Quitting 4th grade instrumental music

[Anonymous]

My child has been begging to quit for several months. She claims she hates it. DH and I are on the fence.

Reasons to make her stick with it:
1. The lesson of not quitting just because something gets hard
2. The lesson of "you signed up for the year, you have to finish it"
3. Music performance opportunity
4. Music lesson opportunity - she doesn't otherwise take piano or anything
5. My parents forced me to take piano in elementary school and I appreciated it later

Reasons to let her quit:
1. She claims she didn't know there would be a concert, and she's petrified. This is consistent with her being petrified of the recorder concert last year - DH and I ultimately agreed not to attend.
2. She thought there would be more instruction (as did we). It appears to be more "band practice" even though this is everyone's first year.
3. Though she plays the trombone, she's in with the other brass students, and has received very little instruction on her instrument. Most attention is paid to the trumpet students as there are more of them.
4. She does take ballet, so she is exposed to both classical music and performing for an audience.

Dh and I can't quite wrap our heads around letting her quit. We feel like it's hard for her because she doesn't practice as much as she's supposed to (even when she does practice, much of the 15 minutes is spent crying or complaining that it's too hard).

That said, if I signed up for a painting class, and after a few classes really hated it (or the instructor, or the class structure or whatever), I wouldn't force myself to continue just because "I made a commitment." This isn't a soccer team, and the other students won't have to "forfeit" the concert if she isn't there.

Any experiences with this?

[Anonymous]

Trombone is really hard for fourth grader -- most of their arms cannot reach that long. Can she try a different instrument before deciding to quit?

[Anonymous]

Why don't you let her try some private lessons? Maybe she is self-conscious of how she sounds and this would help her improve.

[Anonymous]

Well only my own back in the day in 4th grade band.

I never practiced and just faked my way through the recital.

My advice? Have her start practicing now. Get in touch with the teacher and see if she can go after school for some one on one help or hire someone to give her a couple lessons.

She should go through with it. Yes, it's terrifying but putting it off doesn't help. Remind her she will be with others, she can fake her way through playing if need be, and it's a one year commitment and then she can drop it.

[Anonymous]

Do you think it's possible it may be a good lesson for her to go through with the performance and see that it wasn't that bad? Our school already had its performance and it was very sweet and the parents were all very appreciative even though lots of kids made mistakes. She probably already knows which pieces she will perform -- can you just go over them briefly with her to see if she knows them even a little bit? If she knows them even a little, the performance really might not be bad and might be a good experience for her to get over her fears.

[Anonymous]

And let me also add that my son and his friends don't seem to have found it terrifying at all, as a poster said. It was fun and casual and very well received. And no my son doesn't practice that much but really, they were playing Hot Cross Buns and the like.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

We've offered private lessons - even suggesting that one or two lessons might help, but she FREAKED OUT. I HATE IT, etc.

Her arms are long enough for the instrument (the instructor/director was careful about that as the kids picked their instruments).

It is too late during the year to switch to a different instrument. She's have to start over in 5th, and there's no way she'll do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And let me also add that my son and his friends don't seem to have found it terrifying at all, as a poster said. It was fun and casual and very well received. And no my son doesn't practice that much but really, they were playing Hot Cross Buns and the like.

OP here again.

I'm glad your son wasn't scared. But that really doesn't relate to whether or not another child would be scared.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think it makes any sense to force a child to continue doing something that

1. they hate
2. isn't necessary

especially when you're paying good money for it.

Also, consider the unintended consequence of forcing her to stick with something she signed up for. When the next opportunity comes, she just won't sign up, in case it turns out that she hates it and you won't let her quit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't think it makes any sense to force a child to continue doing something that

1. they hate
2. isn't necessary

especially when you're paying good money for it.

Also, consider the unintended consequence of forcing her to stick with something she signed up for. When the next opportunity comes, she just won't sign up, in case it turns out that she hates it and you won't let her quit.

Yes, that is something DH and I discussed last night. What are we teaching her about risk-taking?

For better or for worse, money isn't an issue - we got a great deal on a 9 month lease, so there is no additional money to be spent unless she wants to continue after 4th grade (and we had already said she didn't have to do that).

And yet, what are we teaching her younger sibling if we let her quit? That you can try an instrument in 4th grade, but it's ok to quit if it's hard or you don't like to practice?

I don't feel like there's an easy answer here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't think it makes any sense to force a child to continue doing something that

1. they hate
2. isn't necessary

especially when you're paying good money for it.

Also, consider the unintended consequence of forcing her to stick with something she signed up for. When the next opportunity comes, she just won't sign up, in case it turns out that she hates it and you won't let her quit.

Yes, that is something DH and I discussed last night. What are we teaching her about risk-taking?

For better or for worse, money isn't an issue - we got a great deal on a 9 month lease, so there is no additional money to be spent unless she wants to continue after 4th grade (and we had already said she didn't have to do that).

And yet, what are we teaching her younger sibling if we let her quit? That you can try an instrument in 4th grade, but it's ok to quit if it's hard or you don't like to practice?

I don't feel like there's an easy answer here.

I think that's a perfectly acceptable message to teach her younger sibling. Why do you think it's not an acceptable message?

[Anonymous]

What would she do instead of band? are there other kids not doing band in her classroom? I would talk to the band teacher. It shouldn't be a terrifying experience, it was really low key (no pun intended) at our school.

[Anonymous]

I'm a stealth Tiger Mother, and my fourth grader completed his violin year then did not pursue it for 5th grade. He has many other extra-curriculars, including music, and violin was not his thing.

Your daughter can finish the year, do the school concert, and then stop.

I would NOT let her quit mid-year. Violin in 4th grade is very basic (my preschool child started violin and was doing much more difficult stuff at 4 than my 9 year old), and there is no individual recital to get all hot and bothered about. More importantly, you can't quit gracefully before a concert, it's letting down your friends and teacher, who need you there. The concert is usually a cacophony - so many students play out of tune that no one will notice if *she* plays out of tune! But she has to be there. It's work ethic, if nothing else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would she do instead of band? are there other kids not doing band in her classroom? I would talk to the band teacher. It shouldn't be a terrifying experience, it was really low key (no pun intended) at our school.

Kids are pulled out of language arts or math for 30 minutes of band. The teachers try not to introduce new concepts on band day, but the kids do miss class time for completing her work. DD is starting to fall behind in her work, and even received a "progressing" rather than "demonstrating" for task completion on her recent progress report.

I'm struggling with 9:48's assertion that the other students and the teacher need her at the concert. Do they? In all seriousness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
DH and I ultimately agreed not to attend.
it's hard for her because she doesn't practice as much as she's supposed to
the other students won't have to "forfeit" the concert if she isn't there.

1. Mistake to let her not attend last year. Don't make the same mistake this year.
2. Then what are you waiting for? Make her practice!
3. Wrong. Clearly music is not be your area of expertise. It's terrible form to let your fellow musicians down. Would you feel the same if she was in a more formal orchestra or band? The musical director would be rabid. It actually is the same as a sports team. You attend the performance, period.

The truth is, your daughter seems insufficiently prepared and that's why she's nervous. While there will be many such students at the concert, what you can do is to assign daily practice of the trombone, maybe roping in the teacher for pointers (could he see her after school for a few minutes to go over a few songs?). No excuses. Her confidence will increase, and she won't be so nervous.