Outgrowing marriage

[Anonymous]

OP sounds a bit full of herself. Poor husband. Nothing he does will ever be good enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my ex except for the not fixing things part, mine was great at fixing, building, power tools, etc.

He was also a really good dad and the kids loved him.

I found him somewhat boring as time went on, and that Fox news stuff can be a bit frustrating too.

We didn't split up until the youngest graduated from high school. I didn't see any reason to throw my kids' lives into chaos just because I had a low tolerance for boring.

See 17:07

[Anonymous]

Well did you know that he didn't read books or newspapers when you meet him? Life is short and I couldn't live that way. You make three times as much as he does and really he's a good dad but is there anything else?

[Anonymous]

sounds like half the men out there: total clueless in the life skills department.
constant disappointment.

[Anonymous]

"For better or worse, until I outgrow the marriage" <3

[Anonymous]

You are having a midlife crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My husband is very good person- makes decent living, works hard, great dad but I feel like he's not intellectually challenging enough and I am running circles around him on figuring most things out.
He likes Fox News and espn--- which is fine, but never interested in reading or anything intellectual. I don't think he's read a book in our 15 years of marriage. He doesn't have much interesting to say and to discuss world events, watch a documentary - forget it. When anything breaks, he acts frustrated and gives up and I have to fix it. From a broken light to a broken pack n play. I handle most of our money decisions and financial planning. I get worn out as I would live someone who took care of that stuff for faymily.
I know marriage is constant work and our young kids would be devasted if we divorced, but I just feel constant frustration. He gets defensive when I get upset but I'm like, really- " you can't figure out how to work the shower in our rental vacation house". Pull and twist the knob a little harder.
But I can't help but feel frustrated and I know that isn't nice.
I make three times the money working too but that is primarily because of different industries. He used to make more.
I want to step back and let him take charge but feel like financially if I'm not taking control we won't be as set.
Overall how should I proceed and get over my feelings of frustration?

You want man who will take charge and earns more. I mean the counter arguement will be I just want someone who does what I want him
to do and will watch etc etc. just get divorced and hook up with a jerk.

[Anonymous]

You are not outgrowing marriage.

[Anonymous]

You never "outgrow" a marriage. Find a common hobby, and find some individual ones. Some good advice I received when DH and I got married is that you can't ever expect your spouse to meet all of your needs. Join a book club if you're looking for more intellectual conversation. Hire a handyman if you're sick of fixing things yourself (I guarantee you, no matter how many times you need one, it will be cheaper than a divorce). Find happiness in your life outside of marriage. Don't tear apart a family because you think there's some Mr. Perfect out there... I promise you, there is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My husband is very good person- makes decent living, works hard, great dad but I feel like he's not intellectually challenging enough and I am running circles around him on figuring most things out.
He likes Fox News and espn--- which is fine, but never interested in reading or anything intellectual. I don't think he's read a book in our 15 years of marriage. He doesn't have much interesting to say and to discuss world events, watch a documentary - forget it. When anything breaks, he acts frustrated and gives up and I have to fix it. From a broken light to a broken pack n play. I handle most of our money decisions and financial planning. I get worn out as I would live someone who took care of that stuff for faymily.
I know marriage is constant work and our young kids would be devasted if we divorced, but I just feel constant frustration. He gets defensive when I get upset but I'm like, really- " you can't figure out how to work the shower in our rental vacation house". Pull and twist the knob a little harder.
But I can't help but feel frustrated and I know that isn't nice.
I make three times the money working too but that is primarily because of different industries. He used to make more.
I want to step back and let him take charge but feel like financially if I'm not taking control we won't be as set.
Overall how should I proceed and get over my feelings of frustration?

individual and couples therapy will help.

[Anonymous]

All I read was resentment, anger and bitterness from OP. Me, myself, and I. We are so awesome and amazing at everything! Except, where's the part about being a loving mother?

Do you already have a back-up ready to go? Are you looking for justification for your pre-made decision? Would coworkers and family members refer to you as a Control Freak? What do you do to keep the sexy going in your r/s? Sounds like you are so busy doing "everything" that you don't have any close and trusted friends to ask for honest feedback.

Try counseling. Just for yourself. After you are able to face the real issues, then consider marriage counseling. The only thing that really needs fixing right now is You.

[Anonymous]

Go find the child support calculator for your state, find out how much you will be paying him, and then come back and let us know if you still want to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Stop bailing him out of his helplessness. Tell him you are busy and he will have to figure it out on his own. Eventually if you are consistent, this will improve, and then you will be less annoyed by him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sh*t make me furious because I was a child of divorce. You knew who he was when you stood at the alter in front of your friends and family, and promised for better or for worse. You knew who he was when you had kids. You CHOSE to have children with him (I'm asssuming, if you have more than one). . As far as I can tell from the OP he hasn't changed, he isn't addicted, he isn't abusive, he's a nice guy. He's the guy you said you would be with till death do you part.

Get counseling-- alone or separate and get your act together. You owe it to your kids to be a grownup and make it work. Once you have kids, it's about them first, not some notion you have of self fulfillment. Making your kids spend the rest of their lives living 1/2 time in each house and having no firm base and no permanent home, dividing Christmas, only spending half their birthdays with you is terrible. And someday, your kids will have kids-- and they will still spend only 1/2 the time with you they could. And I have zero respect for people who make the decision to put kids through this because they "outgrew" their spouse.

Get a sitter, find something in common (a concert series, a class, nice dinners) and spend time together. Fix your marriage, rather than deciding their are better fish in the sea. If you are a woman with multiple kids, there aren't, and single, 1/2 parenthood while paying to maintain 2 households is just not glamorous.

Also-- learned helplessness happens in a marriage where one partner is a control freak. Look in the mirror. I do but this is 100% your DH.

You should seek consulting asap if divorce makes you this furious. Grow up. The world doesn't revolve around you.

[Anonymous]

This could have been written by my wife with the exception of the Fox News/ESPN part. She makes 3x what I do even though I make a strong living. I try to take on 50% of the household chores but our relationship is still very lopsided. She works obsessively and can't hand off responsibilities because she is unable to give up control. When I do take on a project she'll remain engaged and is very domineering about every little sub task. This causes us to get into arguments and creates tension in the house. I try to bring peace to our house by letting her run everything. This is not ideal but it's the balance (imbalance?) we've come to. Also, I should give her some credit in that she does a much better job at running everything than I probably would.

I love her dearly and would really be saddened if I thought she felt the way you do.