When teen says something that is really damaging to relationship

[Anonymous]

We were camping this weekend and my 17 year old DC was sitting next to me. I look at his leg and thought I saw a tick so I reached out to touch it -- think side of thigh by knee. He slapped my hand and said something to the affect that what I was doing was assault. I was taken aback by it but sort of let it go since he was clearly irritated with me. Later that evening I asked him what he meant and why would he say that. He told me that what I was doing was touching him against his will and that was sexual assault. Up until this point we have been an extremely close family. We have had no problem staying at home together, travel all the time together and are big huggers. I was shocked that he said that. I told my DH what he said and he talked to him. But I couldn't stop crying so I ended up leaving early to drive back home alone. When they all arrived home my DS said: sorry I said that. I told him I found it really disturbing that he would say something like that to his mother but really couldn't talk more about it because it upset me all over again. Here we are on Tuesday and tiptoeing around each other. I am hurt and scared. I feel like there are times in your life you remember when something shifted in a relationship and I think this was it for us. I am supposed to drive him to college in a few weeks -- and have told my DH that I now think another kid or someone needs to come with us. I am worried about being alone with him at all now. I can't sleep and I cry on and off all the time now. The others kids have no idea what is going on and I don't want to tell them anything. What do I do?

[Anonymous]

Op I am sorry this happened.

Kids/Teens say stupid things.

Maybe you should talk with him again. Listen to him, that will go a long way to putting this away. Then say I'm sorry I touched you without your permission. Meaning it or not doesn't matter. It will get the conversation started or moving or starting the process to move forward.

Point is something made him feel uncomfortable and you apologizing means he knows you heard him and that you are there for him to talk always.

Also, the conversation he had with your DH might need to be had again. Maybe he can try and find out why a simple touch was such a big deal. Or maybe it was nothing and your DS was just saying hey I'm not a baby anymore. Exerting his independence, obviously his words were strong.

There might be more to this than you know.

[Anonymous]

Wow, you need to get a grip. You completely overreacted and whatever weirdness is now occurring is 100% your fault.

I mean, really? You up and left the family camping trip?

Jesus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you need to get a grip. You completely overreacted and whatever weirdness is now occurring is 100% your fault.

I mean, really? You up and left the family camping trip?

Jesus.

It was clear my presence was making matters worse so I left on Sunday morning and they arrived home Sunday afternoon. You need to get a grip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were camping this weekend and my 17 year old DC was sitting next to me. I look at his leg and thought I saw a tick so I reached out to touch it -- think side of thigh by knee. He slapped my hand and said something to the affect that what I was doing was assault. I was taken aback by it but sort of let it go since he was clearly irritated with me. Later that evening I asked him what he meant and why would he say that. He told me that what I was doing was touching him against his will and that was sexual assault. Up until this point we have been an extremely close family. We have had no problem staying at home together, travel all the time together and are big huggers. I was shocked that he said that. I told my DH what he said and he talked to him. But I couldn't stop crying so I ended up leaving early to drive back home alone. When they all arrived home my DS said: sorry I said that. I told him I found it really disturbing that he would say something like that to his mother but really couldn't talk more about it because it upset me all over again. Here we are on Tuesday and tiptoeing around each other. I am hurt and scared. I feel like there are times in your life you remember when something shifted in a relationship and I think this was it for us. I am supposed to drive him to college in a few weeks -- and have told my DH that I now think another kid or someone needs to come with us. I am worried about being alone with him at all now. I can't sleep and I cry on and off all the time now. The others kids have no idea what is going on and I don't want to tell them anything. What do I do?

Take this as a wake up call.

You need to learn to respect boundaries and realize you are quite an invasive person.

Why didn't you say something to your child that you saw a tick on him? You could have asked "do you want me to check for you?" He is your child but it is his body. Respect that.

Maybe he doesn't like all the hugging.

And there is no reason to cry because someone provided you a boundary.

You should apologize to your DS for your terrible and childish behavior of leaving because someone told you "no, I don't like that"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you need to get a grip. You completely overreacted and whatever weirdness is now occurring is 100% your fault.

I mean, really? You up and left the family camping trip?

Jesus.

It was clear my presence was making matters worse so I left on Sunday morning and they arrived home Sunday afternoon. You need to get a grip.

Or was it clear that no one wanted to pander to your nonsense and wasn't tripping all over themselves to ask you what was wrong and to try and just do what you wanted so you would be happy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I am sorry this happened.

Kids/Teens say stupid things.

Maybe you should talk with him again. Listen to him, that will go a long way to putting this away. Then say I'm sorry I touched you without your permission. Meaning it or not doesn't matter. It will get the conversation started or moving or starting the process to move forward.

Point is something made him feel uncomfortable and you apologizing means he knows you heard him and that you are there for him to talk always.

Also, the conversation he had with your DH might need to be had again. Maybe he can try and find out why a simple touch was such a big deal. Or maybe it was nothing and your DS was just saying hey I'm not a baby anymore. Exerting his independence, obviously his words were strong.

There might be more to this than you know.

I was wondering if there was something more too it and why I asked my DH to speak to him. My immediate thought was maybe someone HAS touched him inappropriately. DH assured me that isn't the case. Your advice is good though. Once I can talk to him without crying I will. I have spent so much time with all my kids during Covid, maybe we are all going a bit crazy.

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP, I understand you're upset but it's pretty typical for teens to push away from their parents. In fact, it's kind of their job to do it just as it's your job to accept it and not take it personally. The fact that this is so upsetting to you - and I mean really upsetting - suggests that you don't have very good boundaries with your kids. Kids need to have some privacy with their bodies without their parents taking it as a personal rejection.

You're taking this waaaay too seriously but given that it means so much to you I would wonder if your teen doesn't feel a bit claustrophobic around you. Give him some space because he needs it, not because you're hurt and trying to punish him. And maybe talk to a therapist about this. I'm sure you're a loving mom but you can be an even better mom by learning to give him space.

[Anonymous]

You overreacted, OP.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. It would hurt to feel like your child accused you of being a molester. However, is it possible in this case he was more saying “in someone else that behavior would be an assault”? It seems like he’s trying to implement ideas about physical sovereignty plus trying to signal that he’s not a little kid, and it just came out badly and garbled. Try to scale back your reaction and talk to him, assuming that he doesn’t really think of you as a child molester.

[Anonymous]

I actually think, while yes, you overreacted a bit, in a weird way, you just taught him an important lesson, and I think this might move your relationship into a more mature place.

Basically - he said something stupid and overreacted to your reach. And it made you very, very upset. And he apologized. I think the lesson here is - words matter! You can't just say things without taking into account how people feel and how they will take it. He probably feels quite guilty now. Plus - you aren't just his "mom" you're also a person - who can get upset about stuff! Might be the first part of seeing you not just as a parent, but as a whole person, which is an important transition kids go through from ages 16-25.

That being said - 1) what's up with your comment about riding in the car and needing a chaperone? Are you actually concerned your kid would make up a story about you being an abuser if you were alone together?? Because that does seem like a crazy over-reaction, or there's something else going on here. I guess what I'm saying is - being hurt makes perfect sense. Being scared?? What's up with that? Do a little soul searching on where that fear is coming from, it seems bizarre

2) You now need to have a conversation with him (post soul searching mentioned above). It's okay if you cry in it. It's okay if it's awkward. This is another important lesson about relationships, about communication, about feelings. But you've got to give him a chance to explain his reaction. You've got to tell him you're glad he has personal boundaries about touching, and that will serve him well. You've got to apologize for touching him, and for overreacting to what he said. You've got to explain YOUR reaction, and how being accused of abuse is very serious, and upsetting. You've got to hear him out. That'll get you past the "tiptoeing" staging - and like I said above, really has the potential to move your relationship to a more mature place.

[Anonymous]

OP it's only damaging to the relationship because you are making it damaging. He said something that was stronger than he intended because he's a kid and they say and do dumb stuff. Your reaction, however, was like someone who doesn't have kids and doesn't know this. And who is fragile.

I would have said something like, "Really? Assault? I was just assaulting the tick on your leg. Who wants dessert?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were camping this weekend and my 17 year old DC was sitting next to me. I look at his leg and thought I saw a tick so I reached out to touch it -- think side of thigh by knee. He slapped my hand and said something to the affect that what I was doing was assault. I was taken aback by it but sort of let it go since he was clearly irritated with me. Later that evening I asked him what he meant and why would he say that. He told me that what I was doing was touching him against his will and that was sexual assault. Up until this point we have been an extremely close family. We have had no problem staying at home together, travel all the time together and are big huggers. I was shocked that he said that. I told my DH what he said and he talked to him. But I couldn't stop crying so I ended up leaving early to drive back home alone. When they all arrived home my DS said: sorry I said that. I told him I found it really disturbing that he would say something like that to his mother but really couldn't talk more about it because it upset me all over again. Here we are on Tuesday and tiptoeing around each other. I am hurt and scared. I feel like there are times in your life you remember when something shifted in a relationship and I think this was it for us. I am supposed to drive him to college in a few weeks -- and have told my DH that I now think another kid or someone needs to come with us. I am worried about being alone with him at all now. I can't sleep and I cry on and off all the time now. The others kids have no idea what is going on and I don't want to tell them anything. What do I do?

Take this as a wake up call.

You need to learn to respect boundaries and realize you are quite an invasive person.

Why didn't you say something to your child that you saw a tick on him? You could have asked "do you want me to check for you?" He is your child but it is his body. Respect that.

Maybe he doesn't like all the hugging.

And there is no reason to cry because someone provided you a boundary.

You should apologize to your DS for your terrible and childish behavior of leaving because someone told you "no, I don't like that"

She should absolutely follow his lead and respect his boundaries! But accusing your mom of attempted sexual assault for brushing a bug off your side knee is teen nonsense. Perfectly fine to say “hey, mom-next time please just point it out to me” or “no thanks to the hug, mom” and she should adhere to it without a peep, obviously. If my spouse accused me of se use assault bc I brushed lint off his pants it would naturally disturb me (though I would happily never do it again. Having said that-op, your son is a teen and teens are often black and white thinkers and many have a histrionic flair-no big deal. Tell him you are sorry snd you will respect his boundaries (and maybe have dad touch base abt the hissy fit he threw.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it's only damaging to the relationship because you are making it damaging. He said something that was stronger than he intended because he's a kid and they say and do dumb stuff. Your reaction, however, was like someone who doesn't have kids and doesn't know this. And who is fragile.

I would have said something like, "Really? Assault? I was just assaulting the tick on your leg. Who wants dessert?"

This. And OP, I mean this kindly, but is this a typical reaction from you? I just can’t imagine reacting this way; it seems so over the top I wonder if you have some sort of trauma in your past. I think the weirdness is 100% you.

[Anonymous]

Your reaction is over the top. You don’t want to be alone with him bc you think he will accuse you of sexual abuse?? You are blowing things up and I think you are doing it on purpose. You must know that if he really wanted to falsely accuse you of anything he could just Talk about any other previous time you had been alone. I think you want to punish him for hurting his feelings. I have a feeling he will need a lot of therapy to deal with your dramatic behavior.