On NOT Waiting for Mr. Right-Single Women Having Babies

[Anonymous]

Forty-one percent of newborns are born to single women, many out of choice. "On NOT waiting for Mr. Right," a commentary, raises all kinds of questions: Do children need a father to help raise them? Would you have a baby without a partner? Would you advise a relative or friend to do so? Should women approaching the end of their childbearing years just give up the dream of being a mother?

You can read: "On NOT waiting for Mr. Right" at: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/singletons/201102/not-waiting-mr-right

[Anonymous]

I always said I would do it. If I didn't meet and marry a man by age 35, I was going to have a child on my own. But I did get married and had a family the "old fashioned way." I'm very grateful I have my husband as a wonderful role model and we together model what a good relationship is like for our children. Hopefully they will grow up to choose partners who love and respect them as well.

However, I still am certain I could have raised a child by myself. It would have been much harder to do, but I could have done it, and done it well. And I know several women who are (all adopted).

[Anonymous]

I always considered it an option if I didn't meet the right guy. But I still kept putting internal pressure on myself to meet the right guy "in time" to have babies. At 35, I decided that I was taking kids off the table - that if I somehow had them, great. And if I didn't have them, oh well. I wasn't going to do fertility drugs, IVF, adoption, surrogacy or egg freezing. I was going to accept being child-free if that's what life handed me.

Irony: Later that year, I got pregnant completely by accident, with someone I'd barely just started dating, 3 months after getting laid off! Did a lot of soul-searching and agonizing and ended up having a baby when I was 36. (after finding a job that paid less but required fewer hours.) The dad decided to help me raise the baby and 2 years later, we're doing pretty well as coparents, but not partners. It's hard - harder than sharing a household and raising a baby with a partner - but most of the time I don't really have any regrets. I do miss stuff about being carefree and child-free, though, and I do try to get it across to my single-and-really-hoping-to-have-a-baby friends that there are good things about their lives now, and that my situation is VERY hard. It would be even harder without my ex's support, both financial and custodial. I would be living on the edge financially, trying to pay for daycare by myself, along with everything else. So women with high incomes might do ok, but if the high incomes come with long work hours, there's generally a tradeoff that has to be made.

[Anonymous]

I was never all that interested in having children but now that I'm married with two, I can say 100% that I would never want to be a single mom. I am not a strong enough or good enough parent to raise children by myself. While I love my kids and are glad they're here, I find parenthood really tough, especially when they're small (mine are 9 months and 2.5 years old). Hats off to all single parents!

[Anonymous]

I'm a single mother, it's hard. So much of it depends on your finances. I would advise anyone who's thinking of doing it to seek out single mothers for a reality check. (Ahead of getting pregnant, if possible. I know if someone came to me pregnant and wondering whether to keep the baby or not, I would be inclined to sugarcoat!)

[Anonymous]

i'm a single mom. always said i would do it if it didn't meet anyone in time to have a child. did it at 38. no regrets, my child is my joy in life. it is hard though...feeling it more now that my child is a bit older and i'm not in crisis mode (" i have to just get through this and it will get easier"). would be nice to have more help, more flexibility, feel like my social life is hard...don't quite fit in with any set of folks. i'm glad i've been able to afford it thus far but it is tight. i also worry all the time what would happen to my child if anything happened to me...that might be the hardest part actually.

[Anonymous]

I became a single woman at 26. Wasn't planned and was initially NOT good news. It's hard. Hardest thing I've done by far. Her father is still in her life and I have wonderful support from my family, so I'm blessed. I would like more children (I'll be 28 this year) and I definitely will be married before I have more.

I think single parents make it look too easy, which is why some women don't think raising kids alone is a big deal anymore. Don't get me wrong. I'd opt for it if I was in my late 30s, but I tell my friends my age to focus on finding Mr. Right first.

[Anonymous]

I don't know many single moms other than myself but I think it makes a big difference whether you've been a single mom from the beginning or become one b/c of divorce. In the beginning, being a single mom was hard b/c newborn babies and infants are hard work. It is a constant job and the sleep deprivation can really kill you. Once I got past that stage, everything seems not so hard to me. I don't expect help which is key to single parenthood. I know it is all on me so I just do it. Nike has my favorite slogan. Just do it. It is tiring but I am guessing that parenting for married parents is tiring too. I have to do every single thing myself but when you've always done it, it doesn't seem like a big deal. Honestly, I feel like I can face anything with more than 6-8 hrs of sleep!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know many single moms other than myself but I think it makes a big difference whether you've been a single mom from the beginning or become one b/c of divorce. In the beginning, being a single mom was hard b/c newborn babies and infants are hard work. It is a constant job and the sleep deprivation can really kill you. Once I got past that stage, everything seems not so hard to me. I don't expect help which is key to single parenthood. I know it is all on me so I just do it. Nike has my favorite slogan. Just do it. It is tiring but I am guessing that parenting for married parents is tiring too. I have to do every single thing myself but when you've always done it, it doesn't seem like a big deal. Honestly, I feel like I can face anything with more than 6-8 hrs of sleep!

Another single mom from the start here, and I totally agree. This is what I tell my married friends all the time when I hear, "I don't know how you do it."

[Anonymous]

Another single mom here. It is insanely difficult. I don't know why the media and pop culture presents it as being a whole lot easier than it is. On the other hand, it's hard as he&& raising kids for married couples, too. Most married couples work, so they are working then coming home to more work, just like single mothers are, plus they have the stress of maintaining the marriage (and imagining their partner doesn't really do anything so they might as well be single -- I love that one).

[Anonymous]

I am a single mom by choice. It's not that hard.

When women tell me "I could never do it myself" I instantly think they are either stupid or pathetic or both. There is always the possiblity you will end up alone with kids - divorce, death - and then what are you going to do - give the kids away? They should just say "I don't want to do it by myself"

[Anonymous]

22:43 How old is your child? Mine is 14. It's gotten harder each year!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a single mom by choice. It's not that hard.

When women tell me "I could never do it myself" I instantly think they are either stupid or pathetic or both. There is always the possiblity you will end up alone with kids - divorce, death - and then what are you going to do - give the kids away? They should just say "I don't want to do it by myself"

This is a really harsh post.

[Anonymous]

You would have to be nuts to choose to be a single mother. Nuts.

[Anonymous]

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