When teen says something that is really damaging to relationship

[Anonymous]

OP, your reaction seems completely over the top based on your account of what happened. Ok, yes, your DS' comment was surprising and hurtful to you, but running away and hiding isn't the way to handle that. You are the adult here. It is on YOU to manage your emotions and find a way to address this with your son in a constructive way.

Also, I honestly don't know why you would be "hurt and scared" by this exchange. Your DS was telling you to leave him alone. He was being a smart-ass and was very rude - he could've chosen different, less accusatory language - but address that just like you would any other rude behavior. It's fine if he doesn't want you to touch him, but he needs to find a better way of saying that. Also, not every unwanted touching is sexual assault, and if he's going to throw out those types of accusations, he'd better make sure he understands what he saying and what it means.

You are making a mountain out of a molehill. There is no reason this should cause a shift in your relationship. Teenagers can be jerks and don't always have a full understanding of how their words and actions impact others - and they often worse as the time to leave for college draws nearer. Sit down and talk with your son before irreparable harm is done.

[Anonymous]

Why are you all so hard on OP? I'm a mom of a teen son and I would be devastated if he said this to me. And imagine if a daughter said that to her dad, it would be grounds for a child services intervention. OP, that sounds like a tough situation, but to be honest it's hard for us to give helpful advice without knowing a lot about the tone in which he said it, the context of your relationship, past communication around this issue, etc. This may be a good time for a family therapist, because his comment clearly wasn't fair or normal, and the fact that you're so upset is also indicative of underlying problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were camping this weekend and my 17 year old DC was sitting next to me. I look at his leg and thought I saw a tick so I reached out to touch it -- think side of thigh by knee. He slapped my hand and said something to the affect that what I was doing was assault. I was taken aback by it but sort of let it go since he was clearly irritated with me. Later that evening I asked him what he meant and why would he say that. He told me that what I was doing was touching him against his will and that was sexual assault. Up until this point we have been an extremely close family. We have had no problem staying at home together, travel all the time together and are big huggers. I was shocked that he said that. I told my DH what he said and he talked to him. But I couldn't stop crying so I ended up leaving early to drive back home alone. When they all arrived home my DS said: sorry I said that. I told him I found it really disturbing that he would say something like that to his mother but really couldn't talk more about it because it upset me all over again. Here we are on Tuesday and tiptoeing around each other. I am hurt and scared. I feel like there are times in your life you remember when something shifted in a relationship and I think this was it for us. I am supposed to drive him to college in a few weeks -- and have told my DH that I now think another kid or someone needs to come with us. I am worried about being alone with him at all now. I can't sleep and I cry on and off all the time now. The others kids have no idea what is going on and I don't want to tell them anything. What do I do?

Take this as a wake up call.

You need to learn to respect boundaries and realize you are quite an invasive person.

Why didn't you say something to your child that you saw a tick on him? You could have asked "do you want me to check for you?" He is your child but it is his body. Respect that.

Maybe he doesn't like all the hugging.

And there is no reason to cry because someone provided you a boundary.

You should apologize to your DS for your terrible and childish behavior of leaving because someone told you "no, I don't like that"

He didn't say "no, I don't like that." He told her that what she did was sexual assault. I am not taking a position on her reaction, but you don't do your position any favors by changing what he said entirely. If he had said, "No, I don't like that," i suspect that OP would never have made this post. Provide her feedback on what actually happened, even if it is the same feedback in the end.

[Anonymous]

Responses here are interesting. If a woman accused a man of sexual assault because he brushed lint off her you would all say she's nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually think, while yes, you overreacted a bit, in a weird way, you just taught him an important lesson, and I think this might move your relationship into a more mature place.

Basically - he said something stupid and overreacted to your reach. And it made you very, very upset. And he apologized. I think the lesson here is - words matter! You can't just say things without taking into account how people feel and how they will take it. He probably feels quite guilty now. Plus - you aren't just his "mom" you're also a person - who can get upset about stuff! Might be the first part of seeing you not just as a parent, but as a whole person, which is an important transition kids go through from ages 16-25.

That being said - 1) what's up with your comment about riding in the car and needing a chaperone? Are you actually concerned your kid would make up a story about you being an abuser if you were alone together?? Because that does seem like a crazy over-reaction, or there's something else going on here. I guess what I'm saying is - being hurt makes perfect sense. Being scared?? What's up with that? Do a little soul searching on where that fear is coming from, it seems bizarre

2) You now need to have a conversation with him (post soul searching mentioned above). It's okay if you cry in it. It's okay if it's awkward. This is another important lesson about relationships, about communication, about feelings. But you've got to give him a chance to explain his reaction. You've got to tell him you're glad he has personal boundaries about touching, and that will serve him well. You've got to apologize for touching him, and for overreacting to what he said. You've got to explain YOUR reaction, and how being accused of abuse is very serious, and upsetting. You've got to hear him out. That'll get you past the "tiptoeing" staging - and like I said above, really has the potential to move your relationship to a more mature place.

I'm the PP - I just read some of the other posts, and I want to agree that you also need to respect his boundaries generally, and that's something you clearly have to work on. Something else to bring up in your conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you all so hard on OP? I'm a mom of a teen son and I would be devastated if he said this to me. And imagine if a daughter said that to her dad, it would be grounds for a child services intervention. OP, that sounds like a tough situation, but to be honest it's hard for us to give helpful advice without knowing a lot about the tone in which he said it, the context of your relationship, past communication around this issue, etc. This may be a good time for a family therapist, because his comment clearly wasn't fair or normal, and the fact that you're so upset is also indicative of underlying problems.

Because she totally overreacted. No one is saying she can't be upset, but to leave the family camping trip early by herself and not even be able to carry on a conversation with her son about this after he came home with everyone else? And she can't stop crying and is now worried about driving her DS to college. Way too much drama.

[Anonymous]

Has he ever indicated that he would be less touchy-feely and you ignored it? Maybe he snapped because you've ignored his previous more polite hints about boundaries and behavior.

In any event, your reaction sounds way over the top. It reminds me of posts where adults complain about their parents and ILs with no boundaries and who start crying and carrying on whenever people around them try to enforce boundaries. With their over-the-top reaction, they make it all about their own hurt feelings (and try to get sympathy so people will rush to soothe them) rather about their original transgression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you need to get a grip. You completely overreacted and whatever weirdness is now occurring is 100% your fault.

I mean, really? You up and left the family camping trip?

Jesus.

+1. YOU are the problem here OP. You are also supposedly the adult, although you're acting like an immature kid yourself. Grow up and be parent.

Sometimes you just have to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you all so hard on OP? I'm a mom of a teen son and I would be devastated if he said this to me. And imagine if a daughter said that to her dad, it would be grounds for a child services intervention. OP, that sounds like a tough situation, but to be honest it's hard for us to give helpful advice without knowing a lot about the tone in which he said it, the context of your relationship, past communication around this issue, etc. This may be a good time for a family therapist, because his comment clearly wasn't fair or normal, and the fact that you're so upset is also indicative of underlying problems.

"Devastated?" Geeze. You people need some serious therapy.

[Anonymous]

You need to re-teach him the concept of assault. And what sexual assault is. Because touching someone near their knee when they are your mother is NOT sexual assault.

He really needs to learn these nuances before he goes to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were camping this weekend and my 17 year old DC was sitting next to me. I look at his leg and thought I saw a tick so I reached out to touch it -- think side of thigh by knee. He slapped my hand and said something to the affect that what I was doing was assault. I was taken aback by it but sort of let it go since he was clearly irritated with me. Later that evening I asked him what he meant and why would he say that. He told me that what I was doing was touching him against his will and that was sexual assault. Up until this point we have been an extremely close family. We have had no problem staying at home together, travel all the time together and are big huggers. I was shocked that he said that. I told my DH what he said and he talked to him. But I couldn't stop crying so I ended up leaving early to drive back home alone. When they all arrived home my DS said: sorry I said that. I told him I found it really disturbing that he would say something like that to his mother but really couldn't talk more about it because it upset me all over again. Here we are on Tuesday and tiptoeing around each other. I am hurt and scared. I feel like there are times in your life you remember when something shifted in a relationship and I think this was it for us. I am supposed to drive him to college in a few weeks -- and have told my DH that I now think another kid or someone needs to come with us. I am worried about being alone with him at all now. I can't sleep and I cry on and off all the time now. The others kids have no idea what is going on and I don't want to tell them anything. What do I do?

Take this as a wake up call.

You need to learn to respect boundaries and realize you are quite an invasive person.

Why didn't you say something to your child that you saw a tick on him? You could have asked "do you want me to check for you?" He is your child but it is his body. Respect that.

Maybe he doesn't like all the hugging.

And there is no reason to cry because someone provided you a boundary.

You should apologize to your DS for your terrible and childish behavior of leaving because someone told you "no, I don't like that"

He didn't say "no, I don't like that." He told her that what she did was sexual assault. I am not taking a position on her reaction, but you don't do your position any favors by changing what he said entirely. If he had said, "No, I don't like that," i suspect that OP would never have made this post. Provide her feedback on what actually happened, even if it is the same feedback in the end.

Here's the thing - there are 17 years of history here of which we are not aware. I'm not prepared to say OP's acted inappropriately without knowing that history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you all so hard on OP? I'm a mom of a teen son and I would be devastated if he said this to me. And imagine if a daughter said that to her dad, it would be grounds for a child services intervention. OP, that sounds like a tough situation, but to be honest it's hard for us to give helpful advice without knowing a lot about the tone in which he said it, the context of your relationship, past communication around this issue, etc. This may be a good time for a family therapist, because his comment clearly wasn't fair or normal, and the fact that you're so upset is also indicative of underlying problems.

Because she totally overreacted. No one is saying she can't be upset, but to leave the family camping trip early by herself and not even be able to carry on a conversation with her son about this after he came home with everyone else? And she can't stop crying and is now worried about driving her DS to college. Way too much drama.

All this.

OP, I remember as a young teen threatening something like, "That's abuse; I'm calling CPS" after being grounded and getting into a shouting match with my dad over something dumb. I think he had also taken the phone from my room and I declared it as abuse.

My dad rolled his eyes and walked away. Kids are idiots from time to time.

[Anonymous]

Your teen is stupid and disrespectful. He was pissed with you and did not want to be near you. When you touched him he slapped your hand away and then felt stupid because you were touching him to brush off the tick. To save face he made up the excuse that touching him without permission is like sexual assault.

He needs a good talking to for behaving like a POS and trivializing sexual abuse and assault. Then he needs a good talking to for being a horrible person who can say such damaging things to his mom without any basis.

Finally, he needs a lot more parenting from you. It does not help that your reaction is hurt feelings and being dramatic and escalating this. It does not help that you are curled up in a fetal position instead of telling him to straighten up.

Sheesh! White people problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to re-teach him the concept of assault. And what sexual assault is. Because touching someone near their knee when they are your mother is NOT sexual assault.

He really needs to learn these nuances before he goes to college.

Damn right!!

[Anonymous]

In general he is not a touchy kid. Never has been. My concern and hurt is that when I tried to clarify with him about it he upped it to sexual assault. It was just so out of the realm of normal to me and it did upset me. A lot. It wasn’t sexual. It was (and turned out to be) a tick on his leg. It does warrant further discussion but maybe I am not ready yet since my mind is still reeling. We went from joking around the fire to him accusing me of sexually assaulting him. Perhaps I shouldn’t have left early but I felt uncomfortable and he definitely felt uncomfortable so it seemed like the best thing for both of us.