Emotional needs

[Anonymous]

There is a recurrent complaint that married men are often not able to meet the emotional needs of their wives. Is it because men just don’t care? Or it because men don’t understand and/or know how to address those emotional needs?

[Anonymous]

Its a combination of both. They don't understand and they don't care enough to understand. The bigger problem is that they are not aware that they don't care, if that makes sense.

My DH does not like trouble/ confrontation/ arguments, and he will do whatever he reasonably can to avoid it.

However, in order for him to change the role he plays in this emotional intimacy issue, he has to accept that he does not care enough. That's really hard for him to since he views himself as a very caring and loving person. So how dare anyone suggest that he could be more caring?

[Anonymous]

My husband meets my emotional needs because he is in touch with his emotions. Most men are not.

[Anonymous]

Ha haha . I'm not in touch with my emotional needs!

[Anonymous]

Wife complains emotional needs aren't met. Husband complains there are too many emotional needs. Husband complains not enough sex and intimacy. Wife complains too many sex and intimacy needs.

It's a classic issues of a mismatch where instead of working together and empathizing people dig their heels in and convinced they're right. And don't give a crap about their spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife complains emotional needs aren't met. Husband complains there are too many emotional needs. Husband complains not enough sex and intimacy. Wife complains too many sex and intimacy needs.

It's a classic issues of a mismatch where instead of working together and empathizing people dig their heels in and convinced they're right. And don't give a crap about their spouse.

Except in my case, I am the one complaining about all the things you listed, and DH is "happy". Ha!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband meets my emotional needs because he is in touch with his emotions. Most men are not.

Men are “in touch with their emotions” they just don’t want to talk about them all the time like women do. It bores them.

[Anonymous]

I am 45 divorced and currently in therapy. The primary reason my ex filed for divorce was exactly what the OP asked about. When I met my therapist the first I asked her was how to become an emotionally present partner. She said we need to identify my emotional needs first. Ha! You thought it would have been easy. Nope. I must have suppressed my own needs for so long that I don’t even know what they are. And my therapist is helping me. Women talk about their emotions, they are not afraid of them. They seek help, advice etc. We men we are the opposite. Most of us suppress them. I was blaming myself a lot but my therapist told me it’s much more complicated that I am making it seem. Right now I am not dating and I don’t plan to do so for along time because what I am learning about myself is making reflect harder about the type of woman that’s ideal for me. I am in no hurry. Let’s see in a few months where I am at. But I’ll say though that women are far more complex than I thought. Many of us men seriously underestimate the emotional needs of a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband meets my emotional needs because he is in touch with his emotions. Most men are not.

Men are “in touch with their emotions” they just don’t want to talk about them all the time like women do. It bores them.

We don’t talk about them because women take 2/3 of the space. They make it clear their needs come first in the way they approach us. When we open up a bit, they somehow make it about themselves. I am referring to my wife. Perhaps she is the odd one. But it’s been my experience. We are in therapy and again she is taking 2/3 of the space in therapy. I’m just exhausted. Sorry for ranting and hijacking the discussion.

[Anonymous]

The emotional needs of women are not statistic. When they are younger and obsessed with marriage, husband and kids, they are the easiest to deal with. Heck you won’t them complain about their emotional needs because they are preoccupied with their initial goals: marriage and kids. Once those goals are met, buckle up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 45 divorced and currently in therapy. The primary reason my ex filed for divorce was exactly what the OP asked about. When I met my therapist the first I asked her was how to become an emotionally present partner. She said we need to identify my emotional needs first. Ha! You thought it would have been easy. Nope. I must have suppressed my own needs for so long that I don’t even know what they are. And my therapist is helping me. Women talk about their emotions, they are not afraid of them. They seek help, advice etc. We men we are the opposite. Most of us suppress them. I was blaming myself a lot but my therapist told me it’s much more complicated that I am making it seem. Right now I am not dating and I don’t plan to do so for along time because what I am learning about myself is making reflect harder about the type of woman that’s ideal for me. I am in no hurry. Let’s see in a few months where I am at. But I’ll say though that women are far more complex than I thought. Many of us men seriously underestimate the emotional needs of a woman.

First off, congratulations PP on working on this! Whatever happens in your love life, I think it will make you a happier person in your life. If you have kids, they will appreciate it too.

But the bolded is, I think, at the heart of it. Men are taught to suppress emotions from a very young age because they are taught it is not masculine to feel deeply. So a lot of men are very cut off from their own emotions. This is why so many men have anger management issues, because anger is the rare emotions that is deemed masculine and therefore lots of other feelings (grief, fear, loneliness) get channeled into anger. But they even suppress their anger because of a stereotype that men must be "in control" at all times, and thus all their emotion comes out in angry outbursts.

I do think it's possible to work on this within a relationship, but you need both partners to be willing. My DH had this dynamic. We've been working on it throughout our relationship though, and he's always been willing to admit that he struggles with it (I also have things I struggle with and he helps me with). It helps that he had a serious relationship before me where this came up and the relationship ended because he couldn't work on it, so he was highly motivated to do so with me.

Another thing that helped, and I am sorry to say this but it is the truth: his dad dying. It's not the case with every man, but the for my DH, the example his dad set was a very bad one with regards to emotions. His dad was older, more Silent Generation than Boomer. He had a lot of very restrictive ideas about what men and women are like, and how they are different. He was extremely hard on my DH as a kid, but especially when he would cry or express fear or vulnerability. After he died, my DH had an easier time accessing those feelings. It was like he'd been released from his dad's mandate not to feel.

[Anonymous]

Women use the bogus reason “emotional needs” to cheat. Don’t fall for it. Just like men they don’t believe in monogamy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a recurrent complaint that married men are often not able to meet the emotional needs of their wives. Is it because men just don’t care? Or it because men don’t understand and/or know how to address those emotional needs?

For some it’s lack of any level of validation or listening or emotional support.

For others it’s a two-fer, no emotional support plus emotional abuse, gaslighting, yelling, neglect, anger outbursts.

[Anonymous]

I have been married to my husband for 10 years I have never seen the man cry. If he gets emotional about something he just disappears for a few minutes before his eyes get red and the tears start coming down. This degree of suppression of one’s emotions is not healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The emotional needs of women are not statistic. When they are younger and obsessed with marriage, husband and kids, they are the easiest to deal with. Heck you won’t them complain about their emotional needs because they are preoccupied with their initial goals: marriage and kids. Once those goals are met, buckle up!

Women don't complain then because men "fake" understanding emotional needs until after marriage. Men say whatever they want to get a woman. Once they have gotten her, they stop faking.