Outgrowing marriage

[Anonymous]

My husband is very good person- makes decent living, works hard, great dad but I feel like he's not intellectually challenging enough and I am running circles around him on figuring most things out.
He likes Fox News and espn--- which is fine, but never interested in reading or anything intellectual. I don't think he's read a book in our 15 years of marriage. He doesn't have much interesting to say and to discuss world events, watch a documentary - forget it. When anything breaks, he acts frustrated and gives up and I have to fix it. From a broken light to a broken pack n play. I handle most of our money decisions and financial planning. I get worn out as I would live someone who took care of that stuff for faymily.
I know marriage is constant work and our young kids would be devasted if we divorced, but I just feel constant frustration. He gets defensive when I get upset but I'm like, really- " you can't figure out how to work the shower in our rental vacation house". Pull and twist the knob a little harder.
But I can't help but feel frustrated and I know that isn't nice.
I make three times the money working too but that is primarily because of different industries. He used to make more.
I want to step back and let him take charge but feel like financially if I'm not taking control we won't be as set.
Overall how should I proceed and get over my feelings of frustration?

[Anonymous]

So what's the other guy's name?

[Anonymous]

How old were you when you married him?

[Anonymous]

I guess first question is what did you see in him when you got married?
You sound a bit like the grass is greener - what are his redeeming or good qualities? Can you join a book club once a week to fill your needs for book or intellectual talk?
I hate to generalize - but a lot of men are useless at the stuff you describe but bring a ton else to the table - I suck at a few things too like house keeping and my she picks up that slack -
Do you have anything you enjoy doing with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess first question is what did you see in him when you got married?
You sound a bit like the grass is greener - what are his redeeming or good qualities? Can you join a book club once a week to fill your needs for book or intellectual talk?
I hate to generalize - but a lot of men are useless at the stuff you describe but bring a ton else to the table - I suck at a few things too like house keeping and my she picks up that slack -
Do you have anything you enjoy doing with him?

My dh picks up for slack not my she - sorry iPhone auto correct

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? Honestly, you have to decide if what you have now is good enough for now and good enough forever. Sounds like it's not good enough for forever. Is it good enough to last until your youngest is in college? It sounds like you don't respect him, and that will eventually blow up somewhere. Even if you don't cheat, he may sense that and find someone that does respect him. You also sound tired, also. If you have enough money, outsource stuff and see what that does for your mood.

You only have one life to live, but at the same time the grass isn't always greener elsewhere. Only you know the equation that's right for you.

[Anonymous]

Why did you marry him?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my ex except for the not fixing things part, mine was great at fixing, building, power tools, etc.

He was also a really good dad and the kids loved him.

I found him somewhat boring as time went on, and that Fox news stuff can be a bit frustrating too.

We didn't split up until the youngest graduated from high school. I didn't see any reason to throw my kids' lives into chaos just because I had a low tolerance for boring.

[Anonymous]

You can't fix resentment.

But before you run away, think about how you might be the problem. You might be incapable of remaining in love. You might get bored or irritated and find you aren't willing to let it go. You might be apt to focus on the negative. And you definitely aren't the same catch you were 15 years ago.

[Anonymous]

I feel like you have two different issues here - are you frustrated he's boring or are you frustrated he's somewhat helpless? The helpless thing would be easy to fix - the boring, maybe not.

[Anonymous]

This sh*t make me furious because I was a child of divorce. You knew who he was when you stood at the alter in front of your friends and family, and promised for better or for worse. You knew who he was when you had kids. You CHOSE to have children with him (I'm asssuming, if you have more than one). . As far as I can tell from the OP he hasn't changed, he isn't addicted, he isn't abusive, he's a nice guy. He's the guy you said you would be with till death do you part.

Get counseling-- alone or separate and get your act together. You owe it to your kids to be a grownup and make it work. Once you have kids, it's about them first, not some notion you have of self fulfillment. Making your kids spend the rest of their lives living 1/2 time in each house and having no firm base and no permanent home, dividing Christmas, only spending half their birthdays with you is terrible. And someday, your kids will have kids-- and they will still spend only 1/2 the time with you they could. And I have zero respect for people who make the decision to put kids through this because they "outgrew" their spouse.

Get a sitter, find something in common (a concert series, a class, nice dinners) and spend time together. Fix your marriage, rather than deciding their are better fish in the sea. If you are a woman with multiple kids, there aren't, and single, 1/2 parenthood while paying to maintain 2 households is just not glamorous.

Also-- learned helplessness happens in a marriage where one partner is a control freak. Look in the mirror. I do but this is 100% your DH.

[Anonymous]

I married your female equivalent. Let me guess, husband is a nice person, not easy to meet a good guy, thought he would change. This just in - he isn't going to change but on top of that, you are enabling him. If something needs to get fixed, don't do it. Let him worry about it. It comes across that you have no respect for him.

[Anonymous]

First-- you may be worn out taking care of things. But as a single parent, you will take care of 100% of things. And pay him child support. And maybe alimony, since you significantly outearn him.

Secondly, the toughest years of marriage for many people are pre-kindergarten kids. Especially for two working parents, it is exhausting and difficult. Life is not your FB feed, where people post pics of cute kids doing cute things with heart emojis. It is toddler meltdowns over wearing shoes or cutting the sandwich the wrong way and staying up all night with a puking toddler, then trying to figure out which parent is going to miss their presentation at work to stay home with the sick kid. It is never getting enough personal time or sleep. It gets better, but in the meantime, you and your husband need to get on the same page and become a team. He's a great dad? Fantastic-- he takes the kids out for a couple hours on the weekend so you can do bookclub. Can he cook? He does dinner and you do laundry. Whatever it takes to work together.

[Anonymous]

So, you are saying your DH is stupid? And it is too hard being around him because he can't figure out much of anything? And what made you marry him, people don't become stupid out of the blue?

[Anonymous]

I'm not hearing anything that can't likely be improved with counseling. No red flags, nothing bad, nothing, frankly, that seems all that big a deal. I don't mean this in a snarky way but have you been screened for depression? Your annoyance and resentment just don't seem based on real issues. Sounds like you need a course correction in your marriage. Get some counseling.