When teen says something that is really damaging to relationship

[Anonymous]

Touching does not equal sexual. We will be raising a really weird generation if they think being touched is automatically sexual. How absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you not only over reacted but you made the situation about you. You didn’t even bother to hear him out. Maybe he has a close friend that confined in him that he/she was sexually assaulted and therefor, is a bit on edge now. Maybe he just read some articles about it. You took that moment and made it about you.

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She clearly over-reacted but this is nonsense. Her son is about to go to college-do you want him accusing his roommate of sexual assault for a pat on the back? Mom flipped but the son clearly needs some caring parental intervention abt histrionic antics.

[Anonymous]

OP here— oddly, thank you all. For whoever nailed it on my past I don’t know how you did it but thank you. Totally blocked all that out but my crying makes more sense now. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your son might be a sexual assault survivor.

I'm guessing OP is the survivor.

True. And it was in family and even my DH doesn’t know.

Ok. Wow. Haven’t thought about that in years.

I'm so sorry to hear that. This really clarifies your reaction. I think it would be worth it to explore this in therapy, even if it happened years ago.

I do think you have made this about you but now I understand why. I hope your son's reaction was due to being a ridiculous 17 year old boy and not due to some trauma he experienced.

My mom has a tendency to steamroll boundaries and then make it about her--"I'm your mother! I can do x!" It is pretty crappy and invalidating so I can understand why he might still be upset.
15:30 poster has some good advice on how to apologize and move forward. We should all be able to set boundaries for our own bodies and have them be respected. He definitely did not do a good job of expressing that this crossed a line for him but he is 17 and still figuring this stuff out. Might be better for your husband to be the one to talk to him about son's reaction.

[Anonymous]

You need to re-teach him the concept of assault. And what sexual assault is. Because touching someone near their knee when they are your mother is NOT sexual assault.

He really needs to learn these nuances before he goes to college.

Yep. And while I do think OP should have done more eye-rolling and less histrionics, I do think that son's reaction was typical of the GenZ Snowflake culture I spometimes see in my teens as well. Kids have been taught how not to be victimized or manipulated by predators without being taught how to have a sense of proportion. Consequently, they throw out terms like "assault" or being "disrespected" (now THAT's a teen term that makes my eyes roll) in situations where those terms are clearly hyperbole---except the kids don't understand that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your son might be a sexual assault survivor.

I'm guessing OP is the survivor.

True. And it was in family and even my DH doesn’t know.

Ok. Wow. Haven’t thought about that in years.

Well. i think this is a big part of why you reacted that way. What he said was stupid and uncool but it triggered you in a particular way due to your history. You might need to tell him about this—I think it would be enlightening for him to learn that words can have a different impact on people based on their life experiences.

OP, please do not tell your son about your history without processing with a therapist. PP: the son has a right to express his wish not to be touched — without burdening him with “triggering “ his mother’s past experience of abuse.

PP: Funny that you went there — instead of, say, noting that it might be enlightening for Mom — or anyone — to learn that TOUCHING can have a different impact on people based on their life experiences and personal wishes.

Imagine if when the son first reacted, his Mom had apologized for touching him without asking. Had she taken ownership of the impact of her behavior, the situation might not have spiraled into what has now become a huge issue for the whole family.

[Anonymous]

Op, just curious has he told you several times not to touch him? My mom would always touch me even when she knew I didn't enjoy it. And when I would ask her to stop the waterworks would start to guilt me "because she's my mom and how much I must dislike her if I don't want her to touch me". There were times I blew up because I was so sick of her disrespecting my wish not to be touched.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't stop crying so I ended up leaving early to drive back home alone

Stop with the drama, Op. The above was absolutely ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

OP here no he doesn’t or hasn’t asked me not to touch him in general. When I say we are huggers I mean we are close family. My kids have no problem snuggling up on the couch to watch a movie or giving me a hug before they go out for the evening. I don’t make them kiss me and don’t go into their rooms to wake them up by snuggling or anything. With him I know he isn’t as cuddly which is fine. He is 17. I don’t expect him to be kissing me. He has backne which he always wants me looking at. And has no problem with that. He is also extremely modest and is the only one one of my teens to knock before coming in my room because he doesn’t want to see me naked either. It was literally like wiping a mosquito off the outside of someone’s lower thigh.

[Anonymous]

Teens use all kinds of words wrong, or with the wrong emphasis. As I teen I once used the word "ravished" since I knew the word "ravishing. It was totally inappropriate. Said to a grown up and not what I meant.

Nevertheless, he doesn't like his Mother toughing him so much. Maybe you are not respecting him, enough, as an adult. As an adult make. He doesn't want to be a momma's boy. Maybe you're treating him, too much, like a young boy. My husband doesn't like if I were to reach up and push hair out of his face. That type of thing. Stop touching him now that you know he doesn't want that.

[Anonymous]

OP here no he doesn’t or hasn’t asked me not to touch him in general. When I say we are huggers I mean we are close family. My kids have no problem snuggling up on the couch to watch a movie or giving me a hug before they go out for the evening. I don’t make them kiss me and don’t go into their rooms to wake them up by snuggling or anything. With him I know he isn’t as cuddly which is fine. He is 17. I don’t expect him to be kissing me. He has backne which he always wants me looking at. And has no problem with that. He is also extremely modest and is the only one one of my teens to knock before coming in my room because he doesn’t want to see me naked either. It was literally like wiping a mosquito off the outside of someone’s lower thigh.

Op, you're odd. This doesn't help your case, at all. It almost makes me think TROLL. Why, oh why would you be mentioning naked. Really odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here no he doesn’t or hasn’t asked me not to touch him in general. When I say we are huggers I mean we are close family. My kids have no problem snuggling up on the couch to watch a movie or giving me a hug before they go out for the evening. I don’t make them kiss me and don’t go into their rooms to wake them up by snuggling or anything. With him I know he isn’t as cuddly which is fine. He is 17. I don’t expect him to be kissing me. He has backne which he always wants me looking at. And has no problem with that. He is also extremely modest and is the only one one of my teens to knock before coming in my room because he doesn’t want to see me naked either. It was literally like wiping a mosquito off the outside of someone’s lower thigh.

Op, you're odd. This doesn't help your case, at all. It almost makes me think TROLL. Why, oh why would you be mentioning naked. Really odd.

Yep. Agree. This whole “the only one of my teens who knocks before coming into my room because he doesn’t want to see me naked” was a TROLL giveaway.

[Anonymous]

OP here (and not a troll). It is very odd what sets some of you off. My 13 year old DD and 15 year old DD don't knock when coming in my room. It drives me crazy and then scream if they see me naked -- and doesn't seem that odd for kids that age.

All that said, I did talk to him. We had a great talk. So thank you to those who offered the advice to calm down and to just talk to him. It worked and we both feel better. He was being an idiot and I was too.

Non-troll signing off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teens use all kinds of words wrong, or with the wrong emphasis. As I teen I once used the word "ravished" since I knew the word "ravishing. It was totally inappropriate. Said to a grown up and not what I meant.

Nevertheless, he doesn't like his Mother toughing him so much. Maybe you are not respecting him, enough, as an adult. As an adult make. He doesn't want to be a momma's boy. Maybe you're treating him, too much, like a young boy. My husband doesn't like if I were to reach up and push hair out of his face. That type of thing. Stop touching him now that you know he doesn't want that.

Agreed. We talked about that too. He said as I sat down I ruffled his hair and then I went for the tick. Too much for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP. It would hurt to feel like your child accused you of being a molester. However, is it possible in this case he was more saying “in someone else that behavior would be an assault”? It seems like he’s trying to implement ideas about physical sovereignty plus trying to signal that he’s not a little kid, and it just came out badly and garbled. Try to scale back your reaction and talk to him, assuming that he doesn’t really think of you as a child molester.

You both might be really wound up about him going to college.

YOU: sad that your little boy is leaving and your relationship may never be as close as it once was.

HIM: confused/worried about the things that guys can be accused of at college. Perhaps even playing out/processing some consent training that he took or read.

I do think you over-reacted. Do you think you have anticipatory empty nest?

I get sad and irritable when I know my kid is about to leave. Because I prefer having us all together.

This will pass with time.