Outgrowing marriage

[Anonymous]

Just accept that the average man is useless. This is what I've come to figure out and I'm happier when I just pretend I'm a single woman again and have to do everything myself. I want my child to grow up with two parents, so I won't divorce my husband, but he's not much help. He can't even say that he's the breadwinner and so I should take care of everything else. I make 4 times his salary. He can't understand why some women don't want to get married. I think it's pretty obvious. When you have to do almost everything on your own, there really isn't much point in having a man around. It's just more work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sounds like half the men out there: total clueless in the life skills department.
constant disappointment.

As judged by women who have unilaterally moved the bar (the guy hasn't changed), are no longer are interested in sex, and are trying really hard to have as a partner in life a cat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just accept that the average man is useless. This is what I've come to figure out and I'm happier when I just pretend I'm a single woman again and have to do everything myself. I want my child to grow up with two parents, so I won't divorce my husband, but he's not much help. He can't even say that he's the breadwinner and so I should take care of everything else. I make 4 times his salary. He can't understand why some women don't want to get married. I think it's pretty obvious. When you have to do almost everything on your own, there really isn't much point in having a man around. It's just more work.

I'm a single mom, and this is so true. My ex was a complete drag and drain on my life, money, and energy. Life now is a bit tough, but was way worse when he was still in the picture!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This could have been written by my wife with the exception of the Fox News/ESPN part. She makes 3x what I do even though I make a strong living. I try to take on 50% of the household chores but our relationship is still very lopsided. She works obsessively and can't hand off responsibilities because she is unable to give up control. When I do take on a project she'll remain engaged and is very domineering about every little sub task. This causes us to get into arguments and creates tension in the house. I try to bring peace to our house by letting her run everything. This is not ideal but it's the balance (imbalance?) we've come to. Also, I should give her some credit in that she does a much better job at running everything than I probably would.

I love her dearly and would really be saddened if I thought she felt the way you do.

Dude ! Read the posts of course she does !! Get it together.

[Anonymous]

I married a Sci-fi and comic book guy. That's just who he is. I would never, ever expect him to change. I've even joined him watching some of the movies and Game Of Thrones.

Join a book group if you want to discuss books. If you make so much money, hire a handyman if DH isn't handy. Try to appreciate his good qualities and find things you like to do together.

In short: don't be a dickhead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just accept that the average man is useless. This is what I've come to figure out and I'm happier when I just pretend I'm a single woman again and have to do everything myself. I want my child to grow up with two parents, so I won't divorce my husband, but he's not much help. He can't even say that he's the breadwinner and so I should take care of everything else. I make 4 times his salary. He can't understand why some women don't want to get married. I think it's pretty obvious. When you have to do almost everything on your own, there really isn't much point in having a man around. It's just more work.

Get a cat ..... never be disappointed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not hearing anything that can't likely be improved with counseling. No red flags, nothing bad, nothing, frankly, that seems all that big a deal. I don't mean this in a snarky way but have you been screened for depression? Your annoyance and resentment just don't seem based on real issues. Sounds like you need a course correction in your marriage. Get some counseling.

I agree. If she divorces she'll have some real problems most likely. Men with kids from other women...lot's of not so fun stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not hearing anything that can't likely be improved with counseling. No red flags, nothing bad, nothing, frankly, that seems all that big a deal. I don't mean this in a snarky way but have you been screened for depression? Your annoyance and resentment just don't seem based on real issues. Sounds like you need a course correction in your marriage. Get some counseling.

I agree. If she divorces she'll have some real problems most likely. Men with kids from other women...lot's of not so fun stuff.

True, but her husband's prospects will surely improve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not hearing anything that can't likely be improved with counseling. No red flags, nothing bad, nothing, frankly, that seems all that big a deal. I don't mean this in a snarky way but have you been screened for depression? Your annoyance and resentment just don't seem based on real issues. Sounds like you need a course correction in your marriage. Get some counseling.

I agree. If she divorces she'll have some real problems most likely. Men with kids from other women...lot's of not so fun stuff.

True, but her husband's prospects will surely improve.

No it will be worse. Everyone at that age has kids from other people. Their kids will have to be with steps they don't want. He'll have kids at his house he probably isn't all that crazy about. I hear it all the time with divorced people who date or married for the 2nd time. Worse you'll have exes in your life you don't want either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not hearing anything that can't likely be improved with counseling. No red flags, nothing bad, nothing, frankly, that seems all that big a deal. I don't mean this in a snarky way but have you been screened for depression? Your annoyance and resentment just don't seem based on real issues. Sounds like you need a course correction in your marriage. Get some counseling.

I agree. If she divorces she'll have some real problems most likely. Men with kids from other women...lot's of not so fun stuff.

True, but her husband's prospects will surely improve.

No it will be worse. Everyone at that age has kids from other people. Their kids will have to be with steps they don't want. He'll have kids at his house he probably isn't all that crazy about. I hear it all the time with divorced people who date or married for the 2nd time. Worse you'll have exes in your life you don't want either.

Nah, He'll get spousal support, child support and he can date on his 'off' weekends. He'll have no problem finding someone who likes him better than his current wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just accept that the average man is useless.

If you were dumb enough to marry an average "useless" man, that doesn't say much about your intelligence or good judgment.

[ddintysons]

Just accept that the average man is useless. This is what I've come to figure out and I'm happier when I just pretend I'm a single woman again and have to do everything myself. I want my child to grow up with two parents, so I won't divorce my husband, but he's not much help. He can't even say that he's the breadwinner and so I should take care of everything else. I make 4 times his salary. He can't understand why some women don't want to get married. I think it's pretty obvious. When you have to do almost everything on your own, there really isn't much point in having a man around. It's just more work.

I am so turned on by this poster. PM on its way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

In short: don't be a dickhead.

+1. Its amazing how many adult have never gotten this particular memo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sh*t make me furious because I was a child of divorce. You knew who he was when you stood at the alter in front of your friends and family, and promised for better or for worse. You knew who he was when you had kids. You CHOSE to have children with him (I'm asssuming, if you have more than one). . As far as I can tell from the OP he hasn't changed, he isn't addicted, he isn't abusive, he's a nice guy. He's the guy you said you would be with till death do you part.

Get counseling-- alone or separate and get your act together. You owe it to your kids to be a grownup and make it work. Once you have kids, it's about them first, not some notion you have of self fulfillment. Making your kids spend the rest of their lives living 1/2 time in each house and having no firm base and no permanent home, dividing Christmas, only spending half their birthdays with you is terrible. And someday, your kids will have kids-- and they will still spend only 1/2 the time with you they could. And I have zero respect for people who make the decision to put kids through this because they "outgrew" their spouse.

Get a sitter, find something in common (a concert series, a class, nice dinners) and spend time together. Fix your marriage, rather than deciding their are better fish in the sea. If you are a woman with multiple kids, there aren't, and single, 1/2 parenthood while paying to maintain 2 households is just not glamorous.

Also-- learned helplessness happens in a marriage where one partner is a control freak. Look in the mirror. I do but this is 100% your DH.

yep +1 couldn't have said it better.
~adult who is a child of divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My husband is very good person- makes decent living, works hard, great dad but I feel like he's not intellectually challenging enough and I am running circles around him on figuring most things out.
He likes Fox News and espn--- which is fine, but never interested in reading or anything intellectual. I don't think he's read a book in our 15 years of marriage. He doesn't have much interesting to say and to discuss world events, watch a documentary - forget it. When anything breaks, he acts frustrated and gives up and I have to fix it. From a broken light to a broken pack n play. I handle most of our money decisions and financial planning. I get worn out as I would live someone who took care of that stuff for faymily.
I know marriage is constant work and our young kids would be devasted if we divorced, but I just feel constant frustration. He gets defensive when I get upset but I'm like, really- " you can't figure out how to work the shower in our rental vacation house". Pull and twist the knob a little harder.
But I can't help but feel frustrated and I know that isn't nice.
I make three times the money working too but that is primarily because of different industries. He used to make more.
I want to step back and let him take charge but feel like financially if I'm not taking control we won't be as set.
Overall how should I proceed and get over my feelings of frustration?

I am on marriage #2. The reality of divorce can be really really really really painful and difficult. Most women end up going significantly down in terms of HHI and quality of life. Shuffling your kids around - not being able to see then when you want on your own terms -- and having to deal with the fact you lose most say in how they will be 'raised' during your non-custody times and the trauma you will put them through is likely going to be so much harder on you than you can conceive. You may think that you will meet Mr. Perfect in the next go round, but having dated for 8+ years between the first and second... the fish in the sea are often fowl. And trying to do that with young kids.... and how do you exposure your kids to that. and how you will expose your kids to your future exes dating life. My first husband was super handy & could fix nearly anything. My second can't use a hammer without hurting himself. And he has ADD -- so constantly forgets things. Do I resent that and feel lots of frustrations ... you betcha. I get how bad it can be to feel 'trapped' in a bad marriage. But just would take serious account of the realistic consequences of the action - really think about not just the 'freedom' but the negative consequences of it (and how much you will resent that your future ex will seem much better off than you will feel in so many ways...) Being nearly 50 now, I would also recommend thinking about a lot of what you are feeling as some normal mid-life crisis frustrations... that it's not about 'outgrowing' but often about 'growing up' and accepting that life isn't the rose garden we all thought it might be, although there are lots of flowers along the way, but you need to plant and tend to them.