If you have adult daughters, and you are close to them, how did you do it?

[Anonymous]

I'm really close with my Mom. We butted head when I was in my 20s (I was living a bit of a peripatetic life then), but even then she was interested in what I was doing, listened to me and provided guidance when asked. She occasionally expressed concern for my choices which eventually drove me out of state, but that was temporary. So now here I am 25+ years in DC and I miss being able to swing by for dinner on Sundays or host holidays. I married and had children here, and overall love the area, but miss parts of home. We talk frequently, we have great conversations. None of this is to say that we don't bicker, we do, and she too can be a bit overbearing which exasperates my husband, but she can be told to back off too (and she will and is OK with being told to).

She is also my biggest fan - always confident (but not pushy about it) that I can do whatever I really set my mind to and it is wonderful having that kind of person in your life.

[Anonymous]

I am very close to my mother, she was definitely the person I was closest with before I got married and she's still my go-to person after DH.

Like some PPs have said about their moms, she was great about not treating me like a child anymore when I went to college but it started even earlier than that. She was pretty strict when I was little (through elementary school) in the sense that she let me know what I needed to be doing and I was expected to make sure I did it. I've always been a rule follower so that probably helped a lot. By the time I hit middle school, she didn't have to do much in the way of riding herd on me to make sure I was being a good kid and following the rules, I was doing it on my own. At that point, she was more focused on supporting me emotionally and helping me through the awkward early teen years.

In high school, she still trusted to make good decisions even when she knew some of my friends weren't. If I was worried about something, I could talk to her about it and she wouldn't lose her sh*t. She was working long hours with a lot of stress so I knew she really needed me to keep my head on straight and keep focused on doing well. Knowing that she was trusting me to make the right decisions had a lot more impact on my behavior than if she had been looking over my shoulder making sure I was.

When I went to college, she seemed so excited about me becoming an adult and going out into the world. When she would ask me about classes, she wanted to know what I was learning and what I was excited about, not what my grades were. She wouldn't grill me about how I was managing my time and if I was studying enough. She was much more excited about who I was becoming as a person and the experiences I was having and still is.

[Anonymous]

The #1 is, keep everything your DD wants private, PRIVATE. Don't tell people things she doesn't want them to know, no matter how small. DD tells me a lot, I'm her go-to person before her friends. My mom would blab EVERYTHING I would tell her and I was always afraid she would embarrass me, so it's the opposite with me and my DD.

[Anonymous]

I'm obsessed with my mom. She's the best. One thing she never does is second guess my judgement. I'm in my 30s and grown and she really respects my opinion on things, and I feel that way about her too. She really accepts me for who I am and seems to like me. I do the same for her too. She's been like this most of my life, but was obviously very involved in my thought process and decision making when I was a kid and gave me a lot of age-appropriate responsibilities and asked me a lot about what I thought about things. I just love her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The #1 is, keep everything your DD wants private, PRIVATE. Don't tell people things she doesn't want them to know, no matter how small. DD tells me a lot, I'm her go-to person before her friends. My mom would blab EVERYTHING I would tell her and I was always afraid she would embarrass me, so it's the opposite with me and my DD.

This aspect is critical. One of the many reasons I was not close to my Mom was that she did not keep anything private. Always told my aunt, grandmother and other family members; and, when I did something she did not agree with, oh boy, she told everyone she knew. It really drove a wedge between us and always knew I could not trust her or other members of her family.

Treating your children like adults when they are becoming adults is also very important--and letting them run their own lives and create their own goals.

[Anonymous]

Great thread! I have a terrible relationship with my mother - we barely speak to each other, ever. She never sees my kids, etc.

If I have one parenting goal, it's to have a better relationship with my kids. This is all great advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm obsessed with my mom. She's the best. One thing she never does is second guess my judgement. I'm in my 30s and grown and she really respects my opinion on things, and I feel that way about her too. She really accepts me for who I am and seems to like me. I do the same for her too. She's been like this most of my life, but was obviously very involved in my thought process and decision making when I was a kid and gave me a lot of age-appropriate responsibilities and asked me a lot about what I thought about things. I just love her.

You are obsessed with you mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm obsessed with my mom. She's the best. One thing she never does is second guess my judgement. I'm in my 30s and grown and she really respects my opinion on things, and I feel that way about her too. She really accepts me for who I am and seems to like me. I do the same for her too. She's been like this most of my life, but was obviously very involved in my thought process and decision making when I was a kid and gave me a lot of age-appropriate responsibilities and asked me a lot about what I thought about things. I just love her.

You are obsessed with you mom?

NP but I am too! I love my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm obsessed with my mom. She's the best. One thing she never does is second guess my judgement. I'm in my 30s and grown and she really respects my opinion on things, and I feel that way about her too. She really accepts me for who I am and seems to like me. I do the same for her too. She's been like this most of my life, but was obviously very involved in my thought process and decision making when I was a kid and gave me a lot of age-appropriate responsibilities and asked me a lot about what I thought about things. I just love her.

You are obsessed with you mom?

NP but I am too! I love my mom.

+1. Not PP but I'm seriously in awe of my mother. She did so much for us and was so great despite how little support she had. The woman deserves a freakin fan club!

[Anonymous]

My mom and I are close now. She irritates me, and I'm sure I irritate her, but we both know the other isn't perfect.

I think the key is that she has never judged me. She has been accepting of all of my life choices and tells me often how proud she is of me as a mother, as a teacher.

[Anonymous]

DD23 and I are very close. I tried to be non-judgmental in HS and freshman year of college about grades, bfs, etc. I gave advice, but made it clear that ultimately it was her life and she had to deal with how things panned out. I made sure we did quality time things she wanted to do even if I didn't see the point. I have her a "get out of trouble, no questions asked card" that she could call me 24/7 and I'd come. She's never used it, but she tells me her friends are envious. My dad have me one and I used it twice before age 21 so I must be doing something right in the parenting department. We are less close since I got engaged and he moved in. She likes my fiancé but she is giving us space. She will also finish her degree in 6 months so I think she is focused on finding work. We stay in touch several times daily, but I expect that will drop off a little once she has a full time job.

[Anonymous]

DD24 and I are very close. I was close with my mom, but not near the type of relationship I have with my daughter. As she was growing up, I encouraged independence. I allowed her to make mistakes with the idea that mistakes are how one learns. I let her fight the battles that were hers - rarely did I get involved, unless she asked me to and if it was appropriate to do so. There were times when I told her that the issue was one that she needed to resolve. As hard as it was, I tried to remain nonjudgmental about most things. I gave advice when asked - and I still do. It is not unusual for her to call to ask for guidance on certain things. Basically, I gave her space, but was there to listen and help when things didn’t go as she hoped.
Did I make mistakes? Heck, yeah. But, I allowed her to live HER life. She is a fabulous, successful young woman.

[Anonymous]

Once adult children are (financially) independent adults, view them as equals. No one has the upper hand. No one is the boss or in charge. I am always asking myself, "would I say this to a friend?" If I wouldn't say it, I don't (ie I would never say, "you really should ...") Respect their unique personality which may or may not blend easily with yours - just like out in the wider world - not every personality is an easy match. If they are a private person and don't open up much about themselves, you must respect their personality. They don't exist to fulfill your emotional needs. I think it's really a friend relationship - but only once they are adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm obsessed with my mom. She's the best. One thing she never does is second guess my judgement. I'm in my 30s and grown and she really respects my opinion on things, and I feel that way about her too. She really accepts me for who I am and seems to like me. I do the same for her too. She's been like this most of my life, but was obviously very involved in my thought process and decision making when I was a kid and gave me a lot of age-appropriate responsibilities and asked me a lot about what I thought about things. I just love her.

I feel exactly the same way. I'm also obsessed with my mom! She's just the best person ever and I feel like I've won the mother lottery. Everything you said pertains to her, and many of the things other posters were saying too. My mom just shines from within and lights up any and all gatherings with her wonderful, caring personality. I'm so grateful that my kids know her as well as they do and are very close. I can only hope my daughter and I are as close when she grows up.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP. Thanks to everyone who responded to this - I really appreciate it and am saving your suggestions so that I can remind myself as the girls get bigger! Thanks again!