Quitting 4th grade instrumental music

[Anonymous]

HS band kid mom here again. Another thing to think about (which you probably have already) is that in the beginning, everyone always sounds terrible. The whole band sounds terrible. Always. Part of learning a new thing and the creative process is that you have to crank out a lot of garbage and just suck for a while. There's no way around making the garbage. This is really hard to feel OK about for not only a lot of adults, but kids who are used to being good at stuff.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel like you've entered into a power struggle with your dd and you're focusing now on "lessons I can teach my dd about how bad it is to be a quitter" that really don't have anything to do with whether your daughter likes music or not. She tried band out -- she doesn't like it -- should we all commit to continuing things we hate? How should she have known she didn't like it if she didn't try it? It seems to me you're not going to teach her lessons about not quitting, but that she shouldn't be open to trying new and challenging activities in the first place because you will force her to continue if they turn out to be not her cup of tea. I also think with this particular power struggle that you are teaching her that she should never, ever try instrumental music again.

I would let her quit. She can take up an instrument again later if she wants to -- instrumental music in 4th and 5th grades is really a joke, and the kids hardly have anything to practice anyway. If she wants to try a new instrument in 6th grade, that's a much better set-up because the kids have band every day so the learning goes much more quickly and the class doesn't take away from instructional time. Even there, if she tries it and really hates it, then let her quit after a good solid try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

We've offered private lessons - even suggesting that one or two lessons might help, but she FREAKED OUT. I HATE IT, etc.

Her arms are long enough for the instrument (the instructor/director was careful about that as the kids picked their instruments).

It is too late during the year to switch to a different instrument. She's have to start over in 5th, and there's no way she'll do that.

It's ok if she hates it but she committed to it for the year so tell her to give it her all while she has to do it. Sign her up for the lessons and take her.

My child suffers from anxiety and performance anxiety. It is hard and can be very trying but what we found is that kids need you as the adult to step in and help them manage. They over inflate situations in their mind and you need to step in and just take over. Sometimes removing the decisions making about the situation also helps reduce stress. Tell your child she will take the lessons. Tell her she will practice for 15 mintues a day and you will be with her while she does. Praise every effort when practicing. Go to the recital.

I agree with the moms saying this. I think she should finish the year. You should insist on practice and a few extra lessons.
You could also just try to check in with her if there is something else going on (dynamics in the class itself.) I'd talk to the band teacher, myself, to alert him or her to your daughter's feelings and your efforts. He/she might have some insights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I agree with the moms saying this. I think she should finish the year. You should insist on practice and a few extra lessons.
You could also just try to check in with her if there is something else going on (dynamics in the class itself.) I'd talk to the band teacher, myself, to alert him or her to your daughter's feelings and your efforts. He/she might have some insights.

The point of playing an instrument is enjoyment. You are supposed to enjoy playing an instrument -- not necessarily every single day, for every single piece and practice session, but definitely overall. In OP's case, OP's child hates playing the trombone. What does OP's child gain from being forced to do something she hates for the rest of the year? What is the benefit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm a stealth Tiger Mother, and my fourth grader completed his violin year then did not pursue it for 5th grade. He has many other extra-curriculars, including music, and violin was not his thing.

Your daughter can finish the year, do the school concert, and then stop.

I would NOT let her quit mid-year. Violin in 4th grade is very basic (my preschool child started violin and was doing much more difficult stuff at 4 than my 9 year old), and there is no individual recital to get all hot and bothered about. More importantly, you can't quit gracefully before a concert, it's letting down your friends and teacher, who need you there. The concert is usually a cacophony - so many students play out of tune that no one will notice if *she* plays out of tune! But she has to be there. It's work ethic, if nothing else.

A fourth-grader who is playing first-year trombone for instrumental music in school is not letting their friends and teacher down by quitting before the concert.

-a musician

And why was she started on the trombone? How does it get transported to school? Were flutes and trumpets and clarinets filled? I have a child who was assigned a large instrument because of the child's size. Let her quit-this is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm a stealth Tiger Mother, and my fourth grader completed his violin year then did not pursue it for 5th grade. He has many other extra-curriculars, including music, and violin was not his thing.

Your daughter can finish the year, do the school concert, and then stop.

I would NOT let her quit mid-year. Violin in 4th grade is very basic (my preschool child started violin and was doing much more difficult stuff at 4 than my 9 year old), and there is no individual recital to get all hot and bothered about. More importantly, you can't quit gracefully before a concert, it's letting down your friends and teacher, who need you there. The concert is usually a cacophony - so many students play out of tune that no one will notice if *she* plays out of tune! But she has to be there. It's work ethic, if nothing else.

A fourth-grader who is playing first-year trombone for instrumental music in school is not letting their friends and teacher down by quitting before the concert.

-a musician

And why was she started on the trombone? How does it get transported to school? Were flutes and trumpets and clarinets filled? I have a child who was assigned a large instrument because of the child's size. Let her quit-this is ridiculous.

A little tangential, but I think sometimes it makes a difference if a kid picks an instrument versus being assigned an instrument or having a parent pick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I agree with the moms saying this. I think she should finish the year. You should insist on practice and a few extra lessons.
You could also just try to check in with her if there is something else going on (dynamics in the class itself.) I'd talk to the band teacher, myself, to alert him or her to your daughter's feelings and your efforts. He/she might have some insights.

The point of playing an instrument is enjoyment. You are supposed to enjoy playing an instrument -- not necessarily every single day, for every single piece and practice session, but definitely overall. In OP's case, OP's child hates playing the trombone. What does OP's child gain from being forced to do something she hates for the rest of the year? What is the benefit?

The life lesson here is bigger than what a child enjoys doing. It's about not quitting every time something gets hard or it's not fun. By not quitting, a child is faced with problem solving instead. It teaches them how to deal with challenges, setbacks, and failures. Finishing the year is age-appropriate for a 9 year old. It's not like forcing her to stick with it now until high school. And if she were younger, quitting now may be ok. But she can handle, with parental support, finishing the year. And it will help develop the self confidence and resilience she needs to get through bigger problems that she will eventually face.

[Anonymous]

OP here. She chose trombone. She couldn't decide between trombone and a string instrument, went back and forth, discussed with instructor, and was finally forced to pick due to time.

She did enjoy it at first, but I was surprised that initial lessons didn't include how to put it together, how to clean it, etc. We had to figure that out ourselves.

She carried it on the bus (to answer another question). It's a PITA, but she can do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The life lesson here is bigger than what a child enjoys doing. It's about not quitting every time something gets hard or it's not fun. By not quitting, a child is faced with problem solving instead. It teaches them how to deal with challenges, setbacks, and failures. Finishing the year is age-appropriate for a 9 year old. It's not like forcing her to stick with it now until high school. And if she were younger, quitting now may be ok. But she can handle, with parental support, finishing the year. And it will help develop the self confidence and resilience she needs to get through bigger problems that she will eventually face.

The life lesson here is:

1. my parents will force me to do unnecessary stuff that I hate doing, on principle.
2. therefore I will no longer do stuff, in case I hate it but they force me to keep on doing it.
3. my parents think that their principles are more important than my feelings.

Well, if OP this is where OP wants to draw the line, then ok, but I, personally, would save it for something that actually matters. Learning to play the trombone does not actually matter. Nobody has to learn to play the trombone. And it's not like this will be the OP's child's only opportunity to learn to deal with challenges, setbacks, and failures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The life lesson here is bigger than what a child enjoys doing. It's about not quitting every time something gets hard or it's not fun. By not quitting, a child is faced with problem solving instead. It teaches them how to deal with challenges, setbacks, and failures. Finishing the year is age-appropriate for a 9 year old. It's not like forcing her to stick with it now until high school. And if she were younger, quitting now may be ok. But she can handle, with parental support, finishing the year. And it will help develop the self confidence and resilience she needs to get through bigger problems that she will eventually face.

What do you think people play music for? I think that people play music because they like to play music. If they don't like to play music, there is no point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I agree with the moms saying this. I think she should finish the year. You should insist on practice and a few extra lessons.
You could also just try to check in with her if there is something else going on (dynamics in the class itself.) I'd talk to the band teacher, myself, to alert him or her to your daughter's feelings and your efforts. He/she might have some insights.

The point of playing an instrument is enjoyment. You are supposed to enjoy playing an instrument -- not necessarily every single day, for every single piece and practice session, but definitely overall. In OP's case, OP's child hates playing the trombone. What does OP's child gain from being forced to do something she hates for the rest of the year? What is the benefit?

Most kids who play any instrument want to quit at some point and need their parents to help them over these humps. I think OP's idea was on the right track, but I'd say something longer than 3 weeks. Since her daughter chose the instrument, and chose to do this activity, it seems reasonable that she not quit until she has given it a real try. Actually, if she has a real fear of the concert, I might consider saying that if she practices the amount she's supposed to (at our school that's 60 minutes a week), then you and she can have a talk before the concert and if she still doesn't want to participate, she can skip it. I think if she practices, she will want to be in the concert.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I agree with the moms saying this. I think she should finish the year. You should insist on practice and a few extra lessons.
You could also just try to check in with her if there is something else going on (dynamics in the class itself.) I'd talk to the band teacher, myself, to alert him or her to your daughter's feelings and your efforts. He/she might have some insights.

The point of playing an instrument is enjoyment. You are supposed to enjoy playing an instrument -- not necessarily every single day, for every single piece and practice session, but definitely overall. In OP's case, OP's child hates playing the trombone. What does OP's child gain from being forced to do something she hates for the rest of the year? What is the benefit?

Most kids who play any instrument want to quit at some point and need their parents to help them over these humps. I think OP's idea was on the right track, but I'd say something longer than 3 weeks. Since her daughter chose the instrument, and chose to do this activity, it seems reasonable that she not quit until she has given it a real try. Actually, if she has a real fear of the concert, I might consider saying that if she practices the amount she's supposed to (at our school that's 60 minutes a week), then you and she can have a talk before the concert and if she still doesn't want to participate, she can skip it. I think if she practices, she will want to be in the concert.

I'm this pp, and should add that I'd never force a kid to play an instrument indefinitely. Being forced to play piano spoiled a chunk of my childhood. But I think that since there is just a month or two left, the OP has an opportunity to as for a true effort before allowing the child to quit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The life lesson here is bigger than what a child enjoys doing. It's about not quitting every time something gets hard or it's not fun. By not quitting, a child is faced with problem solving instead. It teaches them how to deal with challenges, setbacks, and failures. Finishing the year is age-appropriate for a 9 year old. It's not like forcing her to stick with it now until high school. And if she were younger, quitting now may be ok. But she can handle, with parental support, finishing the year. And it will help develop the self confidence and resilience she needs to get through bigger problems that she will eventually face.

What do you think people play music for? I think that people play music because they like to play music. If they don't like to play music, there is no point.

Again, the life lesson here is bigger than the activity itself. If she powers her way through for another month or so, she will understand that she can face challenges. Letting kids quit all the time when something isn't fun is not doing them any favors. Just make sure the lesson is age appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The life lesson here is bigger than what a child enjoys doing. It's about not quitting every time something gets hard or it's not fun. By not quitting, a child is faced with problem solving instead. It teaches them how to deal with challenges, setbacks, and failures. Finishing the year is age-appropriate for a 9 year old. It's not like forcing her to stick with it now until high school. And if she were younger, quitting now may be ok. But she can handle, with parental support, finishing the year. And it will help develop the self confidence and resilience she needs to get through bigger problems that she will eventually face.

What do you think people play music for? I think that people play music because they like to play music. If they don't like to play music, there is no point.

Again, the life lesson here is bigger than the activity itself. If she powers her way through for another month or so, she will understand that she can face challenges. Letting kids quit all the time when something isn't fun is not doing them any favors. Just make sure the lesson is age appropriate.

+1. There isn't that much school left for this year. If this were October, I'd say let her quit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I agree with the moms saying this. I think she should finish the year. You should insist on practice and a few extra lessons.
You could also just try to check in with her if there is something else going on (dynamics in the class itself.) I'd talk to the band teacher, myself, to alert him or her to your daughter's feelings and your efforts. He/she might have some insights.

The point of playing an instrument is enjoyment. You are supposed to enjoy playing an instrument -- not necessarily every single day, for every single piece and practice session, but definitely overall. In OP's case, OP's child hates playing the trombone. What does OP's child gain from being forced to do something she hates for the rest of the year? What is the benefit?

Most kids who play any instrument want to quit at some point and need their parents to help them over these humps.

This is true. But there is a difference between wanting to quit and crying fits for an hour every night. My children have gone through periods of wanting to quit. Even for the one who has quit his instrument, it never reached hour long crying jags. For the one who didn't quit, small breaks in practice requirements, or incentivizing practice in some way got her over the bumps. For the one who did quit, the breaks and incentives didn't work and the desire to quit was persistent. So he quit. He knows he can resume that or another instrument should he wish. But playing a musical instrument is not the only way to teach perseverance or commitment. Most people have many paths that can help them learn and practice those skills.