Reply to What causes people to be unkind, controlling, gaslighting, etc.?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Poor parenting has ramifications for generations.   My dh’s grandmother was reportedly a very difficult person.  She grew up in horrific poverty and eventually emigrated to the US.  Had three daughters, including my mil.  Much estrangement in the family.  One of dh’s aunts is delightful.  She had a bad first marriage, and went through therapy due to that.  She says it saved her, and wishes her sisters had done the same.  They did not, and the difficulties continue for them.  Thankfully we seem to have ended the cycle with our kids, but it’s fascinating that whatever dh’s grandmother endured, and possibly her parents too, still has an impact today.  [/quote]

OP here, and this is so true. I've learned that most of my childhood trauma likely originated with my grandparents, most of whom I never met. But they were violent alcoholics (both sides) and my parents grew up in very terrible conditions. There was some physical abuse in my home growing up, but it mostly manifested as verbal abuse and several kinds of neglect. I really did not understand that my experience was abusive until I was in therapy as an adult and started describing things that happened in detail. Because our experience was so much less violent than what my parents had been through, we all accepted it as an idyllic childhood and we felt guilty for struggling. It took therapy to help me understand that what I experienced as a kid was not positive and in many instances very damaging.

I wonder if that is part of the different responses to childhood abuse. Because the abuse I experienced was largely psychological, I entered adulthood always blaming myself for any unhappiness or challenges in my life. I internalized everything, and that made me very susceptible to abusive relationships because I was already primed to say "I'm sorry, this is my fault, I'm such a f*** up."

But I wonder if people who experience more physical abuse, or have experiences that are easier for them to recognize as wrong, might sometimes externalize their feelings by taking them out on others? I know that some of the abusive relationships I've been in were with people who had experience childhood traumas. But often they'd dismiss my own experience "Oh whatever, your parents never divorced, you don't know what it's like to come from a broken home," that kind of thing. But my home was very broken in my childhood. It just did not appear that way to any outsiders because everyone in my family was gritting their teeth and pretending everything was fine.[/quote]

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