My marriage is going to break over the little things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

What can be simplified, OP? What can be outsourced? What can the kids be involved in?

Send out laundry and have everyone put theirs away when it is returned folded. Automate grocery order and get delivered. Hire cleaners. Have an organizer come in quarterly to help create and maintain systems and help purge. Minimize what needs to be done. Train kids to make lunches after dinner and to pack backpacks.

Someone still has to manage all of that and it doesn't sound like its going to be the DH.

It sucks OP. And women on this site love to tell us that our DH's sucking is our fault. Its not.

[Anonymous]

OP -- he's gets a 50% say in what goes on in the house. An equal say. Equal to yours.

You don't get more than 50%, for any issue, just because your way is more civilized.

[Anonymous]

Good lord, stop nagging over minute things.

[Anonymous]

As long as the bottom of the plate wasn't dirty and it was placed straight rather than at a angle, this doesn't strike me as a problem.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are the problem here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- he's gets a 50% say in what goes on in the house. An equal say. Equal to yours.

You don't get more than 50%, for any issue, just because your way is more civilized.

Eh, this is only sort of true but you also have to pick your battles. My husband likes to lounge on the couch and in our bed with his street shoes on. I think it's a filthy habit and disgusting. I told him that it's a high priority for me to keep shoes off these surfaces - and I feel strongly about it. He... doesn't love me asking him to change how he prefers to sit/be. But he loves me and doesn't want me to be disgusted by the way he acts in our house. So he takes off his shoes before he lounges.

OP, the best advice you got is to get the Fair Play cards and/or work through your household labor issues in counseling. You are deep in resentment, and that's a relationship killer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you come at him like that? It’s very accusatory. How about he honey, could you please put your plate in the dishwasher when you’ve finished?

What's your recommendation on how I should have responded?

You could have just picked up the plate and put it on the table.
Wow!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with OP here in the sense that it's not the dirty plate on the couch per se, but perhaps the feeling of what do I need to remind him to put his dishes away in the first place? Could she be more polite? Sure. Could he not be another child that needs reminding? Yes. I think all parents and especially mothers know how utterly frustrating it is to remind their kids CONSTANTLY to do basic things around the house. And add an adult.

GTFOH!!
He is an adult, sometimes he does things that are convenient to himself that is not destructive to anything or anyone!
Do you always fold your laundry right away?
Do you always clean up immediately after dinner?
Do you always fold towels and sheets the exact perfect way your partner requires?
Do you always refill the soap dispenser and the toilet paper?
Do you ever let the gas get below half a tank?
Do you ever let the hamper overflow?
ARE YOU PERFECT?

[Anonymous]

You seem very rigid. Your husband sounds patient and mature. You need individual counseling. You will probably isolate your children the same way you annoy your husband.

[Anonymous]

LEXAPRO!
You need to chill Marge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP. Wow.

You are wrong. It's in fact not a big deal to put a plate on the couch for a bit during the movie. You sound controlling and rigid and a bit OCD. Stop trying to micro-manage your grown husband. And this ruins the rest of your night? What are you doing?

He apologized to you in the morning because you're awful and he just wanted it to be over.

This and this is most husbands any time they apologize

[Anonymous]

OP, in this case you sound controlling and are in the wrong. You can’t treat DH, an adult as though he is a naughty child. In this case you woke up stewing and wanted to fight in the morning. LET IT GO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

I think you are off here --- this is a non-issue ---- you should not get it -- you are reading into this something else from your experience which you should not do.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you OP. Simply because you don't like it is enough of a reason for him not to do it. I see it as disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

BS. Total BS. You are now trying to justify where you acted wrong and people are calling you out for this. If any of this was even remotely true you would have said this in the original post.

I will tell you one thing -- if you are getting fed up with all of this please be assured that your DH is more fed up with you complaining about it. If you are thinking of divorce he is well ahead of you. You all need couples therapy quickly.