Quitting 4th grade instrumental music

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

We've offered private lessons - even suggesting that one or two lessons might help, but she FREAKED OUT. I HATE IT, etc.

Her arms are long enough for the instrument (the instructor/director was careful about that as the kids picked their instruments).

It is too late during the year to switch to a different instrument. She's have to start over in 5th, and there's no way she'll do that.

It's ok if she hates it but she committed to it for the year so tell her to give it her all while she has to do it. Sign her up for the lessons and take her.

My child suffers from anxiety and performance anxiety. It is hard and can be very trying but what we found is that kids need you as the adult to step in and help them manage. They over inflate situations in their mind and you need to step in and just take over. Sometimes removing the decisions making about the situation also helps reduce stress. Tell your child she will take the lessons. Tell her she will practice for 15 mintues a day and you will be with her while she does. Praise every effort when practicing. Go to the recital.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DH and I ultimately agreed not to attend.
it's hard for her because she doesn't practice as much as she's supposed to
the other students won't have to "forfeit" the concert if she isn't there.

1. Mistake to let her not attend last year. Don't make the same mistake this year.
2. Then what are you waiting for? Make her practice!
3. Wrong. Clearly music is not be your area of expertise. It's terrible form to let your fellow musicians down. Would you feel the same if she was in a more formal orchestra or band? The musical director would be rabid. It actually is the same as a sports team. You attend the performance, period.

The truth is, your daughter seems insufficiently prepared and that's why she's nervous. While there will be many such students at the concert, what you can do is to assign daily practice of the trombone, maybe roping in the teacher for pointers (could he see her after school for a few minutes to go over a few songs?). No excuses. Her confidence will increase, and she won't be so nervous.

Just to clarify, she did attend. It was during the school day. DH and I did not attend, but she did go through with the recital/observation day/whatever it was.

We do make her practice. It's typically and hour + of screaming and crying with very little playing. We've tried many techniques, and none have worked.

We had no problems with practice in the beginning, but once the entire brass section was lumped in together, her attitude really changed. If it were just nerves, I would push her/guide her through it, but she claims she genuinely hates it. And as I mentioned above, it's interfering with her ability to do her schoolwork.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm a stealth Tiger Mother, and my fourth grader completed his violin year then did not pursue it for 5th grade. He has many other extra-curriculars, including music, and violin was not his thing.

Your daughter can finish the year, do the school concert, and then stop.

I would NOT let her quit mid-year. Violin in 4th grade is very basic (my preschool child started violin and was doing much more difficult stuff at 4 than my 9 year old), and there is no individual recital to get all hot and bothered about. More importantly, you can't quit gracefully before a concert, it's letting down your friends and teacher, who need you there. The concert is usually a cacophony - so many students play out of tune that no one will notice if *she* plays out of tune! But she has to be there. It's work ethic, if nothing else.

A fourth-grader who is playing first-year trombone for instrumental music in school is not letting their friends and teacher down by quitting before the concert.

-a musician

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

We had no problems with practice in the beginning, but once the entire brass section was lumped in together, her attitude really changed. If it were just nerves, I would push her/guide her through it, but she claims she genuinely hates it. And as I mentioned above, it's interfering with her ability to do her schoolwork.

Good heavens. Let the poor child quit. You're sacrificing your child to your principles.

[Anonymous]

Definitely let her quit .The entire point of these classes at this level is to find something they LIKE. The stakes are low. No point in your kid being miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would she do instead of band? are there other kids not doing band in her classroom? I would talk to the band teacher. It shouldn't be a terrifying experience, it was really low key (no pun intended) at our school.

Kids are pulled out of language arts or math for 30 minutes of band. The teachers try not to introduce new concepts on band day, but the kids do miss class time for completing her work. DD is starting to fall behind in her work, and even received a "progressing" rather than "demonstrating" for task completion on her recent progress report.

I'm struggling with 9:48's assertion that the other students and the teacher need her at the concert. Do they? In all seriousness.

No.

[Anonymous]

I'd make her finish the year. But sit down with her and say "hey, let's brainstorm and problem solve on how to help you get through the remainder of the year and the concert."

She needs to feel uncomfortable, face a challenge, and get through it. She needs to learn it can lead to a success. Or she needs to learn how to deal with a failure. She's old enough now. And afterward she can choose to continue in 5th grade or not.

[Anonymous]

She sounds absolutely miserable, and this hasn't been a transient thing. Have you talked to the teacher about how she's doing in band class?

Learning an instrument does not have to be the way she learns how to learn hard things. Ballet can be that. Social Studies can be that. You don't want her to learn that learning hard things is miserable and awful with absolutely no pay off, which is where it looks like she's going.

I'd talk to the band teacher and unless you got some brilliant insight, I'd let her quit. I'd make sure she understands that she can learn trombone or any other instrument later if she's interested, and that you and she will carefully evaluate the environment in order to make sure it's more suitable to her.

[Anonymous]

I have an honors band kid now going into high school who started his instrument in fourth grade. So, here's some thoughts based on our experience.

1.) Kids don't practice. They just don't. Even kids who grow up to be professional musicians don't practice without some serious nudging.

2.) Did she pick the instrument? Does she enjoy this otherwise? If the answer isn't yes to both, maybe this just isn't her thing. That's totally OK. We had to suss out over a few conversations with my son that he enjoyed his instrument, but hated band class. I made a deal with him where we would de-contextualize the instrument from school via private lessons, and if he still hated it at the end of the year, he could quit. Well, several really positive lessons later plus a new band teacher, and he loves it. He still kind of hates some things about band, but he loves playing.

3.) If it's negatively impacting other school work, and she has other opportunities to experience getting up on a stage in front of people, doing a thing, and dealing with the anxiety (dance, etc.), I think it's OK for her to bail on this.

4.) What is it about band that she hates so much, exactly?

[Anonymous]

An hour of screaming and crying, from a nine-year old? Seriously? No one's life was ever ruined because they did not play a trombone in fourth grade. I think it's emotionally abusive to drive a child to screaming and crying over such a thing. Why don't you listen to her and respect her feelings?

Maybe in time she'd like to try another instrument. If you can afford it, get her some private lessons and let her do things at her own pace. Maybe she is the anxious type who will always hate performing, but would enjoy and certainly benefit from playing an instrument for herself, with some lessons and no heavy practice schedule. You never know, one day she could mature on her own and want to join band/orchestra.

I have three kids, and they vary greatly. One always refused to play any instrument, but has grown up to be successful in life with a full set of interests and other skills. Another of them is always first chair in his instrument and totally self motivated. Sometimes he asks for private lessons, and recently took up another instrument. The youngest one is elementary level, voluntarily plays multiple instruments, but needs gentle reminding and encouragement to practice. She wants lessons in one instrument but not in another. I think her experience in school right now with one of her instruments is making her not want to play that instrument, because the class is boring and too huge to do anything with.

The two music-loving kids are allowed to take breaks from playing when they choose. If they don't feel like playing for a month or two, I'd rather they take the break, rather than developing a hatred for it. I do still talk to them about practicing and discipline. They see for themselves how practice and hard work pays, but people have to learn to motivate themselves in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And let me also add that my son and his friends don't seem to have found it terrifying at all, as a poster said. It was fun and casual and very well received. And no my son doesn't practice that much but really, they were playing Hot Cross Buns and the like.

OP here again.

I'm glad your son wasn't scared. But that really doesn't relate to whether or not another child would be scared.

I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend. I'm totally not privy to how all the kids felt. I just meant I didn't witness any hesitation or tears from any kids, and I offered that just in case maybe the concert wasn't as scary as she thinks it will be. It does seem like she should keep playing at least through the concert, in case she finds that it's not as bad as she thought. But you know her best.

[Anonymous]

Oops pp here again. Now I read about the hour of screaming and crying. At this point she is so worked up there's no way the concert will be a pleasant surprise. Sure, let her quit. That's a lot of anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And let me also add that my son and his friends don't seem to have found it terrifying at all, as a poster said. It was fun and casual and very well received. And no my son doesn't practice that much but really, they were playing Hot Cross Buns and the like.

OP here again.

I'm glad your son wasn't scared. But that really doesn't relate to whether or not another child would be scared.

NP. OP, I think PP is right, the "concert" is not at all scary. Your DD has extreme anxiety, some children do. PP was noting that fact, by saying that a band concert, which is not an individual recital, is not scary and is a good place to practice performing in front of others.

Have other children quit band class mid-year? Is that even an option, or would it be like quitting math class or language arts mid-year? Definitely she can quit after the school year, but generally, I'd say she should finish the school year.

[Anonymous]

My kid is in a similar situation. He signed a commitment paper in the beginning though, stating he commits to practicing and playing in the concert. He is going to continue. He is afraid he will sound terrible and that he can only do one song. I told him that practice makes progress (I think I got that somewhere here) and that I will be thrilled if he sounds like a screeching cat, doesn't matter to me at this point. He seemed mollified. He makes it sound like everyone else can play really well, which seems weird to me, unless everyone is getting private lessons.

Anyway, he wanted to do this. I explained the commitment. We talked over several weeks about whether he wanted to do this. He did. He took a risk and he knows he doesn't have to do it next year. He knows I feel it's important that he keep his commitment this year. He also grudgingly agrees, he just hates playing.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, All. I understand that some of you were just reassuring me that the concert would be low-key. Thank you. I did know that, but I'm not sure DD grasps that.

Band was optional, and there is no time set aside in the day for it. She misses part of her regular class to do it. Quitting is possible, though it is of course discouraged.

My idea is to let her quit, but make her earn the right to do it. There won't be another band lesson for 3 weeks, because of how the days of spring break fall. I am considering saying that if she practices EVERY day for the required 15 minutes between now and then and then goes to the lesson, THEN she can decide whether or not to quit.

I'm sure she'll quit, but I hope to show her the difference that practicing makes. My hope is that she will feel less anxious knowing that there is an end in sight.
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For those that asked about the instructor. he had told me in the past that she's very good (I guess this is relative). He was considering forming an advanced beginner class and would put her in it. This did not come to pass (maybe it did and she wasn't included?) DD's feedback on the class is that it is crowded, very short (lots of time spent walking across the school to the class, setting up instruments, being asked/put on the spot about how many minutes you practiced, putting instruments away, etc). I can't imagine they get more than 15 minutes of playing time.

I think she's sad that the whole experience didn't turn out differently. I certainly am. She was very excited in the beginning.