What causes people to be unkind, controlling, gaslighting, etc.?

[Anonymous]

In the last few years I’ve discovered (through therapy and on my own) that a lot of my bad relationships as an adult can be traced to childhood trauma. Basically, I had emotionally abusive and neglectful parents, and as an adult I have subconsciously sought out relationships (especially friendships) that recreate that dynamic, in an effort to try and change the narrative of my childhood. So I am drawn to people who remind me of my parents (very judgmental of me specifically, critical, emotionally withholding) and then I try to prove to th that I am worthy of their kindness.

It always goes poorly, of course. Figuring this out has helped me do better in terms of not getting drawn into this dynamic— now, when people are unkind or judgmental towards me, I keep them at a remove and don’t engage. Its a lot better.

But it has me thinking: if the abuse and neglect I experienced is what draws me to people who behave this way towards me, what is going on with them that they behave this way towards me and others? What experiences cause a person to be unkind to their friends and colleagues, extremely critical and judgmental, etc.? I don’t understand how people get that way.

It’s also amazing to me how many people are like this. Now that I am on the lookout for this dynamic, it’s kind crazy how often I meet people and quickly recognize the signs. Why are so many people this way?

[Anonymous]

My DH blames his gaslighting on his manipulative mother. He’s currently in court ordered family violence counseling and couples counseling with me and has made great improvements in behavior.

[Anonymous]

Victims of abuse as children tend to go one of two ways- towards doormat or towards abusers themselves. I went doormat 😞

My ex was abusive not from any family abuse but from bullying by other kids. So he developed terrible self-esteem and a super fragile ego- basically Narcissistic tendencies. That meant he needed to be controlling and critical all the time. He was never wrong, everything was always my fault. This led to physical abuse occasionally. Pls note I'm safe now I have no contact and I'm in a great marriage now after lots of therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Victims of abuse as children tend to go one of two ways- towards doormat or towards abusers themselves. I went doormat 😞

My ex was abusive not from any family abuse but from bullying by other kids. So he developed terrible self-esteem and a super fragile ego- basically Narcissistic tendencies. That meant he needed to be controlling and critical all the time. He was never wrong, everything was always my fault. This led to physical abuse occasionally. Pls note I'm safe now I have no contact and I'm in a great marriage now after lots of therapy.

OP here. This makes sense to me -- I went doormat, too.

Also, thinking about some of these dysfunctional relationships, there was sometimes a dynamic where the other person would want to excuse their behavior because they had past trauma. It created a lot of conflict because I obviously have past trauma too, but it was like my past experiences didn't matter. Only theirs did. It was so hard to understand at the time because it seemed like having similar backgrounds would improve empathy between us, but instead it was like they were annoyed if I talked about my experiences as a child. I used to think it was because it made them think I was pathetic or embarrassing. Now I wonder if it was mostly just annoyance at the idea that I was pulling attention off of them by talking about this stuff.

I'm glad you are in a safe place now, PP. Therapy is great -- I don't know what I'd do without it.

[Anonymous]

Mental disorders and personality disorders do.
Then they develop mean and negative coping mechanisms.

[Anonymous]

Poor coping skills as adults stemming from being told to suppress their feelings as children, to "man up and be a big boy/girl". Coupled with clinical mental illnesses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the last few years I’ve discovered (through therapy and on my own) that a lot of my bad relationships as an adult can be traced to childhood trauma. Basically, I had emotionally abusive and neglectful parents, and as an adult I have subconsciously sought out relationships (especially friendships) that recreate that dynamic, in an effort to try and change the narrative of my childhood. So I am drawn to people who remind me of my parents (very judgmental of me specifically, critical, emotionally withholding) and then I try to prove to th that I am worthy of their kindness.

It always goes poorly, of course. Figuring this out has helped me do better in terms of not getting drawn into this dynamic— now, when people are unkind or judgmental towards me, I keep them at a remove and don’t engage. Its a lot better.

But it has me thinking: if the abuse and neglect I experienced is what draws me to people who behave this way towards me, what is going on with them that they behave this way towards me and others? What experiences cause a person to be unkind to their friends and colleagues, extremely critical and judgmental, etc.? I don’t understand how people get that way.

It’s also amazing to me how many people are like this. Now that I am on the lookout for this dynamic, it’s kind crazy how often I meet people and quickly recognize the signs. Why are so many people this way?

Most people are unaware of how they come across, and if they do become aware, don't know how to change it. It takes a lot to become self-aware and want to change for the better.

[Anonymous]

The use of the term gaslighting is an obvious tell on this board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the last few years I’ve discovered (through therapy and on my own) that a lot of my bad relationships as an adult can be traced to childhood trauma. Basically, I had emotionally abusive and neglectful parents, and as an adult I have subconsciously sought out relationships (especially friendships) that recreate that dynamic, in an effort to try and change the narrative of my childhood. So I am drawn to people who remind me of my parents (very judgmental of me specifically, critical, emotionally withholding) and then I try to prove to th that I am worthy of their kindness.

It always goes poorly, of course. Figuring this out has helped me do better in terms of not getting drawn into this dynamic— now, when people are unkind or judgmental towards me, I keep them at a remove and don’t engage. Its a lot better.

But it has me thinking: if the abuse and neglect I experienced is what draws me to people who behave this way towards me, what is going on with them that they behave this way towards me and others? What experiences cause a person to be unkind to their friends and colleagues, extremely critical and judgmental, etc.? I don’t understand how people get that way.

It’s also amazing to me how many people are like this. Now that I am on the lookout for this dynamic, it’s kind crazy how often I meet people and quickly recognize the signs. Why are so many people this way?

Their own mental health and unhealthy family history. Many times they just can’t see how awful they are. Also low lying personality disorders.

I’ve come to the conclusion with my own family that they either a. Hate me so much that I don’t understand why they could possibly want a relationship with me (I’ve been trying to distance after some more recent events) or b. Are so mentally unwell that they are not possible of truly loving and enjoy torturing me

Neither are particularly great scenarios and both have made me decide I need to protect myself and step away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The use of the term gaslighting is an obvious tell on this board.

Or an example of someone who understand the term and uses it correctly. I agree it gets overused, but it is an actual manipulation tactic that gets deployed in abusive relationships and it's okay to reference it as long as you aren't calling literally any disagreement "gaslighting" which is what a lot of people tend to do.

Assuming that using the term "gaslighting" is a tell without understanding the context is it's own sort of reveal, actually.

[Anonymous]

Sociopathology, psychopathology, narcissistic personality disorder, etc.

[Anonymous]

mental illness, like my ex-h and his bipolar mother.

[Anonymous]

Poor parenting has ramifications for generations. My dh’s grandmother was reportedly a very difficult person. She grew up in horrific poverty and eventually emigrated to the US. Had three daughters, including my mil. Much estrangement in the family. One of dh’s aunts is delightful. She had a bad first marriage, and went through therapy due to that. She says it saved her, and wishes her sisters had done the same. They did not, and the difficulties continue for them. Thankfully we seem to have ended the cycle with our kids, but it’s fascinating that whatever dh’s grandmother endured, and possibly her parents too, still has an impact today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Poor parenting has ramifications for generations. My dh’s grandmother was reportedly a very difficult person. She grew up in horrific poverty and eventually emigrated to the US. Had three daughters, including my mil. Much estrangement in the family. One of dh’s aunts is delightful. She had a bad first marriage, and went through therapy due to that. She says it saved her, and wishes her sisters had done the same. They did not, and the difficulties continue for them. Thankfully we seem to have ended the cycle with our kids, but it’s fascinating that whatever dh’s grandmother endured, and possibly her parents too, still has an impact today.

OP here, and this is so true. I've learned that most of my childhood trauma likely originated with my grandparents, most of whom I never met. But they were violent alcoholics (both sides) and my parents grew up in very terrible conditions. There was some physical abuse in my home growing up, but it mostly manifested as verbal abuse and several kinds of neglect. I really did not understand that my experience was abusive until I was in therapy as an adult and started describing things that happened in detail. Because our experience was so much less violent than what my parents had been through, we all accepted it as an idyllic childhood and we felt guilty for struggling. It took therapy to help me understand that what I experienced as a kid was not positive and in many instances very damaging.

I wonder if that is part of the different responses to childhood abuse. Because the abuse I experienced was largely psychological, I entered adulthood always blaming myself for any unhappiness or challenges in my life. I internalized everything, and that made me very susceptible to abusive relationships because I was already primed to say "I'm sorry, this is my fault, I'm such a f*** up."

But I wonder if people who experience more physical abuse, or have experiences that are easier for them to recognize as wrong, might sometimes externalize their feelings by taking them out on others? I know that some of the abusive relationships I've been in were with people who had experience childhood traumas. But often they'd dismiss my own experience "Oh whatever, your parents never divorced, you don't know what it's like to come from a broken home," that kind of thing. But my home was very broken in my childhood. It just did not appear that way to any outsiders because everyone in my family was gritting their teeth and pretending everything was fine.

[Anonymous]

It's due to a poorly formed or fragile ego, also can be referred to as emotionally immaturity or being "stuck" in the adolescent chair. And, yes, it comes from childhood trauma.