Our daughter “married well.” Nobody is happy about it

[Anonymous]

I love my daughter. She grew up in a happy high-resource household and we still talk every day. She was a great student, spent a long time in college earning degrees from good schools, and has a successful career. As she approached age 30, girlfriends introduced her to a nice boy who also earned a few degrees from good schools and has a great career. They married a couple years later. They had one child a couple years after the wedding.

They could work anywhere and make great money, yet for alleged career reasons choose to live in isolation essentially across the country from us (and nowhere his family either). So we barely see her and our one grandchild is raised by strangers at a local day care and part-time nannies. My daughter and her husband’s happiness is eroding but you wouldn’t know that from looking at her perfectly curated social media. She confesses their sex life has become nearly nonexistent. They are workaholics and make great upper middle class money (note: not a mega millions windfall like you read about from young people involved in a tech IPO or something along those lines where they can afford to retire early).

We will be leaving her a comfortable inheritance and I’m sure his parents will leave him similar, so what is even the point of this rat race? They’re unhappy, we’re unhappy (I’m assuming his parents aren’t happy), and their child is raised by strangers. All for what? To chase another rung of status badges and eke out a few more bucks?

I submit this to this forum because everyone is fixated with dating the “right” caliber of partner to “marry well” and the alleged status and happiness that comes with it. Give more mindshare to what “well” truly means.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you move out to be near your grandchild, OP? What are you doing that’s so important?

[Anonymous]

You taught her this, she’s living what you expected and now you’re complaining.

You’re the problem, it’s you.

[Anonymous]

I'm thinking the couple lives where they do so that OP can't meddle in their lives any more than she's already doing.

[Anonymous]

Of course she wants to keep working if she’s in an unhappy, sexless marriage.

[Anonymous]

Although she may be in a stressful phase of life, your focus on geography may not be the core problem. They may have friends and community they love where they live, or otherwise be the people they want to be out there. I’d ask how you can support them, visit when possible and pay for vacations, and remember that everything has a season

[Anonymous]

If you have verbalized that her child is being raised by strangers, I would guess that her decision to move far away from you was not an accident. You don’t sound very nice and I doubt she wants to live near you! And even if she did, how on earth would that improve her sex life??

[Anonymous]

Who talks to their mom about their sex life?

Either way, let’s bring out the violins. I can’t imagine the pain and suffering of having an UMC income, presumably healthy child, and expected inheritance. What a tragedy.

[Anonymous]

If you are actually trying to improve her wellbeing, start giving her family annual gifts that "front load" her inheritance. That money is EXPONENTIALLLY more valuable to her family now than it will be 20-30 years from now.

If they are open to you visiting more, do that.

Also, you seem to fail to appreciate the effect that the past four years have had on young families. It has been hell for many.

Bottom line: stop centering yourself and start really thinking about your daughter's well-being.

[Anonymous]

Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

[Anonymous]

I think OP makes a very valid point. People here are obsessed with the rat race, getting their kids into the best colleges etc.

But what is the prize of all this effort, should it pay off?

A job where you work like a dog, every hour that god sends, to pile up money that you can never enjoy, and to find a partner who can do likewise. You can then live a harrassed, miserable life together, sacrificing everything on the altar of prestige, money and status, and never tasting true happiness.

[Anonymous]

There is so much judgement here. Her kid is being raised by strangers? They're workaholics? Their social media is misleading? And why on earth do you know anything about their sex life? If I was them I'd also live as far away from you as possible.

Look, it's hard to raise little kids with two growing careers and in an expensive area. I'm sure their lives are dominated by unreasonable work demands, flaky childcare, daycare plagues and kid sleep issues, just like the rest of us. They're under a lot of pressure. Instead of judging them, how about keep telling them you love them and ask how you can help support them?

Nothing you said sounds like a partner issue, but a couple dealing with life in this era.

[Anonymous]

“Marry well” is usually code for “doesn’t have to work” according to DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Someone probably told her she could have it all and that's what she's trying to do. Wonder who that could have been?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have verbalized that her child is being raised by strangers, I would guess that her decision to move far away from you was not an accident. You don’t sound very nice and I doubt she wants to live near you! And even if she did, how on earth would that improve her sex life??

This. The OP said it twice. She clearly has an axe to grind.