should be given tactfully but honestly.

+1 Though I would have tried for more constructive feedback.
Feedback is helpful, lying is hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Yes I also say, if true, that I thought he put in a good effort and hustled. To me that’s the most important thing. DS knows I don’t know anything about soccer so he doesn’t usually ask it like “how did I play.” I would also ask- how do you think you played, and if he says, terrible, then I say, how do you think you could improve/do better next time/ etc. usually he isn’t in the right frame of mind to respond coherently though.