If you have adult daughters, and you are close to them, how did you do it?

[Anonymous]

And the converse - if you are an adult now, and a woman, and have a really emotionally close relationship with your mom, what do you think she did or didn't do that helped the relationship?

My kids are young, but I seem to know soooo many women/friends, who have difficult relationships with their mothers, but a few have excellent ones and I always want to know what's the secret.

personally, I love my mom but I keep a lot from her, and I always have. I hope my own daughters can be a lot more open with me as they get older.

[Anonymous]

I am really close to my mom - I'm so thankful for that. We're actually a lot closer now than when I was a kid. I talk to her multiple times a week and call her for everything from major emotional crises to stupid cooking questions when I'm in the middle of making dinner.
I can't point to one specific thing, of course. I know that she totally respects my choices and my privacy, and that helps a lot, I think. She's got my back 100% and I won't hear an earful of "why don't you do this" or "you should have done that" when I talk to her. If I ask for advice she'll share it, but she seems to try really hard to respect me as an adult.

[Anonymous]

#1 thing that worked for my mom and I- When I went off to college she stopped parenting me, trusted my choices and became my best friend. Dad still harassed me about grades or friends and we still haven't ever formed a close relationship. Mom knows everything about my friends and is interested in them. We talk a lot about traveling, decorating and our relatives. We are extremely, extremely close.

That being said, she can be overbearing and I never hesitate to tell her no. DH never has to deal with her being overbearing because I always defer to him and respect his wishes (ie- don't tell your mom I'm having surgery, tell your mom we want to do Easter dinner our own way, tell your mom not to buy me more pajamas). She doesn't get upset either when I tell her to back off.

[Anonymous]

Dd is 21 and we are close. I think it was the combination of spending a lot of time with her, listening a lot and picking my battles. She never got in trouble for rolling her eyes or mumbling under her breath as she went to go do what I'd told her to. Those weren't the hills to die on when she was in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:#1 thing that worked for my mom and I- When I went off to college she stopped parenting me, trusted my choices and became my best friend. Dad still harassed me about grades or friends and we still haven't ever formed a close relationship. Mom knows everything about my friends and is interested in them. We talk a lot about traveling, decorating and our relatives. We are extremely, extremely close.

That being said, she can be overbearing and I never hesitate to tell her no. DH never has to deal with her being overbearing because I always defer to him and respect his wishes (ie- don't tell your mom I'm having surgery, tell your mom we want to do Easter dinner our own way, tell your mom not to buy me more pajamas). She doesn't get upset either when I tell her to back off.

11:23 here - I think that's a HUGE part of it. I know I can tell my mom that we're too busy for something or that I don't want to talk about something and she won't fly off the handle and feel like she DESERVES to know every detail and get her way. And because of that, I trust her to have involved in my life without worrying about her being inappropriately involved.

[Anonymous]

I don't know how to explain this.

It seems to me like my mother hid certain aspects of her personality when I was younger from me. Cattyness, gossipy maliciousness, and things of that sort. As an adult, this has been revealed and I sense she is often irked that I don't participate in the same behavior. She seems meaner.

It makes me resent the do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do stuff, and it makes me view her in an unflattering light.

We have a good bond but this bothers me daily.

[Anonymous]

My mother and I have a fine relationship, but we're not close. I'm very private and she's not at all. She also sees my preferences as a personal attack on her if they differ in any way from what she wants for herself or sees as her due. In short, she wouldn't know a boundary if it were labeled with flashing yellow stars.

So, basically, enjoy and respect who your kid is. And trust them, in age-appropriate ways.

[Anonymous]

Respect boundaries. Listen and use reflective listening to show you heard what she said. Be able to separate your emotions from hers and thus do not make her take care of your feelings. If you have anxiety or other troubles, be honest about how you manage it for yourself so she doesn't feel like she has to take care of it for you. And, really important, so she realizes that she can have feelings (sorrow, anger, anxiety) without expecting that it will make you feel bad and make you try to fix things for her.

Speaking from experience with my mom who tried to hide her anxiety but was in reality leaking it everywhere. Who panicked and went on the attack if something was going wrong in my life. And from watching my husband get all upset and clingy with dd when she is upset about something. He doesn't understand that he makes the problem about him and his feelings and therefore it feels oppressive to dd.

[Anonymous]

I'm very close to my mom, though she can certainly get on my nerves and vice versa. (She stays with us for a few months every winter and we are always excited to have her come and excited to have her leave).

I think my mom has a lot in common with some of the mothers other posters have praised above. She was always interested in me and my sister as people (i.e., didn't in any way see us as extensions of herself), and seemed to find our view point and choices intriguing. She always loved to listen to us describe our days, thoughts and feelings. She and my dad were not model parents in many ways, but they imparted a strong sense of traditional golden-rule type values, though we were not religious. She respected our need for space and independence, and supported us whenever we needed help. We don't have particularly similar personalities as she's super-friendly and extroverted and I'm much more analytical and reserved. But we always have fun talking and I value her advice a lot.

My daughter is still in high school, but I have a great relationship with her as well. Like my mom was with us, I find her (and my sons) just fascinating. I've made it clear to her that I think she's funny, smart and impressive, which I'm sure she appreciates on some level. If I think she's not making the best choice on non-major things, I tell her why I have concerns based on my experience, but I try hard not to be too controlling. She's very like me in some ways, but very different in others. She is one of those kids who needs almost no guidance to do the right thing, which makes us feel very grateful.

I think having a good sense of humor and a strong interest in other people are important if you want to have a good relationship with your mom, daughter, or anyone really.

[Anonymous]

I agree with pp about backing off on parenting after your kids leave for college. I'm in my mid twenties and my mom is my best friend, I talk to her almost daily. However, in high school especially senior year we did not get along at all, and both said some pretty horrible things to one another. When I left for college she REALLY backed off and made me feel like she trusted my desicions. It still took me a couple years after I left home to really have the great relationship I have with her today. She has always been a great listener and she makes me feel like no matter what happens she will always be there for me if I need her. We also both have a similar sense of humor and she is the only one I like to gossip with.

[Anonymous]

My brother, sister and I (a DD) are all very close with my mom. Honestly, she was the strictest parent in my group of friends growing up. We didn't get away with a thing. But although she was strict, she was very loving and very supportive. She always had our back. She's overall just a really great person. She made life fun and adventuresome. She does the same for her grandkids now. They love when she comes around because they know they're going to go do something cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother, sister and I (a DD) are all very close with my mom. Honestly, she was the strictest parent in my group of friends growing up. We didn't get away with a thing. But although she was strict, she was very loving and very supportive. She always had our back. She's overall just a really great person. She made life fun and adventuresome. She does the same for her grandkids now. They love when she comes around because they know they're going to go do something cool.

PP here. I agree with the above posts about backing off once out of the house. Once we went to college my parents expected us to be grown ups and let us live our own lives. She's never hovered over us so that we would make choices that she wanted us to make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with pp about backing off on parenting after your kids leave for college. I'm in my mid twenties and my mom is my best friend, I talk to her almost daily. However, in high school especially senior year we did not get along at all, and both said some pretty horrible things to one another. When I left for college she REALLY backed off and made me feel like she trusted my desicions. It still took me a couple years after I left home to really have the great relationship I have with her today. She has always been a great listener and she makes me feel like no matter what happens she will always be there for me if I need her. We also both have a similar sense of humor and she is the only one I like to gossip with.

Same here. My mom and I are SO close and so alike. I remember in HS just hating her for the boundaries, but now I wish there had been more. I would not have appreciated it at the time and I have no idea how to do that with kids (yet). She never said anything awful to me, she always told me that anything I did to "hurt her" really just hurt myself (threats of bad grades, etc.). She really showed me somehow that it would impact me, and I really did want to make her proud.

Then later, I was very independent in college and she told me how much she admired me (still does! She was impressed at my driving downtown today! It doesn't take much) and how much confidence I have.

So just build up your girls. Build them up, trust them, give them boundaries and then set them free...I guess!

[Anonymous]

Reading this makes me really jealous. I'm not close with my mom and if she suddenly died I wouldn't be nearly as upset as I have been over the death of my s/o. It's weird. The thought of sharing my private info with her makes me uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Not close to mom but very close to both adult daughters. Things I did differently:

1) I did not have a huge reaction when my daughters told me something. I listen, stayed as neutral as possible, and counted to 10. I know this made a huge difference because both have told me that they feel they can tell me anything and I won't judge them.

2) I never take anything that they do personally

3) I kept my own anxiety at bay and didn't burden them with a thousand "what if's", I separated my emotions from what is good for them.

4) I was there for them if they wanted me, in the background. If they didn't want me I didn't take it personally.

5) I made them my top priority if they wanted to engage with me.

6) I thanked them when they complained to me about what I was doing wrong, I was never defensive.

7) I always maintained their sense of dignity.

All of these steps took a lot of careful thought but I am so glad that I raised them this way. My mother is absolutely baffled that I have such a close bond with them when she and I barely speak. I'm thankful to my mother, I just took everything she did to me and did the opposite -voila I have a great relationship with my girls!