How common is "failure to launch?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BIL and his family have lived with MIL for most of their marriage (15 years). They co-purchase real estate with her and she pays for their food and cell phone bills (that we know of).

DH and I moved out of my parents after I paid off my student loans 10+ years ago.

Let's not make it into competition.
I went to a boarding school at 15. Run away to US at 18. Worked below minimum wage job while attending college here (paying international rates). Didn't qualify for student loans. Bought my parents a home and a car right after graduation. Wasn't cheap as it was all in euros. I retired decades before most people think of retirement.
I have great work ethic and money skill. My own kids are very independent and can go for months without seeing parents.
"Failure to launch" is just not in the cards. Maybe the next generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of kids are getting to college only to be completely exhausted. They have been pushed so hard from an early age to excel. College (or their first "real job") is built up to the point that it is supposed to be everything. These kids go to college (or into the workplace) and are underwhelmed. Is this all there is? I worked so hard all those years for this? everyone always told me this would be the best thing ever. I feel betrayed, and disappointed that I fell for all that growing up. It's a sham.

That is what they are thinking.

I agree with this and will add that the current situation with college is creating enormous anxiety and insecurity problems. You have to be perfect and even then will likely do worse than your parents did in terms of admission. The cost is astronomical so kids are going to schools less likely to lead to good jobs and coming out with mountains of debt. They are experiencing down ward mobility while others are stepping over them. The only way to hang on is to grind harder than the cheaters and other grinders.

There’s no room to take risks and learn from failure. There’s no reward for loving learning and hard work. There’s no reward for being ethical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I immigrated from a culture where most people live in multi-generational families. In our society, no one fails to launch. People may not be earning a living but those who are at home are taking care of the home, family and social obligations.

My brother lost his job 5 yrs ago. He is 60 now. His wife is the breadwinner. He does projects at home. House repair, additions, medical care, veggi garden, selling of property, consolidating investments. He is busy as hell and will rake in big amounts of money with selling his property (he used to buy land for cheap at one point in life).

I was just thinking maybe my Mother was “failure to launch”. She went from her parents house to marrying my dad and shortly after being a SAHM. My dad died and she didn’t earn enough substitute teaching to pay for the house and living expenses and they were living off his pension. So she moved in with my husband and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I immigrated from a culture where most people live in multi-generational families. In our society, no one fails to launch. People may not be earning a living but those who are at home are taking care of the home, family and social obligations.

My brother lost his job 5 yrs ago. He is 60 now. His wife is the breadwinner. He does projects at home. House repair, additions, medical care, veggi garden, selling of property, consolidating investments. He is busy as hell and will rake in big amounts of money with selling his property (he used to buy land for cheap at one point in life).

A 55 YO, by definition, is not a failure to launch. We're talking about people in their late teens - 20s.

Are "we"? A 55YO who still lives with their parents and can't hold down a full-time job despite having no clear psychological or cognitive impairments is very much a failure to launch.

A married 55YO who makes themselves useful is various ways is not a failure to launch.

I am in my 50s and a lot of my friends have sibling who we think of as having failed to launch. My BIL, for example, lived with my ILs until they died and just got his first full-time salaried position despite having a master's degree.

Just because he has a masters degree does not mean there are no psychological or neurological issues. Or maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of kids are getting to college only to be completely exhausted. They have been pushed so hard from an early age to excel. College (or their first "real job") is built up to the point that it is supposed to be everything. These kids go to college (or into the workplace) and are underwhelmed. Is this all there is? I worked so hard all those years for this? everyone always told me this would be the best thing ever. I feel betrayed, and disappointed that I fell for all that growing up. It's a sham.

That is what they are thinking.

Such nonsense. Only a very, very tiny subset of American teens are pushed like this by overbearing parents. And even then, it's not even those overachieving kids who are crashing and burning and failing to launch! Those failing to launch are the normal American kids, largely boys, who had a normal and comfortable upbringing.

Agree.

The problem is not the tiny tip of energizer bunny overachievers, it’s the large mass of chronic underachievers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BIL and his family have lived with MIL for most of their marriage (15 years). They co-purchase real estate with her and she pays for their food and cell phone bills (that we know of).

DH and I moved out of my parents after I paid off my student loans 10+ years ago.

The above is often cultural, that’s a very “old country” way of launching. Live w parents until and after marriage. Multigenerational homes beyond age 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of kids are getting to college only to be completely exhausted. They have been pushed so hard from an early age to excel. College (or their first "real job") is built up to the point that it is supposed to be everything. These kids go to college (or into the workplace) and are underwhelmed. Is this all there is? I worked so hard all those years for this? everyone always told me this would be the best thing ever. I feel betrayed, and disappointed that I fell for all that growing up. It's a sham.

That is what they are thinking.

I agree with this and will add that the current situation with college is creating enormous anxiety and insecurity problems. You have to be perfect and even then will likely do worse than your parents did in terms of admission. The cost is astronomical so kids are going to schools less likely to lead to good jobs and coming out with mountains of debt. They are experiencing down ward mobility while others are stepping over them. The only way to hang on is to grind harder than the cheaters and other grinders.

There’s no room to take risks and learn from failure. There’s no reward for loving learning and hard work. There’s no reward for being ethical.

Yikes, what a Debbie downer.

Are you guys in a large public school rate race place or something? Try private school and calm down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I immigrated from a culture where most people live in multi-generational families. In our society, no one fails to launch. People may not be earning a living but those who are at home are taking care of the home, family and social obligations.

My brother lost his job 5 yrs ago. He is 60 now. His wife is the breadwinner. He does projects at home. House repair, additions, medical care, veggi garden, selling of property, consolidating investments. He is busy as hell and will rake in big amounts of money with selling his property (he used to buy land for cheap at one point in life).

A 55 YO, by definition, is not a failure to launch. We're talking about people in their late teens - 20s.

Are "we"? A 55YO who still lives with their parents and can't hold down a full-time job despite having no clear psychological or cognitive impairments is very much a failure to launch.

A married 55YO who makes themselves useful is various ways is not a failure to launch.

I am in my 50s and a lot of my friends have sibling who we think of as having failed to launch. My BIL, for example, lived with my ILs until they died and just got his first full-time salaried position despite having a master's degree.

Just because he has a masters degree does not mean there are no psychological or neurological issues. Or maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence.

This. Plus even IQ doesn’t correlate to EQ or being employable. Or in a long term relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of kids are getting to college only to be completely exhausted. They have been pushed so hard from an early age to excel. College (or their first "real job") is built up to the point that it is supposed to be everything. These kids go to college (or into the workplace) and are underwhelmed. Is this all there is? I worked so hard all those years for this? everyone always told me this would be the best thing ever. I feel betrayed, and disappointed that I fell for all that growing up. It's a sham.

That is what they are thinking.

I agree with this and will add that the current situation with college is creating enormous anxiety and insecurity problems. You have to be perfect and even then will likely do worse than your parents did in terms of admission. The cost is astronomical so kids are going to schools less likely to lead to good jobs and coming out with mountains of debt. They are experiencing down ward mobility while others are stepping over them. The only way to hang on is to grind harder than the cheaters and other grinders.

There’s no room to take risks and learn from failure. There’s no reward for loving learning and hard work. There’s no reward for being ethical.

Yikes, what a Debbie downer.

Are you guys in a large public school rate race place or something? Try private school and calm down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I immigrated from a culture where most people live in multi-generational families. In our society, no one fails to launch. People may not be earning a living but those who are at home are taking care of the home, family and social obligations.

My brother lost his job 5 yrs ago. He is 60 now. His wife is the breadwinner. He does projects at home. House repair, additions, medical care, veggi garden, selling of property, consolidating investments. He is busy as hell and will rake in big amounts of money with selling his property (he used to buy land for cheap at one point in life).

Ha. I come from a very similar culture, and there are plenty of failure to launch kids. Mostly male.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know anyone in dh's family or mine who failed to launch. Big families too.

Then again, my mom had a complete breakdown when I lived at her house the summer after college. I had accepted a job offer in the federal government, but the background check took until October (I had a paid internship in NY from May- August). She lost her mind with what a disappointment I was to her. She even locked me out until I came back with a job at fast food or Target. I can't imagine what she would have done with a kid who just bummed for years. It still upsets me that I couldn't enjoy the 2.5 months I had between college and working.

I think I remember this - did you post about it at the time? I’m sorry that happened.

[Anonymous]

Mental disorders

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of the ones I know are men, some elderly now. They all likely had undiagnosed mental or emotional issues. They all never had steady female relationships, even though some were attractive. They just couldn't hold down a job, a relationship and also most had drinking or drug problems. Each one had at least one relative that would help them out or allow them to live with them. Otherwise, they may have been homeless or in jail.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see this discussed a lot on here. Is there like one in every family, or is it only a disfavored few in society? Does it happen more to men than women these days?

In my family it correlated with undiagnosed and untreated mental illness (my mother’s siblings and cousins, offspring of a generation where you didn’t talk about such things).

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you consider a "failure to launch"?

A 25 year old who lives with his parents and hasn't worked or done any schooling since graduating high school?

A 45 year old who isn't a coupled homeowner in a career job?

is the 45 year old living at home and/or working a job?

Pp said they were in a career job.

I meant NOT a coupled homeowner in a career job. So like 45 year old who works, but not really in a stable or well paid career, rents an apartment, and doesn't have a romantic partner or kids.

I would say this person is launched but struggling and on the verge of failing. The people that have 1 to 2 year job lengths at every place and get assistance from the government and family.