How to handle my cousin asking me to host her 13yo for part of the summer?

[Anonymous]

I am an expat, and my cousin (we are not close) told my parents she wants to send her 13yo DS to us for part of the summer so he can work on his English. My parents hinted it might be tough as DH and I work full time, our kids (sophomore and junior) will likely work too, and we also have travel plans for some of the summer. She did not get the hint, and instead of emailing me to ask me if he could stay with us as I thought she might, she wrote to me just alluding to "needing to ask me a quick question on the phone" in the first email I got from her in years. I feel like she will try to pressure me if we talk, tell me he wouldn't mind just being home during the day, or other sorts of reasons why a visit could still work, and I will have trouble formulating a clear response on the spot for fear of sounding rude...The truth is I just do not want the stress and responsibility of hosting him at all. Am I horrible for not wanting to host him? How would you handle the situation?

[Anonymous]

That is a massive ask even for someone you are very close to!! You should have zero qualms saying no. If you can’t say no on the phone, say you will have to talk to your spouse about it and then email that it won’t work. Maybe you could offer to have your cousin and her son visit for a week?

[Anonymous]

Say your schedule is crazy, but what's up? For them to put it in an email.

[Anonymous]

You can say it doesn't work for you. You do need to speak your mind - a sentence or two. Be a grown up and say yes or no based on what you want.

[Anonymous]

Do not say yes, OP. You will be mad at yourself the entire summer if you do (and if you do say yes, honestly, you have no one to blame but yourself)

Be ready with a response to this cousin. Explain that it will not work as your kids are at a certain age where time is limited with them (ask me how I know) and you are going to focus on your nuclear family until they leave for college.

[Anonymous]

Why would you not say yes? This is part of what being an expat means. And this is family, rather than old college roommates or high school buds.

[Anonymous]

There was a post here months ago where some foreign cousin wanted to send their kids to the US, leave them with family, and have them attend public school. Maybe that is the grand plan.

Since you already know what this is about, email her back and say "Hi! Haven't heard from you in so long! Hope all is well. Is this regarding Larlo staying here? My mom mentioned that to me. I think she already explained it to you, but that is not possible with our schedules. I hope we can catch up soon, and maybe you guys will come visit this year."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you not say yes? This is part of what being an expat means. And this is family, rather than old college roommates or high school buds.

Multiply how many cousins OP has times all their kids. Could be a lot.

[Anonymous]

Tell her no. It doesn't fit in with your schedule and you are not prepared to take on an extra child.

[Anonymous]

When she asks you, I would have a neutral response in mind. Something like "Oh wow, that would be so fun! Unfortunately that wont work this summer, but I'd love to see you guys. I've been thinking of planning a trip back, it's been so long! Is that old XYZ shop still open down the block?"

Basically say no, dont give an excuse as she will find a way around it, and change the subject.

If she brings it up again, you just rinse and repeat. "But why wont it work? He wont be any trouble" "I'm sure thats true, but we really cannot host your son for 3 months this summer. Lets change the topic, what have you been up to? Hows DH's work?"

[Anonymous]

Idk, I would at least hear her out. Either in email or phone. But if it is a phone call don’t commit. Have a scripted answer like “let me discuss with DH and let you know”. And then formulate a response. You never know, your parents could have misunderstood.

[Anonymous]

In my husband's Asian immigrant family, it's considered normal to host extended relatives, sometimes for long periods of time, and to send money back to the old country. Heck, my husband not only hosts people but has also partially financed the law degree of a distant relative he's never met!

I find it uncomfortable at times, but I've tolerated it because the people who came were all very nice and low-maintenance, and it's true we're wealthier than the relatives who didn't make it out during the war.

But hosting a child you don't know, without their parent, without same-aged kids doing the same activities will make you worried, I bet. The relative fails to realize that kids here are scheduled up to their necks, and that yours aren't going to hang around with their cousin. Unless they're prepared to do so, and show him the area, the metro, the museums, go for ice cream, go to the pool, etc?

I'm a pushover and I like to enhance family bonding, so if finances permit, I'd offer to take the kid only during your vacation travel period, so you're all guaranteed to always be around him all the time, and improve his English!

[Anonymous]

“My schedule is all over the place, what’s going on? Hope everything is ok!”

[Anonymous]

Can you recommend a sleepaway camp?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my husband's Asian immigrant family, it's considered normal to host extended relatives, sometimes for long periods of time, and to send money back to the old country. Heck, my husband not only hosts people but has also partially financed the law degree of a distant relative he's never met!

I find it uncomfortable at times, but I've tolerated it because the people who came were all very nice and low-maintenance, and it's true we're wealthier than the relatives who didn't make it out during the war.

But hosting a child you don't know, without their parent, without same-aged kids doing the same activities will make you worried, I bet. The relative fails to realize that kids here are scheduled up to their necks, and that yours aren't going to hang around with their cousin. Unless they're prepared to do so, and show him the area, the metro, the museums, go for ice cream, go to the pool, etc?

I'm a pushover and I like to enhance family bonding, so if finances permit, I'd offer to take the kid only during your vacation travel period, so you're all guaranteed to always be around him all the time, and improve his English!

It is considered normal for expats to host family and friends, too. It also alleviates the expat issues, so the benefit goes both ways. Not sure why OP is objecting.