Bar/Bat Mitzvah etiquette
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Anonymous
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My son is almost 13, the he's started getting invitations to Bar and Bat Mitzvahs for his friends. I am a little unsure of the etiquette.
Are Bar/Bat Mitzvahs usually held as part of a regular service (like a baptism would be) or are they something separate, like a wedding? If it's the former, would it be OK for me to attend services with him and then slip out before the lunch (the invitation says it's services and lunch, then a party that evening)? I think it would be daunting for my kind of shy kid to just come into a service in an unfamiliar congregation. In one case, he doesn't know the kid's family and I assume the honoree would be somewhere else preparing. Also, if he has a conflict for the service, but not for the party, would it be considered rude to attend the latter and not the former? I assume the opposite (attending the service and not the evening party) would be fine, would it? Am I way over thinking this? |
Anonymous
| Thank you for asking. I have the same questions. |
Anonymous
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If your kid is invited, then your kid knows other kids who are going. He can sit with them.
However, it is customary among many congregations to invite the whole congregation, and it is during regular services. No one will care if you are there. |
Anonymous
| Oh, and show up fifteen minutes late and don't sit in the very front. These can be long. |
Anonymous
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When I was in 7th grade I was invited to 100+ bat and bar mitzvahs. Sometimes three or four on one Saturday. I always went to a service, on days I went to multiples I would go to services for some people and parties for other depending on the type of party (luncheon, night, afternoon games, etc.).
I usually gave a card with $36, $54 or $72 based on how close I was with the person. It is considered good luck/a good gesture to give money in multiples of 18. Make sure he wears a tie. |
Anonymous
OP here, not neccessarily. Doesn't your kid have friends where they don't have mutual friends? A kid who is in an activity with them but doesn't go to their school? Or a kid who lives down the street but goes to private school? My kid and this kid have that kind of relationship. I asked him if he knew anyone else going and he said maybe one kid, but he's not sure if that kid is actually going. He went to this kid's birthday party last year and didn't know anyone else, which was fine because, of course, at a birthday party everyone there has the friendship with the child in common which is a conversation starter. |
Anonymous
They are part of a regular service (and as a PP noted many times the bulk of the congregation shows up a little late). Note that men, and some women, over 13 will be wearing prayer shawls and most everyone will wear a kippah/yarmulke/skullcap (they are usually available near the doors). You can choose whether or not to wear a yarmulke, but I think it's not uncommon for non-Jews to wear one as a sign of respect.
yes. honoree will probably be in an upfront row for services
I don't think it would be rude either way, if you have a conflict.
Thoughtful questions-- hope the answers help. (I'm sure others will come along to contradict me) |
Anonymous
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Most Bar or Bat Mitzvahs are held as part as regular services. You will be fine attending together. The luncheon afterward is most likely for the entire congregation and sponsored by the family. Listen for an announcement, but you will likely be fine attending that as well.
As far as party, no service, personally, id find that a little rude to do without a significant conflict. Think of it like attending a wedding reception without going to the wedding. If you had the same conflict, just imagine what you'd do in that case. |
Anonymous
As others have said, they are part of the regular Saturday service and it would be fine for you to attend the service and not the lunch, if you wish.
I think it would be very rude to attend the party but not the service. The opposite is fine, but a little sad for the kid who would miss the party. |
Anonymous
| I think I could handle guests who come to the party and not the service-- if my kid's friends do this in a couple of years, I won't especially mind. Probably nice if they offer a perfunctory excuse, but it's also ok if they're just not comfortable with the religious stuff for whatever reason and would rather not say. It's not like they have to pay for their meal by listening to the child talk about what you can do with burned cow ashes and what happens if the right guy strikes a rock. |
Anonymous
| I feel in order to attend the party the proper etiquette is to attend the service as well. |
Anonymous
I see nothing wrong with that. Weddings are religious events. It is not uncommon at all for some people to come and attend just the party |
Anonymous
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I would think, though, that anyone skipping the service and still attending the party does need to tell the host in advance and apologize. Blowing off an invitation is never the right answer.
(although I do think it is uncommon for people to skip the service, and even less common to skip because of some religious issue with attending someone else's simcha (celebration)) |
Anonymous
Having been through this 2x, it is 1) Good to tell the host that you are not attending the service because there is usually a luncheon after and you don't want to order food for people that won't be there. I f the reception is after the service, then you would need less bus space. 2) About 25% of the kids don't attend the service for various reasons. It was not an insult to me or to my son. There is no need to apologize. With all the activities and other Bar/Bat Mitzvah's sometimes it just was not possible for some kids to make the service. Whatever you decided to do, please RSVP. You would be surprised how many kids don't do that. To me that is worse. |
Anonymous
| Other than cash gifts in multiples of 18, what is an appropriate gift? |