Pros v. Cons: domestic and international adoption
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Anonymous
| New to thinking about adoption and I am curious as to how people choose to pursue domestic or international adoption? Is one less likely to result in SN children? Is there some sort of age component (i.e. one with greater availability of younger or older children)? Is it some sort of desire to have a kid that is or is not a specific race? |
Anonymous
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I chose international adoption for the following reasons:
1) many (not all, but many) domestic adoptions are "open" to some extent and mandate continued involvement with the biological family. I did not want to have to have my parenting continually second-guessed by a biological parent and I think---based upon what I have seen friends who DID choose that route---that it is often confusing for the child. We actually have maintained some limited connection with my DC's biological family but that has been at our choice and we would have severed it if we had ever thought that it was damaging to our DC. 2) I was exhausted after years of fertility treatment and just did not feel up to the social complexities of transracial adoption. We did, however, feel like we could tackle older child adoption. I think that is just a highly personal decision. 3) Any instance where a child is coming from a situation of poor prenatal care and potential early childhood neglect is going to increase the odds of SN. 4) Most any adoption agency program---whether domestic or intl--will have criteria regarding age and family status. Domestic programs are more open to same-sex couples, many intl. programs are not. Some programs will allow only married couples to adopt and will require the couple to have been married for a certain period of time prior to adoption and most programs will have some type of age criteria for the parents linked to the age of the child being adopted, e.g., most programs will not allow a 50 yo to do infant adoption, while they will permit them to adopt a 10 yo. Good luck. But understand that adoption is complex and involves issues of loss and grief. I am glad we did it but it has often been very challenging. I sometimes look at my friends who had safe, secure wanted pregnancies, neurotypical children, and secure attached relationships with them, and am a little jealous about how easy their family seems compared to the challenges my family navigates. Just as I think my children look at families like that and grieve that they did not grow up from infancy in a stable loving home with their biological family. |
Anonymous
| Int'l adoption can be fraught with peril. All it takes is one international snafu and the other country can cut off the adoptive parents. This happened to plenty of kids in Kyrgyzstan and Russia who already had American families committed to them. So heartbreaking. Just go in eyes wide open. Your child is out there <3. |
Anonymous
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For me, it was helpful to try and decouple facts vs. personal preferences (or opinions or bias). I recommend speaking with experts who work in the adoption field in addition to adoptive parents.
Generally speaking, the following fact-based considerations apply: With international adoption, you are working outside of US systems. Unless you have contacts with deep and extensive networks in the country you are adopting from, in many countries, there is no information on the circumstances which led to the child's placement for adoption. Obviously there is limited information in the US, but there are guidelines in place in terms of TPR and documentation, etc. If you are considering infant adoption, usually the children adopted from overseas are older. Typically the youngest kids adopted from overseas are 2-3 years old. In the US, newborns are often placed with adoptive families. There are plenty of older children in the US that are adopted too. In domestic adoptions, you can choose to either adopt transracially, a child the same race as you, or open to either depending on circumstance. Many US adoptions are 'open' which means visits and/or communication with the child's biological family. Below are my spouse and my own personal opinions and biases which influenced our adoption journey: Experience with friends and families members who adopted domestically. It was something that we had familiarity with before starting the adoption process. Preference to adopt at newborn age Anecdotal scenarios with families who adopted overseas who felt misled and lied to on the circumstances around the child's background Anecdotal experience with adoptees sharing their identity struggles and desire to understand where they came from Wishing you the best. I know adoptive parents who have adopted internationally, via the foster care system, and privately; who all say it is the best thing they have done. |
Anonymous
| Please talk to adoptees. Adoption is trauma. Domestic adoption is fraught with deceptive, coercive practices that prey on vulnerable mothers. International adoption can be much worse; straight up baby stealing and baby buying sometimes. |
Anonymous
Some, not all. Adoption is not trauma for all either but clearly for you. |
Anonymous
Agree that ADOPTION IS NOT TRAUMA. - Adoptive mom |
Anonymous
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For years there has been a poster on every adoption thread here who talks about how awful adoption is. She posts and replies to herself on all these threads. Just talk to folks you know and ignore the adoption hater(s) on this board.
-- single Mom by choice of my daughter, adopted from Vietnam in 2000; she herself cannot wait to adopt from Vietnam after college/grad school (no trauma or drama) |
Anonymous
I am the poster above (the nice one!) My daughter is Vietnamese, too- born in Texas. Congrats to us! Mine is 7. How old is your daughter? |
Anonymous
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I agree that there is a poster who regularly posts about trauma. But I also know that adoption is trauma and that some kids weather it well and some do not. I have three adopted kids - two international and one through foster care. Of the three one has not weathered the trauma at all and is truly tortured.
I don’t think international adoption is that easy - back in the day there was no question about it you’d get a child, but only when. But there is something to be said about not having the option of open adoptions. I am not saying they are good or bad but only that it is one more decision you can’t second guess. I think the most important thing to consider is whether you are capable of parenting a child with FAS and attachment issues (both of which are spectrum issues). Two of my three have FAS. Good luck on your endeavor. Our road has been tough but I don’t regret our decision. Every kid deserves a chance and every kid deserves a family that loves them to the end of the earth unconditionally and my kids have that. |
Anonymous
It very much depends on the person, who is adopted, how they were adopted and much more. Foster to adopt there will probably be more trauma because there is abuse, substance abuse, mental health issue and more involved as kids are removed from the home. Same with international. But, to generalize that all kids have adoption trauma is untrue. It also depends on if the adoption was ethical or not. But, you can grow up in with your biological family and be similar issues and equal if not more trauma. And, you can give birth and have children with SN. |
Anonymous
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I am not the trauma poster and have an adopted son, internationally. I do think that if you adopt, you need to do so with your eyes wide open and with a knowledge of adoption trauma and attachment. Many of the parents of adoptees who don't see the long term consequences of adoption are those who have younger kids. That being said, the reality is that these kids are going to experience trauma regardless because they placed for adoption so it your job as a parent to provide the best situation possible and to not pretend that it doesn't exist.
Also, please don't let this scare you off. Adoption is a wonderful thing and as others have said, not all kids experience loss, attachment issues or trauma. Just be aware that it exists and it very hard as a parent to reconcile and even harder for the child. |
Anonymous
| I am one of the PP. Another thing I would add is that I think if you do adopt any child that is not an infant, then you should make therapy an integral part of your childhood routine in order to surface and address any trauma or attachment issues. In our case, we had a DC (with FAS) whose struggles were so significant that we focused on that instead of on DC's sibling, who seemed to be adjusting so much better and had no interest in therapy. However, now that child is a young adult, I see behavioral patterns in relationships with friends, significant others, and with us that reflect unresolved trauma and attachment issues, but I no longer have the ability to require therapy the way I could have if we had addressed it earlier. I regret missing that opportunity. |
Anonymous
| I am an adoptive mom and also adopted myself. We’d adopted internationally. There is definitely trauma involved. It can be mild or severe but anytime a child is removed from a home and culture or family of origin there will be lingering issues. Any parent who says otherwise is in denial and probably not a great adoptive parent. |
Anonymous
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America right now actually has an abundance of babies and children that need to be adopted because of the heroin crisis and growing poverty.
And YES- some of these babies are COMPLETELY healthy. Domestic > international. |