Setting firm boundaries with someone who's abusive
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I'm fed up with his rage issues. While there isn't physical abuse, I know the rage fits (screaming, slamming things, throwing things, etc) are not right. It's emotionally damaging to everyone in the house.
I feel like I've set boundaries before, but find myself in this same position. I've threatened to leave if it doesn't stop, which makes it stop for a while. It could be weeks or months, but it always happens again. I've started what is essentially an intervention. After I got his family involved, he started counseling within a week. The last few bouts of counseling years ago only made him more angry, but I'm trying to be optimistic. I need to make and stick to abundantly clear boundaries. I need to set up a plan for leaving if and when it happens again. After more than a decade of tolerating this behavior, I'm worried about not being taken seriously this time. I've threatened too many times and didn't act on it. Is there a way to let him know I'm serious? Do I tell him I have a backup plan? If anyone has found resolution to this sort of problem, I'd like to hear about what worked. What we have now is not sustainable. |
Anonymous
| Show him you've started taking the steps towards separation (spoken to a lawyer, gotten financial things in order, etc), otherwise he won't take you seriously since you've never followed through in the past. |
Anonymous
| What has worked for us is a diagnosis of a mental health disorder, proper meds, and then counseling to understand the various reasons to carry around so much rage, the reasons it gets acted out, the triggers, and the tools to recognize when it's about to happen and nip it in the bud. |
Anonymous
|
Where is the anger from? Is it a symptom of mental illness? Poor coping skills? Family anger? Childhood abuse?
He needs to not just deal with it behaviorally but to understand it or it will just keep coming back. Anger is like pain - just a symptom of the bigger problem. You need to find and treat the source. |
Anonymous
| Is there a way to let him know you're serious? YES: follow through on what you say you are going to do! If you don't think you can walk out, then don't say "I will walk out!" |
Anonymous
The way to show him you're serious is to be serious. Seriously. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
This. What do you know of his early childhood? Was he neglected in any way? Whatever it was, it's NO excuse to be abusive. |
Anonymous
His childhood was not easy. When I spoke to his sister about this, she said it was a huge problem when he was a teen/young adult. She said their mother was afraid of him. It's not an excuse to be abusive, though he offers excuses along with apologies after one of these blow ups. He needs to find a better way to communicate. My plan is to just walk out and go to a friend's house or a hotel when/if it happens again. I hope 24-48 hours out of the house will be enough to make it clear. Thanks for the advice. |
Anonymous
|
OP, I do not know the dynamics of your relationship, whether or not you are married, have mutual children together and/or are financially dependent on this person, but from what you are saying, I commend you for your honesty.
It isn't easy admitting you know you need to get out of something, yet you cannot find the strength and willpower to stick to what you know you have to do. I have been in your shoes many times and I know that feeling. I have done the same thing so many times. Threatened to leave. Issued ultimatums. Over + over again. Threatened to do this, that, that and all that. And then when he started becoming nice to me to sucker me in, I would soften up and my words held no weight at all and he knew it. It was a vicious cycle. 
For me what changes is I usually have to hit some type of "rock bottom." Meaning something has to happen where a  goes off in my head where I realize that this person is so toxic in my life that he is destroying every aspect of it.
That I am practically forsaking everything I HAVE for him. That he is destroying my spirit day by day and the more I give him, the more I lose. One day I will have nothing left, and as you know, when you have nothing left, you no longer have anything to lose, right? Even though he is not physically harming your self OP, by destroying objects that is abuse in itself, please acknowledge that. Also, in these cases, physical abuse can come later. I wouldn't risk it. I had an ex who started off damaging my personal items, then later on he started damaging me physically. I hope you have a strong support system in place who will back you up because this is something that will not be easy to do alone. Good luck. |
Anonymous
|
In the end, I did leave. See, I thought the threat of leaving was enough. Even when he did leave, I thought he'd be back within a couple of weeks. We had a family and so much to lose. How could it all be over? So, I wonder if you are seeing leaving as a tactic (as I did) or as a truly viable solution to the issue? Think about that. I don't think my husband took me seriously because he saw what I didn't see until a couple of years later. He knew my end game was remaining intact as a family, not an end to his abuse. Are you looking into why you continue to be involved with a man who rages like this? Other posters have asked about the root of his issues. I'm asking you to look into your self and do the work that it'll take to be understand your motivations and behavior. Clears up your choices, it really does. It will also be apparent to your DH that you are moving on, into a space that doesn't include this violent BS. It's a process. Took me two years after the divorce to let go of the idea of getting back together. I filed exactly 6 months to the day of giving him notice to get out, with the hope that this would get him to see how bad his behavior had become. I thought co-parenting would allow us to find a good place, that he couldn't abuse me from that distance. Nope. He falls into it whenever I give him the chance. What's changed, OP? You said you've been in this relationship for 10 years and that your DH's behavior pre-dates your marriage. So, why now? It's not about a rental agreement or retaining a lawyer. Firming up your sense of self and how you will allow yourself to be treated is what's most powerful. Focus on that. |
Anonymous
|
What changed? I saw the look on my child's face when he started slamming things and yelling. I feel like a failure as a mother for tolerating it for so long. For most of this time, I've been accustomed to it. I knew it was upsetting to me, but bought the excuses and saw it more as a bad habit and not abuse.
I have clarity now that wasn't there before, but I feel like I owe it to my child to let him try one last time to get it together. I have a bigger responsibility to keep her safe, which is my priority. |
Anonymous
|
You have your answer and your clarity. Act accordingly. |
Anonymous
Understanding where the anger is coming from is really only helpful to a point. Client can spend years in therapy trying to "understand" their behavior while continuing to express it inappropriately. the problem is that it's like an addiction-or a very bad habit and a person needs a ton of behavioral support to change. 12-step meetings (EA anonymous), a plan of action when anger rises up, and things like that help the most. |
Anonymous
| Stop threatening and start doing. Your threats are empty because you never follow through on them. He's not going to change. He's going to escalate. |