Autonomy Within Marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband teases me in a good natured and complimentary way when I wear really loose fitting tops or dresses and he reminds me that he likes it when I wear tighter clothes. Only when I am in a super bad mood does it bother me.

He has made comments about the way I load the dishwasher, but never mean ones, and never suggested I don't do it. I think dishwasher loading differences are universal between roommates of any kind!

He does not "allow" me to do HIS laundry because he's really anal about it. Fine. No problem. They're his clothes, after all! He does my laundry a lot, so that's nice.

The first aid kit being kept sanitary seems sensible actually. The only analog I can think of is that my DH really gets annoyed when I move common items with designated storing places like scissors or packing tape and then he can't find them when he needs them. I can see why that is annoying, so no biggie.

Packages, etc... I have no similar issues.

I find my DH to be more "particular" than other DHs when I compare him to friend's spouses. But TBH your DH sounds pretty controlling and inflexible. I would find that hard to live with.

A man who won't let his wife wash his underwear is probably cheating on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're allowing this to happen.

Yeah - just stop paying attention. Go wild - wear a dress and get a bandaid out of the first aid kit without asking!!!

[Anonymous]

This lady's husband has some kind of obsessive disorder, he's using controlling behavior to alleviate his anxiety. My mother did this kind of controlling behavior on me and it set me up for a disastrous first marriage to a super-controlling husband. You need to go to counseling and decide what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% not normal.

I couldn't and wouldn't live like this.

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

OP your marriage has an incredibly fucked up dynamic. This shouldn't be minimized the way you are doing by calling it controlling in a first world type of way. No. Your husband sounds like some sort of man-child. Full stop. It's disgusting. I don't even know what to tell you to do about this but you need to do something.

[Anonymous]

My husband is a Domestic Violence Officer. This is emotional abuse, and it is not okay.

[KDspicer]

My husband is a Domestic Violence Officer. This is emotional abuse, and it is not okay.

[Anonymous]

OP, has he ever been diagnosed with anxiety?

[Anonymous]

Hi there! It’s not good to have to ask for every small thing. I do ask my husband what to wear or some general stuff when I need an opinion. Most things we like to agree upon before doing it. Big things I like to ask so that he feels involved and respected. It works both ways .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This lady's husband has some kind of obsessive disorder, he's using controlling behavior to alleviate his anxiety. My mother did this kind of controlling behavior on me and it set me up for a disastrous first marriage to a super-controlling husband. You need to go to counseling and decide what to do.

This.

[Anonymous]

Basically you are enduring a 2nd childhood OP.

Look, you have already been raised once, by your parents.

Now you are being raised again...Only this time as an adult which is so backwards + twisted. It totally goes against the natural progression of life.

It is very important that you take a stand against this behavior stat.
Let him sulk like a toddler or be mad. Whatever.

You need to take back the power and make it yours again.

If you do not, then in all honesty you are settling for way less than you deserve from life as a whole.

[Anonymous]

I'm not a professional, so take this with a grain of salt, but to me, it sounds like your husband either has OCD or is abusive. I'd require therapy immediately.

My husband has opinions about things I don't think he should have opinions about and my response is that if you're going to be a jerk about it, you loose my audience. I can't control what opinions he has, and I'm not interested in telling him what to say and how to say it, but I control what I will endure each day and I won't stand there & listen to 30 minutes of rambling. I get up and walk away. Try it OP. It's very effective.

So in the examples you give, if my husband were harassing me about my clothing choice for the day, I'd say "okay, I understand this upsets you - I won't make you look at it" then get up with my clothes and walk away, change in another part of the house, and walk out the door immediately for the day. For the band-aid OCD thing your H has going, I'd say "okay, this will be your personal first aid kit and I won't touch it again. I'm going to keep my own stash of bandaids elsewhere." He's trying to control you with a power struggle - opt out of the power struggle and maintain, assert your own control over your own life. He is effectively opting out of a joint life with you and trying to force you to fit into his. You don't have to keep your belongings jointly with his - if he's a jerk about the bandaids or anything else, let him have his stash, and you keep yours. If he's a jerk about what you wear, or how you look, remove yourself and don't listen to him. If you have to, move your clothes to the guest room closet.

Ultimately this comes down to a choice: you can both create a safe & loving space where you both can be who you are together OR he can assert that this is his space and push you out. As more and more of your time and belongings are disentangled from his, he'll come to understand that this is the choice he faces. He's probably not mentally well enough to make an intentional choice here, so therapy is in order. If he refuses, then know that you're not the one who opted out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who are all of these husbands concerned about the dishwasher? So odd.

Mine's an engineer and so it's all about how well he can load the darn thing. He can have at it--but it's not odd to have men interested in the quality of how well dishes or their laundry are washed (mine also does his own laundry).

OP, if you're still reading, I'm the PP who described what your husband is doing as emotionally abusive. I didn't mean to be too harsh on you, and I don't think it's fair to you. The bottom line is this: you deserve to be treated with more respect for your autonomy than your husband is currently providing. You are worth it. Wishing you support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are all of these husbands concerned about the dishwasher? So odd.

Mine's an engineer and so it's all about how well he can load the darn thing. He can have at it--but it's not odd to have men interested in the quality of how well dishes or their laundry are washed (mine also does his own laundry).

OP, if you're still reading, I'm the PP who described what your husband is doing as emotionally abusive. I didn't mean to be too harsh on you, and I don't think it's fair to you. The bottom line is this: you deserve to be treated with more respect for your autonomy than your husband is currently providing. You are worth it. Wishing you support.

Thank you - I didn't take it as harsh and appreciate the kind words. DH and I do have conflict and I'm never scared of him, but I'm worn down by him in a major way. Over time, I've come to feel trapped in my own home. His view is that everyone has things like this that they are particular about, but I'm tired of consulting and checking and asking to do things when I'm paying the mortgage! It is made worse by the fact that we are in a small space with a shared car, which requires a certain level of consultation.

[Anonymous]

I'm curious what the reaction is when OP doesn't stay inside these clearly defined lines? I would test it for sure -- either he has to change or you have to get out.